Moving?

After 90 posts at this blog, I think I'm moving. I hope to eventually move all this blogspot business over to the new address, but we'll see.

For now:

www.melindamerola.com

It's not looking too sharp, but it's readable.

OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!

UnMinded

I'm pretty sure my bike was almost stolen. I'm still a little dumbfounded. Before I left for work this morning I glanced over to where the bikes are parked at my apartment complex. (I always take a glance because I am slightly phobic about my bike getting snatched.) I saw a toppled red bike. After hobbling over with my tired legs in heels I could see that is WAS my bike. Detached from the rack! The lock was still secure around the frame and front tire. It's highly unlikely someone found a way to unlock my bike and then left it there with the lock on the frame/tire. The only other option means that I'm completely stupid. I took my bike out Thursday afternoon to run some errands. I must have forgot to actually lock my bike to the rack in my absent-minded haze. I suppose I had a lot on my mind, but I didn't think it could cause such foolishness. I feel lucky because who knows how long my bike was just sitting there unlocked...? I need to start thinking clearly or who knows what else could happen.

Saturday I voted. It felt superb.

Saturday night I attended a Halloween party. Maybe just a David Bowie costume party, but it gave me a chance to dress up. This year I'm dressing up as a harlequin. The costume consists of white tights with black diamonds, a black leotard with white dots, scarves, a belt, a mask/fake eyelashes, a beret, gloves, other stuff. To me, it kinda just looks like a "costume"...not necessarily as specific as a harlequin, but I love wearing it. I can't wait until this weekend for more opportunities. The party itself was fun too, enough people were dressed up to make it interesting. I love looking at costumes. Honestly, I wish I could trick-or-treat. Or carve a pumpkin. Holiday traditions make me feel wholesome. Watching scary movies is also acceptable.

My new job is going well. This is my last week of training before I am set free. I'm sort of scared because men with gruff/rough/growling voices on the phone really intimidate me. I'll be able to handle it, but I know I'm probably going to make a few mistakes and temporarily feel lame. At least my new boss/supervisor is really nice.

I'm still trying to make a new web site. Trying.

My bathroom ceiling is leaking. My face is leaking. The sky outside is so close to leaking. So I'm taking a nap.

Medieval Glories

***DISCLAIMER*** Sorry that ImageShack has to advertise and make all the pictures look ugly. Soon I will find a less annoying way to display them.

Tonight I saw Ensemble Micrologus. It's an Italian group of musicians that play medieval music.

Their instruments:

Gothic Harp



Harp



Straight Trumpet (two)



Flutes



Shawm



Viola



Rebec



Psaltery (FAVORITE)



Medieval Lute



Percussion (Tambourines & Drums)



Bagpipes



...and castanets.

There were seven people playing, but they all started out modestly. I took until after intermission for them to break out the really awesome instruments. By the end of the show people were tapping their feet and screaming for an encore. Honestly, I wasn't too crazy about the vocals, but the music itself was so different. Just to see the musicians playing these instruments (from the second row) kept my attention. I almost bought their CD, but I'm not sure medieval music is something I'd simply turn on during the day. Seeing it live is probably the best. And it was only their second concert in the United States. They seemed extremely happy that the crowd was so enthusiastic. It was an unexpected glory today, for them and for me.

All My Little Words

Yesterday I saw The Magnetic Fields here in Austin. I was really excited because they're one of the few "favorite bands" of mine that I hadn't seen live. It definitely sounded different than how it does on some of the albums...I guess many of the songs are the result of studio production. Anyhow, the more natural/acoustic-y/live version was easy to appreciate. The music seemed more careful live, if that makes any sense. There was an acoustic guitar, cello, bouzouki (which I just learned is a Greek guitar type of instrument) and a piano. There was also lady that "just sings". Three-fifths of the people on stage used their voices. I think the women sound really good when they sing together. I was also surprised at how smooth and velvety Merritt's voice was in real life. I felt like the band just looked like a bunch of music teachers up on the stage. In a good way. They seem cool because they're not too flashy. Personally, I thought the choice of songs could have been better. They played a lot of stuff from random CDs they put out for plays, movies, Stephin's dog, other projects. There were enough "hits" to satisfy me, but many of the favorites were left out. I'd definitely go see them again; there are still so many I want to hear live.

Tonight I watched the final debate between McCain and Obama. More than ever I feel the need to keep to my promise that if McCain wins I will move out of the country. Watching him...he's just too old. I mean, I'm sure he could get the job done, but he's too boring/old/bitter/redundant. Plus I don't agree with a lot of what he says. He was asked a question, to basically explain his choice for VP, why he thinks she could be president, etc. The first thing he says is that Sarah Palin is a role model. That's NOT a reason to be VP of the United States. I could care less if women look up to her. I'm a woman and I think it's great a woman could be VP, but I don't think it's any sort of qualification. He also mentioned stuff about her lowering taxes, fighting corruption and kids with disabilities. It's fine, but weak compared to Biden. I almost feel like she makes woman look incapable. I don't necessarily approve of her representing my gender. I really respect Obama more because of his diplomacy during the debates. He comes off as being fair and calm, but can still stand his ground. McCain just seems angry and rotten. He points fingers about stuff I don't even care about. Obama has this look in his face when McCain is saying something dumb that reminds me exactly of my dad. It's the face of repressed annoyance. :)

Two years ago my grandma died. I think she would have turned 76 today. It would have been her birthday. I miss her too much. She makes me want to believe in heaven.

Things at work are progressing nicely. I applied for a promotion. It seems as though I would get it, and everyone thinks I will, but it's taking an especially long time. Tomorrow is Boss's Day and I bought some cookies!

Life leaves me mostly confused right now. I am taking things into consideration, whatever that means. I sort of worry about becoming a useless human. I worry that I can't see things for what they really are. I worry that I love stability and that breeds carelessness or thanklessness. Maybe I should "shake things up" like Sarah Palin.

I'm hoping that in a few more entries I'll have a new web site. Theoretically, it will be better than this.

in the WORKS

WTF is it supposed to mean when I crack open my fortune cookie and there's nothing in there? I wish there had been one in there to tell me what to do with the next five years of my life.

What were once romantic life scenarios floating around in my head have become more of a reality. It's difficult for me because I'm really unsure about what I'm doing.

Basically I pursued broadcast journalism like a madwoman most of the time I was in college. I had some doubts along the way, but talked myself out of them. I really did like what I was studying. Then I studied abroad and things got kind of muddled in my mind. I guess I just realized how many opportunities there were in the world to do all kinds of things. And I realized how much I loved being in another country and visiting other countries and learning about other parts of the world. After I got back from Spain I suppose I felt kind of restricted in the path I created for myself. There's a lot I want to do. It's SO HARD for me to start to let go of a dream I've pursued since I was 15. I came so close and even interviewed for that job in Waco. But now I sit back and think about what I've done since I graduated and I've been really unmotivated about sending out tapes. I want to be clear: I am not rejecting journalism in any way. It's still what I plan to pursue in life. However, I don't think I can follow the route I am "supposed to" and be happy. I don't want to spend most of my twenties in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I've been in small towns, quite honestly, I'm not interested. I wrote an email to my host mom in Spain and found myself describing the pursuit of broadcast journalism as an "obligación". Meanwhile I had these other ideas that I was much more excited about, and I think I'd rather focus on those for now.

So, my revised plan...this fall I am applying to two programs. One is a fellowship program with NPR. Only three people are chosen each year, but I really respect NPR and am willing to spend a lot of time working on the application. Second is the JET program, where you go teach English in Japan. Also competitive. Both last a year. I would be completely blown away if I was accepted to either program. I am actually excited to apply for both things!

If neither program accepts me I am going to try to go teach English in South America. I plan to get a certification in early 2009 to teach English as a foreign language. Maybe go off to Argentina/Chile/??? some time in the summer of 2009? It's too up in the air to really know right now. All I know is that I want to live abroad again. I am desperate to finish learning Spanish. There are things I could do to help myself here, right now, but I want to be immersed again. It's too hard trying to learn another language when you're hearing English all the time.

Part of me feels like I've gotten WAY off track, especially since I put so much time and effort into studying a very specific thing. But I know what I'm excited about in my heart. Quite honestly, I wish there was a way I could do broadcasting when I come back from whatever I'm doing, but I worry my resume tape's going to be too old and my employers would wonder why I ran off to another country after dedicating myself so much to one thing. But this is the time to do it, right? I have a little money saved, I'm not married, I don't have kids, my parents and sister are healthy, I just got two degrees and have a job I can leave without causing too much trouble. This is when I need to take some risks, right? I worry about hindering my career, but I feel such a sense of urgency about doing what I feel passionate about right now. I didn't feel any passion for small towns and cranky news directors. Facing my true feelings has me all tied up in knots. If anyone has any advice...don't hesitate.

Another true feeling that I've been facing on a daily basis? THAT I HATE DRIVING AND COOKING. Someone please hire me a chauffeur and a chef because I think I'm going to crash my car and starve.

There was some random goodness the other day when Ernesto (graphic designer friend in Boston) called me to say his boss wants to commission me to work on a cross-stitch for a book cover. Delightful! There's nothing better than getting large amounts of unexpected money for doing something I like. Plus my "work" would be a on a freaking book! OMG, cool. I'm such an artist now. :)

Finally, I am considering a new web site for this blog. I want to give it a permanent home and also expand the web site more or combine it with the other web site I had. It's in the works if I can figure out how the heck to make a web site.

Blushed Potatoes

I'm happy right now because I just bought NARS Orgasm blush and I'm eating mashed potatoes.

Looking around, there's still a lot more work to be done in this apartment. I thought I could have it all sealed up by last week before I went to Houston, but it didn't happen. I think it'll be at least Thursday before I finish in here. I'm a little angry because I signed up for internet because I thought the wireless network I was stealing from shut down. It was temporary and now I'm buying internet only for the security of having my own network. It's BS I have to pay $20 just so some guy will come "install" something I could do myself. I think.

I went to Houston this weekend. All was well. I got to visit my sister and BFFs in their house. Saturday I ate breakfast tacos. (All day.) Saturday night I saw Andrew's mom in a Neil Simon play called Broadway Bound. The theater and set were modest, but I thought the performers did well and I really liked the script. There were so many elderly people in the audience and it was hilarious to observe them. They laugh at different jokes. And fall asleep in the back row. Sunday I saw my dad and ate tons of his Italian food. Pasta, half of a sausage and a whole meatball. I was burping Italian food the rest of the afternoon and I loved it.

Today I went to yoga. It was too easy this time so I think I'm going to try to start attending more advanced classes. I am also considering Ansuara, which is a new type of yoga for me. My teacher told me it has more to do with headstands, forearm stands, back bends...basically inversions. I could definitely improve that way.

I am becoming increasingly undecided about my future. I think I want to try to teach English abroad now. If possible. Obviously I wouldn't do it forever, but if I could spend a few years in my 20s living in other countries I think I'd learn a lot and be really happy. I think I'd be an okay teacher. I have some experience...not formally teaching, but over the years I've had to teach people different skills. I should probably learn a lot more about it first. Then there's also the broadcast thing and the grad school thing. I only really know a lot about journalism jobs...the other two things are totally foreign to me. I don't know what I want right now. I change my mind almost every day, but I want to pick something and get on the right track so I don't waste time. I'd be happy doing any of the options, but I feel hesitant to diverge from doing what I majored in. I feel like I'm not meeting some sort of expectations.

It's just past 8:30PM and I feel like going to bed but I have other plans.

More

In business not about the election, I have moved again. It was a particularly horrible time. Very hot. New place is on the third floor. Many little boxes and things. No moving truck. This apartment is tiny. It has problems. I won't complain about them until I know they are permanent and impossible to resolve. I feel like this is the kind of place that's going to have all kinds of weird things you have to do to it to make it function properly, like, "Oh, jiggle the key this way to get the door to lock." "Turn the hot water dial 3/8 clockwise or else the water will scald you." "Put this rug in front of the clacking vertical blinds or else they'll rattle all night while you're trying to sleep." BLAH. I wish I could just have stuff that worked right. I can already feel the rage starting to boil inside of me.

Today was good at work because I got 14 awards. To explain, the main part of my job is to call owners/developers/architects and find out which general contractor was awarded a particular construction project. It's not hard at all, but you have to deal with all kinds of people on the phone. Most of them don't want to talk to you and would never dream of calling you back. Most days I call about...hmmm...I actually have no idea...maybe 40-50 people. I usually get transferred to people who don't answer and I rarely leave a voicemail message. Another way I can get the information I need is by checking the city's building permits. Today I succeeded gloriously because I started calling the cities for permits. The big cities even have web sites. It's interesting the kind of detective work that can be done online to trace awards without having to deal with the nasty people that much. Of course, there are always some people on the phone or by email that are very nice and helpful. So 14 must be a record. I get around 10 on a good day.


Yesterday I bought groceries, including ice cream, which I have not done in awhile. Ben & Jerry's is the best brand at HEB, hands down. I almost got Half-Baked when I noticed a new flavor, Cinnamon Buns. I dismissed it because it sounded kinda weird to be an ice cream flavor, but then I picked up the box (?) and read the description. "Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough and a Caramel Cinnamon Struesel Swirl" It sounded tasty to me and I can usually trust B&J to be good, so I bought it. I didn't try it till about an hour ago. YUM! YUMYUMYUMYUM! I could only eat a little because it's too crazy. It definitely works for me. The cinnamon flavor is wonderful and the pieces of dough are just the right size, plus there are lots of them, so far. I can't wait until I can handle some more of that ice cream.

Finally, the very sad news. My mom called me yesterday in the late afternoon. As soon as she greeted me I knew something was wrong. There is a certain tone of voice that is unmistakable. I was trying not to imagine something too terrible. She uttered, "My mom..." and then broke up and was crying. I asked her, "What?" So very worried inside. I thought my other grandma died. My mom explained that her mom had just called to say that my uncle died. He'd had a heart attack suddenly and there were very few details. The autopsy happened today and I don't have an update yet. I'd only known my Uncle Robby as a child because we used to visit our family in Indiana a lot when we lived in Chicago. He had a wife, my Aunt Norma, and a daughter, my cousin Kendra. He is twin of my Uncle Ronnie who has a disability. He had been helping my grandma by taking care of him a lot of the time. My mom was especially upset because it's been almost a year, to the day, that her other brother, Dan, suddenly died. I got that news via email while I was in Italy with my dad. I had never even met my Uncle Dan before he died. My mom said my grandma is really upset that she's outlived two of her kids. They were both under 50. I don't know about the funeral. I want my mom to go and be with her family, but she's worried about her business. I'm glad she has Steve and my sister with her now and my grandma has Jim and her other sons/daughters/extended family to support her.

Palinator

I watched part of the Republican National Convention tonight because I am temporarily fascinated with Sarah Palin. It's the kind of fascination you have with a new person that seems important, but you don't know much about them. The political "It Girl" for right now. I found out about 45 minutes after McCain announced her as his running mate Friday and I looked at some pictures and read articles, but I'd never heard her talk or seen her on camera. As David Letterman remarked, she IS like a LensCrafters commercial. She actually spoke better than I expected and has the beginnings of some type of charisma. Maybe.

While I watched the end of Guiliani's speech and all of hers I made some notes. There were too many thoughts running through my mind. I'd wished I'd had someone to tell, but then I changed my mind because I probably would have been talking too much. My thoughts, literally:

-Cindy McCain (with bald spot above bangs) holding the new Palin baby to make good pictures.
-Guiliani says Palin fights corruption, but what about her trying to dismiss her sister's ex-husband's boss after he wouldn't fire the ex-husband for divorcing Palin's sister?
-The Republicans are looking so crazy. They keep showing the same weird people over and over--a blonde woman with big fake pink lips and a cowboy hat and a geeky looking girl with huge braces. Some old people. LOTS of people wearing feathers for some reason.
-Guiliani is being much more critical of Obama and the Dems. I watched Obama, Biden, Bill Clinton, Michelle Obama and no one was quite that scathing against the Republicans.
-When Palin walks out I feel like it's wrong that this is the first time I've heard her speak. She's too unknown to be running for VP. She should be more of a "name" in politics it seems. Though I later began to question myself when she started talking about the "Washington Elite". Still, it seems like being governor of Alaska and mayor of a tiny town isn't enough.
-I hope the people at the convention are the only people that will vote for her. Unfortunately I am wrong.
-Her son looks scared to death when she starts talking about him leaving to fight in Iraq in a week.
-I think it's really good she brought/acknowledged Bristol and the baby daddy. Trying to hide that whole scandal would be worse. WHOA for the fiancee. I wonder what's going through his head.
-Palin seems fake.
-Republicans chanting, "Drill Baby, Drill!"
-I do not understand why she plays up being a hockey mom so much. I get that she's trying to make herself seem on the same level as normal Americans or whatever, but honestly, I wouldn't want a hockey mom being the Vice-President of the United States.
-LOL at the little daughter licking her hand and slathering it all over the baby's hair.
-Okay, back to the "Washington Elite" thing. I guess it's good she's supposedly not a "corrupt politician" like all the big names in Washington, but I think she should have more experience than she does. Running Alaska is probably a really intense job, but it's not exactly the most populous, busy, important state. Oh yeah, it's close to Russia. :) I also just saw that she's barely traveled abroad. That's a problem. I need to read into this.
-This woman is in love with John McCain. We all understand that he was in a war and that means he's experienced with all kinds of situations. Get over it. It's important, but not something to build a whole campaign around.

And I love Brian Williams.

Regarding the Bristol thing, I agree that people should leave her daughter alone. It's a personal matter that she should deal with privately. However, Sarah Palin is running for VP right now with some VERY strong views about family planning. I think it's more than fair to judge Palin based on what's going on with her family. If she doesn't want to explain anything, that's fine but it may come with consequences.

Ultimately, I will NOT vote for Palin because I absolutely cannot support her views. It would make me very uncomfortable and discouraged if she were influencing the way our country was run. Furthermore, I would not be comfortable with her running the country if anything happened to McCain.

I am NOT a Democrat. I just believe in voting for the candidate that best fits me. Most often, there are only two presidential candidates, so it's not that hard to decide which one I am more aligned with.

Obama/Biden '08

Feline Frustrations & More

After a few months of encountering cats on a regular basis I can say with certainty that I don't like them. I might even hate them. I don't really want to see cats die. I would never kill a cat. I just would rather them stay away from me and my life and my stuff. The hair is the biggest problem. They seem to know how much I hate the hair when they decide to rub their faces and bodies all over my clothes. Besides the hair is their whining, their pouncing...they take dumps in the house. That's so gross. The first cat I knew regularly was Andrew's cat, Falco. Falco's pretty cool. If I didn't dislike his kind I would probably be okay with him. He doesn't seem needy or prissy/pissy like other cats, which I like. He's just too loud for me and seeks affection for the purpose of getting food. I suppose it's survival. The other cat in my life is Porch. My roommate's friend's cat. She's watching Porch while her friend is living abroad. Porch seems needy to me. She follows me all around the apartment and meows in a weird crackle because she was in a fight. She rubs her fur all over the carpet so everything that touches the floor is tainted. She lays down in my room and won't leave and she watches my hamster from underneath the clear glass tank. Right now I am caring for her because my roommate is out of town. This cat vomits too much. Today it vomited on my wicker table. I don't think cat barf comes out of wicker. I am being somewhat dramatic. Cats aren't my tragedy, they're just a nuisance.

I can stop complaining soon because I am moving this week! I found a new place close to my old house in North Campus. The apartment is TINY--an efficiency with a miniscule kitchen and airplane style bathroom. I am excited about the giant closet. I will cram my life into that closet so that the rest of the apartment seems bigger. As excited as I am, I think I might miss this location. I'll definitely be glad to be closer to UT/downtown/friends, but the place I live now is no more than 15 minutes away from anywhere I need to go.

Last week I joined a yoga studio. It's pretty yuppie/fancy/Austin-y, but I like it. I really missed doing yoga. It had been more than a year since I'd practiced. I took it for four years (off and on) at UT. It was definitely a great deal, but the classes were really huge and some of the instructors were too almighty about their own yoga agendas. This studio is really small. I've gone to two classes. The first one had three people, the one today only had two. It's so personalized. I enjoy the fanciness because I'm used to being really cheap about everything. This is one "reward" I am allowing myself because I know it's something I truly enjoy doing. Today was a problem, though. Last week and over the weekend I was SO SORE because it had been so long since I'd practiced. I fully expected the soreness and dealt with it the best I could. Everything started feeling better except this one spot on my shoulders. Specifically the left shoulder. Today I assumed I could just stretch it all away and "work out" the shoulder problem. Not the case. As soon as I lowered down into plank I felt the sharp, searing pains through my left shoulder. I almost dropped to the floor because the arm started going limp. I forced myself through the rest of the class, doing tons of Vinyasas--the sequence of poses that causes the shoulder pain. It started getting a little better toward the end, but I think it's because I modified it and was relying almost totally on my right arm. Now I am upset. I am so excited about these classes and I think I've injured myself. It's definitely screwing up my practice. I'm going to keep doing it until my arm completely tears off. At that point I'll believe it's a serious problem and not just my weak body.

Finally, tonight I signed my life savings away to my sister if I should die. She's my primary beneficiary. It's kind of hilarious. Maybe I'll die from blood loss when my arm breaks off from too much yoga.

waco. creation. lease. grays. sick. cut. golden.

Just for the record, I think Waco was a failure. I never got a confirmation that they rejected me, but it's been almost a month since I interviewed. I have to move on.

In the meantime I am trying to create a life that satisfies me. It's like a game. Maintain all areas of my life. Make new opportunities happen. I am joining a yoga studio this week if all goes to plan. It's been about a year since I've done it. I am also planning to start volunteering with the ARC of Central Texas. ARC=Association for Retarded Citizens. I have a background working with people with disabilities so it seems somewhat logical. It's something that I used to enjoy, though I haven't really done much volunteering since I went to college.

Right now I am swept up trying to find a new place to live. My lease here is over September 1, rather, someone else is moving in because I agreed only to live here for a month. I am trying to decide if it's better to live alone or with roommates. I would much rather live alone, but it seems too expensive and rare to find something. Location is sometimes a problem because my job is far away, plus I realized that I don't want to live outside the very inner core of Austin. I am pretty sure I'm going to have to live with multiple roommates. I just hope I can tolerate them.

The stress is getting to me, but in a lesser way than in past eras. My grays are shining away as always. At work sometimes I sit around and pluck them out one-by-one and throw them into the recycling bin. This week is slow because my boss is gone and I have two things to work on. They are not good at keeping my attention. I was so distracted today. I actually almost called in sick this morning because I was sweating profusely and felt dizzy. I couldn't put on my makeup; I had to lay in bed for 10 minutes to calm down. I felt better after I was at work for a couple of hours and then realized I looked like shit. Sometimes it's just like that.

Tomorrow (today?) I cut my hairs. Nothing drastic, but I can't wait to get all the straw off the bottoms of my locks. My hair is so rotten from all the time I spent in the sun and in the water. My hair is curly brown straw with some confused gray spikes in it.

Oh yeah, and Michael Phelps is a great swimmer. Golden boy.

workworkilikeitfornowworkworkwork

I'm living in a box room now. Last week I moved out of the "haunted" place. I don't really have any intention of unpacking since I'm only staying here for a month. Well, less than a month now. I have decided I have two options. It depends on whether I get a job in Waco. I thought I was going to find out by today, but they said it's going to be another week, which further halts any kind of plans I can make. It's okay though, I'm pleased to know I still have a chance at the position. So, if I get the job, I would obviously move to Waco. If I don't get the job (which is probably the more realistic scenario) I am going to try to move somewhere for at least a few months here in Austin. I'm not going to give up on broadcasting because I've only sent out three tapes, but it's probably going to take at least a few months before I send out more tapes, they sit in some ND's office, someone actually calls me, I interview, they take weeks to make a decision, then I would actually move.

My current job is still pleasant. I enjoy it for two reasons, well maybe three...

-I am learning SO MUCH about construction. It's not like I'm passionately interested, but it's just something that I never understood very well, like what's the difference between a contractor and a developer and an architect...at least in the process of making a building. And then all the steps a site goes through before an actual building can be put there. There's also all kinds of engineering projects and stuff. I feel like if I ever come across construction-related stuff in a future journalism job at least I'll have a background so I don't sound like a fool when I'm trying to talk about it.
-I spend a lot of time on the phone calling about things I don't completely understand. It's making me better at handling people over the phone and improvising when I have no idea WTF is going on. Important skill.
-The people I work with are cool. I'm still very much the quiet new person in the office, but I am so glad the people I spend so much time around are interesting to listen to.

Also, we get to listen to music twice a week! There's a little boombox on my side of the office and the head reporter has an iPod filled with a bunch of good music. We all get to pick albums on Tuesdays and Fridays. Today I requested some Magnetic Fields. We've also listened to Of Montreal, Elliott Smith, the Pixies, NIN, Air, Otis Redding...I can't remember it all.

I am beginning to love not being a student. During my two months of bumming before I got a job I was wishing I could still be in school. What's really awesome about just working is that you actually have free time. When I come home, work does not come with me, it stays at my cubicle. Which, BTW, I have decorated according to my tastes. I have a fan from Spain hanging, a little beaded elephant purse from India hanging, a cactus on the desk and some little stone/glass animals...a bird, a stingray and some little pig things of varying sizes.

Today I went outside during my lunch and found some secret benches and a table. I laid on the bench with my knees bent and feet laying flat. I hugged my purse and book. Then I started to fall asleep. I had some weird half awake dreams. At one point I realized I was smiling, then I woke up more and tried to remember what in my dream was so funny, but it was instantly gone. Sleeping/dreaming is so weird. After my nap-ish I felt bad. I think falling into a dreamy sleep in the middle of the day in the sun is a recipe for migraines.

I really want to take some classes. Yoga seems expensive. I want to try to work it into my budget. I am also considering taking a dance class, like maybe Salsa or something. It's all on hold though.

This past weekend I went to my friend's wedding in Laredo. It was so lovely! Of course everything was beautiful appearance-wise, but I think I really liked it because I could tell how happy Mireya and Nick were. I've been to a handful of weddings and the people always look in love, but they looked *especially* connected. Mireya was fabulous! It's probably my favorite wedding dress I've seen on someone. Now they're off on their honeymoon in NYC. Lucky people! I decided that I want to have a wedding, but I'm not sure I want the marriage. I just like the idea of having a big party with lots of traditions and pretty dress and then getting to travel somewhere. My sister and I told my dad awhile ago that we wanted to use our wedding funds to take a trip together. Big dreams.

Goodness, I need to fix this headache.

Seeking Balance

I hate driving Austin/Houston and Houston/Austin.

I went home this weekend and the ride from Austin to Houston was excruciating. Somehow it's never felt that long. Maybe because I thought I was going to fall asleep the whole ride home. My unsettled mind was trying to race, but it was hardly functioning.

The way back tonight was slightly better. At least without such sleepiness.

Home was nice. Friday night my mom had a celebration for her boyfriend at a local Mexican restaurant. I finally got to meet a lot of his extended family. There were so many questions and so much attention. I wished I hadn't been so tired because I could barely handle it. I met Steve's crazy brother. He was a little too crazy for me. I just couldn't find any way to connect with him. He was too scattered after too many margaritas. After eating fajitas and drinking a couple of margs I was about to pass out from exhaustion. We got home and I fell asleep as soon as I laid on my bed, but only for a nap...then I woke up and went downstairs to talk to everyone. I didn't last much longer that night. So many things from this past week wore me down to a silent sleeping heap.

Saturday morning I had to get up early because my dad, sister and I went to Galveston. My dad insists on leaving early in the morning so we can eat at Cracker Barrel on the way. We just call it "The Burrel". A longstanding family joke. Galveston was tolerable. There wasn't a whole load of seaweed on the shore. It still littered the water, too much. I kept peeking into my bathing suit and finding it full of black bits and seaweed leaves. Then I saw a clear bug chomping on my arm. I only really went into the water once because I can't stand to be itchy. I'm already too itchy because of all the parasites living in this rotten old house.

Later at my dad's house he pulled out a duffel bag. He'd gone to visit my grandpa a couple of weeks ago and my grandpa had given my dad a bag of my grandma's stuff. My dad left it with my sister and I while he went to the store to get some ingredients for dinner. We were allowed to take what we wanted of my grandma's stuff. The bag was oddly full of hats. I had no idea she even had that many. Hats, a few scarves, a shirt and cosmetics bags full of her toiletries. It was a little weird. We each took a hat, my sister took some gloves. I took some scarves. I also took two other things, but only because they remind me specifically of her and I wanted to keep them. First was a little nail kit full of the tools she used to fix her nails. Her nails were always so long and well manicured. Numerous times I remember seeing her sitting on the couch or at the dinner table with that little kit...filing away, trimming, polishing. I don't intend to use the kit, but it's symbolic of her. I also took the one shirt that was in the bag. My grandma was known for wearing large bright silky/satiny button-up shirts over black pants and black tank tops. This also reminds me of her.

That night I went to a party with my friend. It was too crazy for me. But I was happy when I got to drive her fast car home on the open freeways of Houston.

Today I finally got to eat my dad's Italian food. It's better than ever.

In the work life, my new job is going well. I think it's completely cute. At least for now. I mostly research Texas construction projects. Friday I made my first phone calls. It doesn't make me nervous to call people in general, but I was scared because I didn't feel like I knew what I was talking about well enough. I am learning SO MUCH about construction, but I'm still pretty stupid about it for the most part. My calls went okay. I seriously think this office is like "The Office". There's not quite so much drama, but the people are like characters. It's almost like sitting around in a TV show, almost. I have my own phone line and computer and cubicle that I can decorate. Though I am holding off. I haven't become too bored of it yet.

Wednesday was my Waco day. I thought it went okay. I got there at 9:30AM and stayed until 2:30PM. The news director was an older man, very respectable. Kind of intimidating. I was able to talk to some of the reporters, take a tour, pre-interview with the assistant news director, sit in on a meeting. After the actual interview I went to do a drug test and then had to take a writing test. I want to believe that by doing these things it means that maybe they're more interested in me. The station itself seems very nice. A huge studio and newly remodeled newsroom. I am supposed to hear back some time in the next week-ish. I want it SO SO SO bad. I wish there was something more I could do, but I've already sent them a note in case they forget about me after interviewing everyone else. Apparently I was one of the first people called in to interview. It was such an amazing feeling to see my resume/resume tape sitting on the TOP of the huge stack. :)

I'm mostly feeling positive. I want to maximize my satisfaction. Certain things may be improved. Stuff feels unbalanced.

NEWS

Just when I thought I had everything figured out...

I wake up this morning to the sound of my cell phone ringing. It's the news director from one of the stations in Waco. I dropped my tapes off there last month. He asks me to come in on Wednesday morning.

So I'm going to Waco again. I hope to impress this news director. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the apartment, new job and everything else I have going on here in Austin...that is...if I can get a job in Waco.

I WANT TO BE A REPORTER!

I have to make this work.

With a smile...

Maybe I've consciously or subconsciously refrained from writing very much because I've been kind of unhappy about stuff lately. I think it's hard to try to adjust to a different sort of life after school is suddenly over. BUT, today was good. Today makes me think I'll probably start writing more again, because I'll have more to write about than stupid complaints and whinings.

In a nutshell, these were my main concerns since gradation:

-getting a job
-finding somewhere new to live by July 31 (further complicated because I have no idea how long I'm going to be living in this city)
-finding a new doctor in Austin through my annoying insurance company
-finishing my last course and applying for my Spanish degree in time

This is what happened today:

-woke up to my cellphone ringing, got a job offer...ACCEPTED!
-went to school to apply to graduate in absentia, so I'll get my other diploma in September
-went to sign an app/lease for a new apartment (only for the month of August, but it's a start)

Plus, last week I chose a new doctor.

So everything seems taken care of for the time being. I feel a lot more comfortable. There's not 10000 reasons my brain is worrying most of the day.

To elaborate a little bit. The job I accepted is at a publishing company in Austin. They publish a trade journal for contractors in Texas that comes out twice a week. I'm going to train to be a reporter for them. It's not really reporting in the sense that I am getting quotes and writing stories. It seems to be more like I am compiling facts, stats and information so that contractors know what's happening construction-wise in Texas. It's probably not something I'll do forever, but it's a lot better fit for me than a receptionist job, which is what I was counting on getting. This could actually look useful on my resume. I start on Tuesday.

In the housing realm, I am taking over someone's lease for a month before they move in. It's a really big apartment complex about five minutes away from where I live now. The location isn't quite as central as where I live now, but it's still really close to everything. I'm sharing the apartment with another woman who just finished her master's at UT. There will be a cat. Hmmm...I can survive it. When I checked out the apartment today I noticed that the complex is HUGE, but still has a small-ish, cozy feel to it. I like the design and color scheme. Plus, there is tons of pretty landscaping and places to sit around outside. And a pool! Perfect for August. I'm really excited to move in because I don't like the house I live it now. It's too big and empty and creepy. And there are lots of bugs. And an animal died in the wall of my closet and my clothes are slowly absorbing the stench.

Since work starts Tuesday, my celebrations begin now and will last until then. I need to get started.

Disagreement with Dad and Geraldo Rivera

I just talked to both of my parents, one after the other. Our conversations remind me of how different they are.

Conversation with Mom: the awesome new pizza restaurant she went to with her boyfriend and my sister, recent movies, how our dog is getting better, my sister coming to Austin, me getting a job, me traveling to Waco, what I want to get my sister for her birthday, where I am going to live after July, when I'm coming home again, the grocery store

Conversation with Dad: me getting a job, me staying in Austin ("Where are you going to live?"), me not being aggressive enough, me not networking enough, me networking with people who are too young, health insurance, when I am coming home again, me getting a job, me getting a job, me getting a job, me NEEDING a job

Someone seems to think I'm failing.

My mom is pretty easy on me. She knows I worry a lot and try to work hard. However, my dad seems to pick up on (and pick at) my problems...maybe a little too much. It's true I'm not aggressive enough. Other things I will defend. I've got an ace up my sleeve. He doesn't know everything.

This past weekend was low key. I've been riding my bike around, swimming, sitting around outside. Friday night I tried to learn to drive a stick. Andrew was teaching me on his car. I started to get a hang of it after some coaching, but I am definitely not ready to be out on the roads. I can make the car move, stop the car and switch from first to second gear. Saturday we took a trip to the large Asian market in Austin. About 75% of the food there--I would have no idea what to do with it. I bought a couple of curry items and some Pocky. Sunday morning Andrew awoke with a rotten illness. I tried to help his condition with a ginger ale and ginger concoction. He suspects the dense Indian rice dish he cooked at 3AM. Luckily I didn't get the sickness, but I felt so bad for him I would've done almost anything to make it stop.

So...over the weekend this model apparently committed suicide by jumping off her NYC apartment building. Then Fox News aired footage of her dead body. Specifically on Geraldo's show. Because I'm sometimes morbid and wanted to see how bad what they showed was I found the video and watched it. It clearly shows the model's face with blood on it. Fox News says it was a "producer error". I kept that in mind when watching the video of Geraldo's show and find that VERY hard to believe. They showed the same *zooming* shot of this dead model with her face peeking out of a plastic cover more than FIVE times. That's no error. If it was shown once for a few seconds...maybe, but they definitely did it on purpose and I don't like that they lied. Personally, I don't think the video was really disturbing or anything. It wasn't especially gory. However, I think Fox News should not have put that on air because it's disrespectful. If I were her sister or cousin or friend, I wouldn't want people seeing her dead, bloody face on TV.

And on a happier note: I finished my summer school class today. I am OFFICIALLY done with school forever. And I can tell you a little bit about human evolution.

Take a chance on Waco.

So, I just burned a very painful part of my finger on the toaster. It's stinging like a mofo. My hands are also greasy but moisturized from sticking my fingers into a tub of wet mozzarella drenched in olive oil. This is what I'm doing on a Tuesday night. :)

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm going to WACO! I'm dropping off my resume tapes at the stations there in hopes of getting a job and possibly being able to stay close to Austin. Technically, only one of the stations is hiring, but it doesn't hurt to try. I am wondering if there's anything to do in Waco besides visit these TV stations. Is there a Dr. Pepper museum or something, isn't Dr. Pepper from Waco? I'm also worried about my fingernails. They're hot pink right now. Will that somehow give a bad impression? Hopefully a news director can handle hot pink nails without having a judgmental conniption. Maybe I'll trim them as a compromise. Besides worrying about my nails, I'm plain scared of talking to these people. Most people don't scare me too much, or even if they do I can hide it. I don't know about this. I'm scared one of the NDs is going to randomly scream at me.

I am also considering a job at KVUE, which is the top station in Austin. The hours are terrible and pay is low and it's not exactly the type of work I want to do (producing instead of reporting), but to actually have a job in the business in Austin would be amazing. I think I'm going to give up my weekends for this if I can obtain the job. It'll be rough, but hopefully worth it.

My bike is fixed up. We spent all weekend working on them. Andrew painted his dark green. Mine is bright red. Today I took a ride in Hyde Park (the neighborhood north of me). It was fabulous because there weren't too many hills. It was a peaceful ride.

Yesterday my mom told me one of our dogs is really sick. Today she took him to the vet and the enzyme levels in his liver are really messed up. They're going to give him medicine, but if it doesn't work they're going to have to biopsy part of his liver. It could be cancer. Poor Octane.

I want a vacation. All of this unemployment is making me crazy.

(+)

So while the previous post was more dismal...this one is supposed to be happier. Not everything is terrible. There are a few key things that have very recently been good. Let me explain:

-I got a bike yesterday. This offers me a less expensive mode of transport. For my weak-ish self, I probably won't ride much during the day. Austin's going through a stretch of record breaking heat, according to Jim Spencer on KXAN. Today I rode at about 5:30PM (still hot) with my laptop on my back. It was kinda difficult for me. Hopefully I will build my strength over time. However, I will not become a bike snob. I'm always complaining about them because they act like they own the roads over here. To me it's like this *humans:animals::cars:bikes*. I was going to explain this, but it's too much right now. Basically, we're more advanced than animals, so we rule. Cars are more advanced than bikes, so they rule. Anyway, as someone on a bike, I'll always give the car the space and the right. Because the car will always win the battle. The bike is fun. New adventures with the bike. And maybe a picture soon.

-I made egg salad yesterday. It's so delicious. I had a sandwich with egg salad on it a few weeks ago at Thundercould and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I had to try to make my own. It turned out so good. I can't stop eating egg salad sandwiches. Hopefully I'll get tired of them soon.

-I was at home over the weekend for Father's Day. My sister and I had to go shopping to get a present for my dad. While we were out my sister suggested shopping a little bit for ourselves and I agreed because I wanted a shirt to wear out that night. While we were looking my sister pulled out a dress from the rack at Express. She said it was cute and wanted me to try it on. It was on sale for $40, but then we looked at the tag at it was actually only $30. I saw the size "4". I can only consider that my size anymore if I'm lucky. I tried it on anyway and it fit perfectly! I hadn't been that excited about a clothes in so long. It's gray, very fitted and hits below the knee. AND...the clincher...I can put it in the washing machine.

Those are some of my happy things.

(-)

I like to have a plan.
Figure out how to make the plan work.
Carry out the plan.
Be happy.

Except this time it's not working. It's halfway through June and still unemployed. It's pretty much the only aggravation in my life, but a worthy one because I'm going to run out of dough. I've been to some interviews and never got hired. This is the most recent situation:

Two Fridays ago I had just gotten rejected from yet another job and was really bored and desperate. I was on Craigslist looking for admin jobs. I came across an ad to be a house cleaners. I was seriously wondering why I hadn't thought of it earlier. I love to clean! Obviously, I was delusional. This cleaning company was conducting interviews at 2PM sharp and it was 12:30PM. I got in the shower, got ready and went over there. I was hired right away. Everyone who I told seemed a little surprised. I called my grandpa for his birthday and he thought it was a joke when I told him. I started on Monday and cleaned bathrooms all day...something like ten toilets. On my hands and knees. I had pink cheeks, drips of sweat all over, sore feet and too many fumes in my system. I thought the first day might just be rough. They said it would get better. That night I talked to my mom and Andrew about it. Neither thought it was a good job. I considered quitting, but went back in the next day. It was even worse. We were cleaning big, beautiful houses and they weren't even that dirty, but I couldn't take it. The ladies training me were yelling me because I couldn't mop right. They were telling me two opposite things! I almost cried and told them to stop confusing me. They kept making me mop. I felt humiliated. Yes, maybe I suck at mopping but I graduated from college with two degrees. Should I really be mopping floors? Maybe the Austin job market IS that tough. We got back to the office and my "trainer" gave me my daily quiz over things like what types of products to use on what types of floor. She was reading a version of the quiz in Spanish because her English wasn't good enough. That was it. I left that day knowing I'd never go back. I love to clean my own house, but cleaning other people's messes for seven hours straight just isn't something I can do.

So even my desperate attempt at a job failed. The next day I got a call from a temp agency I'd applied to a few weeks before. They had a possible job for me. I interviewed for it yesterday. It's at a science consulting type place. I'd be a receptionist. However, after interviewing me they wanted to considering offering me a marketing assistant position. They kept telling me how boring the receptionist job would be and if I really wanted it. It seems like half the people don't think I'm qualified enough for a job and the other half think I'm too qualified. Also, no one will trust my lies that I won't leave after a few months. It is my intention to start looking for another job as soon as I acquire something temporary here in Austin. I'm such a bad liar. I think they're scared to hire me and I lied straight through my teeth. Maybe I'll get it if I was tricky and evil enough.

Today I did a one-day job for the temp agency at an educational software company. It was easy and pleasant. Just some filing, copying DVDs and packaging stuff. I'll make some money.

Overall I am doubting my plan. After the interview yesterday I don't know how I can get the type of job I want and not feel bad for lying and leaving before the end of the year. I think if I don't get this most recent receptionist job I'll just start looking for more temporary things where they won't care if I quit after a few months.

I also decided to start actively applying for journalism jobs. I can't wait to get a temporary job first. I want a reporting job right now. I've spent two months applying for jobs that I don't even consider permanent or interesting. I want to start trying my luck for a real job.

Enough gloom and doom. My (+) post coming soon.

Derailed

It's been almost a month since I've written. It hasn't been because I forgot. I've just been uninspired.

Although I'm generally happy with my day to day life, I'm getting depressed, frustrated and worried about the future plans I do not have. I feel like I'm losing the desire to work and compete for the things I want. Maybe I've trapped myself in a way. I am still looking for a job in Austin. I stupidly limited myself to the type of work I wanted to do (admin) and am finding that I'm not even worthy to be a secretary. I feel like with two degrees I should have been able to find a job faster than I have and now I am doubting my value. Then I get worried that if I can't manage to get a job as a secretary, how will I ever get a reporting job. I am shooting myself in the foot because I am putting off other things until I get a job. For example, I could easily be sending out resume tapes and applying for reporting jobs, but I keep telling myself that finding a temporary job is more important because I need money to survive on right now. It could take months before I get hired as a reporter anywhere. Also, I really want to start doing yoga again and I feel like I can't start paying for the classes until I've secured a job. I want to plan a trip for the end of the summer, but I feel like I shouldn't allow myself that until I get a job. I feel so stuck and my stuckness just makes me more and more frustrated. There are leads for my temporary job idea. I've been on interviews, sent my resume dozens of places, but it's not good enough. I even know what I'm doing wrong and I can't change it and accept it because I keep making excuses. I don't feel like myself in terms of my competitiveness, drive and abilities. I think graduating from college is supposed to make you want to take on the world and make you feel so strong and confident. I don't feel like that at all. I feel more stupid, weak and unsure. I waited so long for this time in my life and now I don't feel like I can do anything right and that I might let myself fail.

At least I have a good grip on my day to day life. Obviously, I have nothing else to do. I guess I am trying to prepare everything as much as I can for when I have a job and less time to organize my own life. Today I got Leopard on my computer. After many failed attempts, my computer hero was able to figure out a way to make my computer accept it. It's fun to play with all the new features and my geeky self looks forward to customizing it more. I am also taking an online class at the community college here to finish off my Spanish degree at UT. I'm learning all about physical anthropology, though I wish cultural anthropology could also count for the stupidly specific course I need for UT science credit. I'm having to relearn a bunch of stuff about evolution and genetics. Luckily it'll all be over in a month and I'll have my second degree.

It's past 4AM and I wish I were more tired. My lack of work has turned me into a nocturnal creature. I can't sleep earlier than 4-5AM and I can't seem to wake up before noon. I am living in the "Haunted Mansion" (as my roommates called it) for a week by myself, though I am not always alone. My roommates moved away for summer jobs. Fortunately the girlfriend of my ex-roommate is moving in later this week. She was also going to be alone in a house for the summer, so we're joining forces.

I feel like I could easily erase what I've written, but I've already done that a few times and have consequently not posted for a month. Hopefully I'll start writing more once I get on track.

Gender Themes

Last night, almost right after I published my scattered entry, I read something that interested me. It's not astonishing or even surprising information, but I read with a thoughtful mind. It's from this book I'm reading about Greek life at universities. I read a book about sororities a few years ago (Pledged by Alexandra Robbins) that was written by a journalist who went undercover and "revealed" a lot of things that upset sorority girls. She was harshly criticized by the Greek world following her expose. Anyway, the guy that wrote this book (Inside Greek U. by Alan DeSantis) is much less critical. He was in a frat himself and currently works with them at the university where he is a professor. DeSantis did his research differently, mostly by focus groups and talking to students he knew. Both were/are interesting to me because I cannot understand the mentality of the people that join these groups. Also, the overall secrecy of the organizations can be appealing to a curious person. But I digress.

DeSantis sets up most of the book by talking about gender and how gender roles are so strict within the Greek community. He gives each gender five "themes" which are the opposite of the other five gender themes. It's not to say that women and men are expected to act how their gender theme dictates...especially not in this day and age. However, adherence to these gender themes is much more prevalent for men and women in fraternities and sororities.

The feminine themes are:

-Monogamy and Virginity: not trashy or a whore, only has sex with someone she is deeply, emotionally connected to

-Nurturing and Caring: women are caregivers and nurturers, whether they are tending to children, boyfriends or sorority sisters, they worry about the people they love

-Petite Physical Type: women should be petite and thin, usually have an unhealthy relationship with food, being too muscular, overweight or large is a serious flaw

-Relational Interdependence: to be fulfilled women need other people in their life to complete them, being a mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc...

-Domestic Orientation: a woman may work at home or not, but she should always prioritize her domestic sphere, many women interviewed for the book considered their major to be a "safety net" in case they actually had to get a job

I can partially relate to some of these themes. I don't believe in virginity until marriage because I don't think a ceremony and some vows dictates whether you're ready to have sex with someone. I do believe in having some kind of emotional attachment to the person you have sex with. It's too subjective to define what "deep" might mean. Personally, I am monogamous, maybe even biologically monogamous. However, I don't think that it's morally wrong to have multiple partners as long as you're safe about it. Whether you openly discuss your sexual escapades may determine whether you are labeled a "slut" or a "whore" by people, but not always. I don't think it's fair that woman are labeled in a such a way for acting the way so many men do, but I think they need to understand that it's going to happen regardless and make their decisions accordingly.

I understand worrying about people I love more than being nurturing. I think my way of showing affection and care for people isn't totally blatant and probably misinterpreted a lot. The feelings exist. When I do something nice for a person I care about I get such a wonderful feeling. It's almost exciting...maybe because I don't do it enough. Anyway, for me it's just the trouble of expressing these feelings. I mostly worry about the well-being of people I love and don't proactively try to nurture them. I think most women are nurturers though, in some form or another; it seems biological.

My physical type is average. It's always been that way, and hopefully stays that way. If I were to gain a lot of weight I would definitely have to lose it. I can't say that I understand being "muscular, overweight, or large" right now, but I think it'd be awful in the society we live in. I know I have a decently healthy body and even I feel some pressure to look better. I think we're taught never to be satisfied with ourselves physically, whether we're in a sorority or not. It would take a such a strong woman to totally love her body. Sometimes I worry about the pressure I might face in the future if I pursue a career in broadcasting. I don't think it would be terrible, but I'd probably become a lot more conscious of what I eat and how my body looks. I can't imagine how bad it must be in a sorority.

Relational interdependence is something I cannot relate to, almost at all. I've never felt completed by anyone, nor do I expect to. To me, relational interdependence seems very dangerous. Perhaps I've never allowed myself these feelings, but I typically view most relationships as temporary. Rather, the connectedness is temporary. I don't doubt I can "know" someone for ages, but I'm not sure that my dependence on them would always be a permanent thing. I don't want to depend on anyone because what happens if they abruptly leave? It's probably my lame form of emotional protection. I feel a permanent interdependence with my immediate family. I think I've moved too many times and been separated from people I care about too many times to cling to this idea without it scaring me.

Finally, domestic orientation...LOL. Right now I don't want a family, so at least there wouldn't be any extra people to take care of. Even if I did want a family, I'd expect the father to be as equally domestically oriented as me. For a man to expect the woman to take care of the house and kids by default is wrong. I do care about having a nice place to live. I like to clean. Sometimes I like to cook, eh. But I would never do it because I was expected to. I think we should be past the idea of domestic goddesses. I hope to find a domestic god somewhere, or at least a guy that can cook.

To be fair, I can give the opposing male gender themes. As if they weren't already obvious.

-Heterosexual Promiscuity: having as much sex with as many women as possible increases a man's rank and prestige

-Toughness and Assertiveness: no real man takes shit from anyone, fighting is tolerated and encouraged

-Imposing Physical Type: big muscles=guys fear you and chicks dig you

-Relational Independence: real men are self-reliant, they don't need anyone to accomplish tasks, manage their emotions or be complete

-Professional Orientation: men should be successful in the public or business realm

The described man might be my worst nightmare.

Waiting Room

I want to write, but nothing is coming out. It's probably the first time this has happened. Nothing seems cohesive enough.

-Visiting the assistant news director to have my resume tape critiqued. I have concluded that my tape is probably sufficient, but that I'm nothing special.

-Graduation is soon. All I can think about is getting money because I have almost none. I feel guilty for this.

-I continued my job search today. No one wants to hire someone who might have to leave, so I'll have to start lying.

-Laying in bed and feeling the night breeze on my legs. My window is eternally open since I kicked the glass out during a tickling rampage.

-Registering for a course at ACC for the summer to finish my Spanish major. The people there are so nice, but their web site is awful.

-Extremely worried about how to handle the next few months

-My head hurts.

-Happy, somehow.

My life feels stagnant. It's like I'm treading water, but I'm getting bored and tired. I want something to HAPPEN. I want to know my future.

Brick Lane

I just finished watching this movie. It was something I'd wanted to see when it came out last year, but never had the chance to. When I visited London I went to Brick Lane...which is now less of a Bangladeshi area since it is becoming gentrified.

It's been awhile since I felt so affected by a movie. I'm not even sure why. I can't exactly relate to the story or the characters. A young Bangladeshi girl is sent to London and forced into an arranged marriage. She keeps in close contact with her sister in Bangladesh and dreams of going back. She is traditional. Her husband, also Bangladeshi, looks more modern, but is very traditional in his mind. He is large and controlling. Their two adolescent daughters have already assimilated into London's culture. The main character finds herself attracted to a younger man who brings clothes to her house. She works as a seamstress for extra money. They have an affair. I think the affair liberates her, in a sense. She becomes more vocal and goes out more, though still remaining so controlled by her husband. Eventually she finds herself wanting to stay in London. Her husband reveals he had always dreamed of going back to Bangladesh. The family has to decide what to do... The story reminded me of one that could have been written by Jhumpa Lahiri, one of my favorite authors.

The movie made me think about so many things...it scares me about life. I guess I can be glad I stand no chance of being fixed up into an arranged marriage. I got so frightened of having a fat, horrible husband. She has to cook for him, take off his coat, pick at his toenails, not talk back and have sex with him whenever he wants. She is not allowed to retaliate at all. I could not imagine a relationship like this. The marriage just seemed to be two people who were randomly stuck together and had to make a life together. It's not fair to have to live like that. When the main character finally begins an affair she becomes so much more alive. Before then she seemed like an unhappy robot. But even when she finds love with the clothes deliverer, she can't really have it. And she doesn't really have that love with her husband. She writes to her sister:

"No one told me there are different kinds of love. The kind that starts big and slowly wears away--that seems you'll never use it up and then one day it is finished. Then there is the kind that you do not notice at first--to it adds a little bit to itself every day, like an oyster makes a pearl, grain by grain, a jewel from the sand."

The splitting of the family in the movie also reminds me of my own family in some ways. This family splits so amicably. Everything is taken care of, everyone retains some love for one another. There is a scene where the husband and wife hug goodbye. They love each other like family and that is all, but they cling to one another because that's the love they've known for so long. In the movie the father says the rest of the family will "join him later" though I am not sure if that is meant to be true. The father leaves the mother in charge and trusts her so completely and shows so much confidence in her. While they may not love one another, the parents seem to still respect each other. I like that.

The characters were real to me. I could identify with their problems and feelings on a very basic level--having things taken away, having things unravel.

pretty standard

I'm fairly proud that I've warded off Senioritis until the last couple weeks of school.

I'm skipping my pass/fail class. Not reading from "Voces de Hispanoamérica" as much as I should. And not studying for this linguistics test as much as I should.

At this point I'm pretty sure I'll be able to graduate, which is all I care about. Fortunately I've chosen a profession that doesn't require an amazing GPA.

Finding a summer job/temporary job is the biggest struggle for now. I've sort of tried looking. I get frustrated easily when I feel rejected by someone or something. All I want to do is get a simple job working in an office. I've done it before. I feel like I'm qualified to answer phones, do paperwork, use a computer and interact with people. I can dress professionally if I have to. I'm on time. I'm not totally crazy. I probably need to dress in a nice outfit, strut into an office, smile a lot and talk to someone in person. Eh.

Then there's the real job. I was told by a reporter last week that I need to treat getting this job like it's a job. Some reporters are really discouraging. Maybe not exactly discouraging, but they make it seem so difficult just to get hired anywhere. I mean, apparently once you break in, it's okay. But he was saying I need to drive to all these cities in Texas and hand deliver my resume tape to each director. (But, OMG, I have such a phobia of news directors. And for a good reason!) Another reporter told me she only got two Christmases off in the eight years she's been working. How am I ever supposed to see my family again? I hope everyone is trying to be a little dramatic. Today I was out with a photog and I was telling him about how nervous I am and he said he thought I was one of two interns this semester that really has potential. He was saying I could go as far as I want. I honestly thanked him because I feel like it's so rare to hear that from anyone. Everyone wants to tell you how horrible it is. People in broadcast news seem to have such a love/hate relationship with their profession. I can understand it though. Later tonight an important person at the station told me I was the "prettiest intern". :) It's goofy, but sometimes compliments from certain people can make you feel better, even if they're just about looks. But even looks are important in this business...

I need to spend the next couple of weeks getting more excited about graduating. As scared as I am to deal with the job world, I should be really grateful that I'm getting two degrees. (Well, the second one in August.) It's pretty lucky that I was able to double major in four years, and have time to study abroad. And to find the scholarships to pay for more than half of it. And to have parents that were involved and supportive.

Besides all of the worrying I do about school/graduation/job/future...I've still found time to have fun. This has been the semester of work hard, play hard. For the first time in a long time I've had whole weekends off. Of course I'm not sitting around all weekend, though I'm also not doing highly important things. But I feel like I've just been able to get out and enjoy the city more. Just in the past couple of weekends I've been to concerts downtown, dancing downtown, played baseball in the park, tried at least two new restaurants, played pool with friends, been to a festival, walked around in a creek, thrown a boomerang. And I've eaten a lot of shaved ice. I'm really grateful I have the time to do stuff like this. I'm also grateful to know a fun person who likes to do stuff with me.

It's good.

As for the stressful weekday stuff, "It'll all come out in the wash."

I hope.