in the WORKS

WTF is it supposed to mean when I crack open my fortune cookie and there's nothing in there? I wish there had been one in there to tell me what to do with the next five years of my life.

What were once romantic life scenarios floating around in my head have become more of a reality. It's difficult for me because I'm really unsure about what I'm doing.

Basically I pursued broadcast journalism like a madwoman most of the time I was in college. I had some doubts along the way, but talked myself out of them. I really did like what I was studying. Then I studied abroad and things got kind of muddled in my mind. I guess I just realized how many opportunities there were in the world to do all kinds of things. And I realized how much I loved being in another country and visiting other countries and learning about other parts of the world. After I got back from Spain I suppose I felt kind of restricted in the path I created for myself. There's a lot I want to do. It's SO HARD for me to start to let go of a dream I've pursued since I was 15. I came so close and even interviewed for that job in Waco. But now I sit back and think about what I've done since I graduated and I've been really unmotivated about sending out tapes. I want to be clear: I am not rejecting journalism in any way. It's still what I plan to pursue in life. However, I don't think I can follow the route I am "supposed to" and be happy. I don't want to spend most of my twenties in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I've been in small towns, quite honestly, I'm not interested. I wrote an email to my host mom in Spain and found myself describing the pursuit of broadcast journalism as an "obligación". Meanwhile I had these other ideas that I was much more excited about, and I think I'd rather focus on those for now.

So, my revised plan...this fall I am applying to two programs. One is a fellowship program with NPR. Only three people are chosen each year, but I really respect NPR and am willing to spend a lot of time working on the application. Second is the JET program, where you go teach English in Japan. Also competitive. Both last a year. I would be completely blown away if I was accepted to either program. I am actually excited to apply for both things!

If neither program accepts me I am going to try to go teach English in South America. I plan to get a certification in early 2009 to teach English as a foreign language. Maybe go off to Argentina/Chile/??? some time in the summer of 2009? It's too up in the air to really know right now. All I know is that I want to live abroad again. I am desperate to finish learning Spanish. There are things I could do to help myself here, right now, but I want to be immersed again. It's too hard trying to learn another language when you're hearing English all the time.

Part of me feels like I've gotten WAY off track, especially since I put so much time and effort into studying a very specific thing. But I know what I'm excited about in my heart. Quite honestly, I wish there was a way I could do broadcasting when I come back from whatever I'm doing, but I worry my resume tape's going to be too old and my employers would wonder why I ran off to another country after dedicating myself so much to one thing. But this is the time to do it, right? I have a little money saved, I'm not married, I don't have kids, my parents and sister are healthy, I just got two degrees and have a job I can leave without causing too much trouble. This is when I need to take some risks, right? I worry about hindering my career, but I feel such a sense of urgency about doing what I feel passionate about right now. I didn't feel any passion for small towns and cranky news directors. Facing my true feelings has me all tied up in knots. If anyone has any advice...don't hesitate.

Another true feeling that I've been facing on a daily basis? THAT I HATE DRIVING AND COOKING. Someone please hire me a chauffeur and a chef because I think I'm going to crash my car and starve.

There was some random goodness the other day when Ernesto (graphic designer friend in Boston) called me to say his boss wants to commission me to work on a cross-stitch for a book cover. Delightful! There's nothing better than getting large amounts of unexpected money for doing something I like. Plus my "work" would be a on a freaking book! OMG, cool. I'm such an artist now. :)

Finally, I am considering a new web site for this blog. I want to give it a permanent home and also expand the web site more or combine it with the other web site I had. It's in the works if I can figure out how the heck to make a web site.