Ramblings instead of travelings.

I should really calm down with this blog but there are always a few random thoughts in my mind that I want to write down. Living here, there's always something I've noticed, even if it's just a normal day. Today my mood is frustrated. I'm not sure exactly why. I think it's related to my feeling of unproductiveness. It's been the hugest headache trying to obtain tickets to the Alhambra in Granada. Alhambra is basically the reason we're going to that city. I don't even feel like explaining the whole story because it's too annoying. I've been trying to get the tickets since last week and found out today they're sold out. Our only option now is to wait in line at 7:30AM the day we want to go. Not appealing. Ugh, I spent all weekend worrying/trying to get them and it was all for nothing. I almost had them last night but the stupid web site "couldn't complete my transaction" for whatever reason. We're getting in. I'll make sure of that.

I feel too lazy for anything right now. I think I need a siesta. There are many things I need to get done because I'm leaving in less than two days, but I feel too frustrated and tired. I keep so many lists and it's driving me nuts because nothing gets crossed off. I tried not keeping lists here. I tried! And I couldn't manage. I started forgetting important things. Lists are too much a part of me. I remember creating lists that planned out my afternoon by 15 minute intervals when I was in elementary school. My biggest accomplishment is that I stopped writing down my homework assignments. :) I feel like such a rebel.

Happier news: it is possible my Spanish is improving. I finally understand where accent marks go. I remember being totally confused about that until my second/third years of college. Now I can hear words and tell where the accents are...for the most part. I've also met some people here that speak Spanish who've told they notice my fluency has improved. But sometimes it's still really bad. Sometimes I find it impossible to communicate things to Ana. Or I just can't understand what she's telling me. And then once I get too conscious about what I'm trying to say, it's over. There's still such a disconnect between what's going on in my mind and what my mouth is doing. I hear the mistakes come out of my own lips, but I always feel so rushed to finish sentences that I keep going even if it's wrong. Then I get stopped and corrected anyway, even though I know its' wrong. My mind doesn't necessarily immediately think of stuff in Spanish, but it's always trying to translate. I'm getting too accustomed to everything in Spanish. We met some men from England on the way to the soccer game yesterday and it was so weird to speak to someone in public, strangers, not in Spanish. I think it's going to be really odd to go to London and hear so much English again.

Another thing I've gotten used to: smoking. It's not me with the cigarettes, but it doesn't bother me in the same way it once did. Smoking is widely accepted and tolerated here. It seems to be done more in moderation, like people will smoke a couple a day. I personally can't understand the reasons people start smoking and I guess they only continue because of addiction. I just don't ever want to be the old lady with yellow teeth and nails, a wrinkly face and sicknesses. In the meantime I'll continue to inhale the wafts of secondhand smoke swirling around me.

Last night's Barca game was awesome. It went by way too fast though. I'm used to watching baseball games. They crawl compared to how fast soccer matches are played. We learned who the popular players were, did some cheering, made friends with the middle-aged men nearby and left in a tizzy. Soccer fans are pretty wild, even for a low profile game. It's something I'm SO glad I did, but not something I'd do often if I lived here.

Right now I'm saying YES to:
-going to Southern Spain
-productivity
-text messages
-my new boots
-Philip Glass
-pink fingernails

And NO to:
-the pain behind my eyes
-leisure reading
-cold hands
-spending money
-the lack of Halloween in this country
-my lack of Alhambra tickets

Más mañana o más en una semana.

Up in the air.

Today I was in the shower thinking about how much I love it here. I've talked to a few people who seem to think there's no reason why I couldn't just come back after I graduate. People in other parts of the world seem to pick up and leave their countries like it's nothing. I ask..."What about getting a job? What about a visa? What about money?" The answer is universally: you just get a job, start working, meeting people and you're okay. I don't know if I could do something like that, I'm too focused on exactly what I want, but would it be so bad to change my plans? Barcelona (and Europe) is messing with my head. It's seducing me in this disgusting way that makes me want to give everything up to stay here forever. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm here in fantasyland as a student without any responsibilities. If I were here as an adult with a job it would be so much different. My original point, I was in the shower thinking about how I could get over here more legitimately after graduation. I want to start considering jobs in documentary production. I want to see the world. It's so much more important than murders, house fires and car accidents. My host mom went on a fifteen minute tirade this morning about how horrible TV is. How it's making people imbeciles. I've known for awhile, and I only noticed more this summer, that I'm different than a lot of the people in the business. It's not to say I can't get along with them or that they're bad people; I'm just different. I can identify with the competitiveness, the bottom line-ness, the importance of deadlines, the love of current events. However, I can't relate to being fake with people to get what you want from them. I can't relate to annoying people who shouldn't be bothered. I feel like two things could happen if I get a job in broadcasting after graduation: I can either use my different-ness to my advantage and pass up all of the chumps on my way to the top. My other option is that I'll have to give it up if I can't fit in enough to do well in the business. I can't conform...to be the perky, cute reporter they might want me to be. I feel like I'll either do really well or really fail. If I start to fail I'm going straight to documentaries. In Europe. I might just do it anyway.

I realized I haven't driven a car in two months. I think I'll be really scared to drive when I get back. Here driving is such a procedure, it seems so difficult. I can't say I miss it at all. Though I'd still love to ride a moto around for a day.

Regretfully, we missed the sunrise again this morning. Instead I got a lovely view of the city from the top of someone's terrazza a few hours before the sunrise. I could see my building right down the street and the window of Santa Maria del Pi. Barcelona is so beautiful.

Tonight is the soccer game! WOOOOOO FCB!

AHHHHHH!

I'M GOING TO SEE THE ARCADE FIRE IN LONDON!

I don't care that it's expensive.
I don't care the venue is in North London.
I don't care I'm going alone.

This is going to be amazing.

!!!!!!!!! :)

Arcade Fire in London

I was just looking to see if any bands I know would be playing in London the weekend I'll be there. Well...The Arcade Fire.

OMG.

I can hardly believe it. Obviously I started looking for tickets immediately. Apparently they sold out within two minutes after they went on sale in June. However, I found a random person that's selling some for 50£. That's 100USD but I don't care. If I can see The Arcade Fire in LONDON my life will be complete. Here's to hoping it can happen.

(I also entered a contest to win two tickets to M.I.A. in London in December. Who knows...?)

Eating Nutella straight out of the jar...

There are about six places I would like to write about that I've visited, but it seems too long and difficult to do. I am considering just uploading some pictures or just writing a brief list. I would almost rather write about the day to day things that are happening to me and how it feels to live here. It's boring, in a way, to simply recall activity after activity when traveling around.

Life in Barcelona is awesome. This is my last weekend in the city before three straight weekends of travel. Megumi and I have vowed to make it unforgettable. Friday I don't have class so I'm going to try to do something cultural like visit a museum or go to Sagrada Familia, since I still haven't been. I also want to take some pictures of my school since it'll be mostly empty and less embarrassing/annoying. Thursday and Friday night are for boys. Reluctant. Saturday Megumi is going to be Cava tasting and my other friends are going to be in Rome. I'll have a sort of free day. Maybe indulge in another cultural experience. I was thinking I could take the train to Girona for the day, but I'd rather save some money. Saturday night is our big night. Megumi and I are going somewhere really fun. We're not sure where yet, but we're buying champagne and drinking it on the beach while we watch the sunrise. If we don't become too exhausted first. Then Sunday! Today we bought tickets for a fútbol game! We're going to see Barcelona play Almeria on Sunday night. It's going to be so crazy. I'm not the type to spend money on a sporting event, but watching a fútbol game in Spain...it has to be done! Then the next week begins and I'm leaving on Wednesday morning to go to Southern Spain.

This past week my host mom's dad, Fernando, has been staying with us because his wife (my host mom's mom) is in Madrid with Carla (my host mom's daughter) to see the dentist. They've been gone since Sunday and I think they won't be back for another few days. It's strange, for a dentist he must be magic. On Tuesday Fernando cooked paella. It was so gigantic. The paella plate was as big as a large pizza. It contained at least three lobsters, clams, mussels, shrimps and squid. There were so many shells all over the place. I really like seafood, but it's much "fresher" here, which means it's much harder for me to each. When someone serves me a dish that has eyes and legs and hairs still attached, I don't know where to start. It's mostly the lobster and shrimp that gives me trouble. After lunch Fernando told Megumi and I there was still a live lobster in the refrigerator. Super fresh. Today we ate him in a stew for lunch and I got the head. I couldn't eat it. Seafood is hard to eat when it has a face. After getting lobster face in my stew Ana brought out a hunk of cured meat from Mallorca that looked like it was stitched together in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They told me the mixed meat inside was being held together with skin from a butt. It seriously looked like some kind of rotten football. And then I ate a big piece. Sabroso y picante. Cada día hay una nueva adventura de comida. Pan con tomate y aceite is so good. Bread with mashed tomato, olive oil and salt on it. Mmmm. I'm already wondering where I can buy Spanish type foods when I get back to the US.

Less happy news, Nuba, Ana's dog, is getting old and sick. She can't climb/descend the three flights of stairs to/from our flat anymore because her legs are messed up because she's old. Ana kept trying to get her to go out to use the bathroom but she keeps falling. Now she's started taking dumps in the house because there's nothing else to do. It's not like we have a backyard or anything. Ana tries to lay out newspapers and stuff, but I don't know how long this can go on. It's really sad because Nuba is like Ana's child.

I can't believe my stay here is half over. I'm already getting so sad. This life I am living is nothing like I've known in so many years. I have so little responsibility and so much time to do what I want. It's going to be a drastic and difficult change when I return to the US. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. Though, right now I wish I could be in the US for a few hours because I read they are re-releasing Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D. As soon as I saw the ad, I tried to figure out if I could see it in Spain. Unfortunately this appears to only be a US engagement. :( Someone see it for me and tell me how cool it was. I miss movies in English. I've seen many here for my film class, but it's not as enjoyable when you're trying to translate everything. Luckily, Jamie (Carla's husband) has a huge collection of DVDs (in ENGLISH) and is letting us borrow them. Problem is, when am I going to have time to sit down and watch a movie?

Come back in focus again

A few weeks ago the professor of my Textos Narrativos class asked us an interesting question pertaining to the story we had just read. Translated...

"Are your desires part of your identity?"

I've been trying for too many minutes to answer this question and I keep erasing what I write because it sounds complicated and uninteresting. I think my professional desires are part of my identity right now. What other kinds of desires do I even have? This is where I'm getting stuck. I have personal desires...like related to my social/romantic life. I have desires related to my own self...like things I want to do to improve my own experience on this earth. I guess like another branch of personal desires. I have, maybe world desires, is how I could put it. Desires to improve the lives of other people. Is is sad that my professional desires are the only ones I feel like define me? Sometimes I feel like the personal desires identify me, but only to the extent that they are related exclusively to me. I don't like to have my identity linked to anyone else's. I don't know; I just thought it was a cool question.

I recently downloaded the new Radiohead CD. I think it's amazing. If I was more musically literate I would try to explain why. I like some of the lyrics. I love Thom Yorke's voice. I like a lot of the guitar...solos...I don't know if they're exactly solos. The way the guitar complements everything else. Sometimes it has a strong sounds and...harmonizes maybe. Ugh, why can't I describe these things better? I guess I'll never be a music reviewer. I am definitely impressed though. I was scared after Radiohead released Hail to the Thief and I thought they said they wouldn't release anymore LPs. But they have, they are! Right now my favorite songs are "Nude", "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi" and "Jigsaw Falling Into Place". However, this is subject to change.

Today I booked my tickets to Southern Spain. I'm going over Halloween weekend. I really wish I could be in the US for Halloween. I want to get dressed up! I guess seeing Granada, Cordoba and Sevilla will be just as good. It's going to be All Saints while we're there. I hear Andalucia is friendlier, cheaper and more traditionally Spanish than the rest of the country. After visiting Toledo and seeing the influence of so many cultures I got REALLY excited about this trip. I have also altered my plans for Prague. I was having trouble getting someone to go with me. Megumi was considering, but she wanted to see Berlin. I wasn't opposed to Berlin, so we put our heads together and decided to fly to Berlin, take a bus to Prague and then go back to Barcelona from there. TWO CITIES! With Megumi. It's going to be our grand finale! Right before finals and right before I go back to the US. Though I might try to squeeze one more short trip in. I still want to go to (and can easily get to) Avignon, somewhere in northern Spain and Portugal. I'd only have time for one, if that.

Since my computer broke I've been to Tarragona, Montserrat and Madrid. (Tarra/Mont are actually SOUTH of Barcelona, not north.) Tomorrow I'm leaving for Figueres which is north of Barcelona, for sure. It's close to France and home to the Dalí Museum. I have yet to write about any of these adventures in the blog. :( I've been really busy this week and haven't had time to sit down to write long entrages. I'll make it happen because I can't forget these times.

Tonight was supposed to be a low-key wine and cheese gathering, although canceled. Now, a pub instead, perhaps. Today I watched the most boring (and most important, some say) Spanish movie, El Verdugo. Last night I tangoed on the streets at 3AM with an Argentinian dancer. I ate Nutella and galletas in the kitchen when I got home. We'd eaten little squids for dinner and I couldn't swallow enough to fill me up. It was like eating bugs. The smell is still lingering in the refrigerator. Rather, taking over.

I keep getting into situations and I can't believe it's my life. Halfway through the semester my friends and I still talk about how unreal it is we're living here.

RIP, still

I am once again with computer.

I have the ability to write about the trips I've been taking and the things I've been noticing, but it's not the time right now. Yesterday would have been my grandma's birthday, it was also the one year anniversary of her death. I've been thinking about her. I went back to read my entries about it on my LiveJournal. I also wrote a letter to her...after she had died. It was saved on my computer, but after it crashed, I don't know. I suppose it's saved on my other hard drive in the United States. One year later I am still thinking of her frequently. It's still unreal that she's not in my life anymore. I think of all the things that have happened to me over the past year that I wish she could know about. She knew I was going to come to Spain. She was really excited for me. We wanted her to come to Italy, but she was scared to fly.

Life goes on, the pain slowly subsides, but it's still hard to think that she's gone. Her death toppled me in an unreal way last year. It wasn't the type of emotional pain that can physically affect you, it was the type of deep pain that makes you think and think and think. It's missing someone and thinking of all the little details about them and all of the memories you had together.

No more Mac.

Mac and I are over. I'm obviously going to keep the things I already have (computer, iPod, iTunes) but I am no longer supporting them. Unless they decide to comply with my requests, which I will make clear in my formal complaint.

My hard drive crashed last week. I originally thought the gray screen problem would be minor, but apparently not. My computer is less than a year and a half old and the warantee only expired in June. I am guessing Mac will tell me I should have gotten Apple Care. Whatever. It's disgraceful that they can sell me a computer that will break in such a short amount of time. Especially after I've already had numerous problems with it. It was sent back to the factory once to have the outer shell replaced and after that it always had a backlight flicker...that was well-documented online...though when I took it to the store (still under warantee at that point) that claimed they had no idea what the problem was or what I was talking about.

Thankfully some of my information was backed up. I would have had almost everything backed up if it hadn't been for the incompatibility problems the MacBook had with my external hard drive at the end of the summer. Yet another negative for Mac: they try to tell you it's so compatible with everything a PC is, but it's not.

Besides the laptop, my iPod is also faulty. The first one I had was replaced by Mac (under warantee) because it stopped functioning correctly. They admitted their mistake but charged me $30 processing to give me a replacement. My new one has a cosmetic/mechanical problem now with the middle button on the click-wheel. It no longer clicks, it still works, though irritatingly and with force. However, the problem turned up right after the warantee was already over. Even though the new iPod was just that...NEW because it was a replacement. And it broke in a matter of months.

I was skeptical of Mac to begin with...after I got one and became a "Mac person" I was still never totally convinced. Macs are hip; they look nice...I guess for some people they even function correctly. However, I cannot accept this. Mac is "una trampa". A trick, my new favorite Spanish word. I'm having to pay amounts of money I cannot afford when I am already overseas watching my bank account deplete. It's been one blow after another over here. I don't even care anymore. Money can always be earned back. In the end, I'm never going to be a bum living in a box on the street, so what's the point of worrying too much. I'm going to be a poor journalist for a long time anyway so I might as well get used to it.

That's it. I'm done thinking about the bi-partisan world of computers. Once I was the ugly conservative PC, then I became a cool liberal Mac. Now I'm a disillusioned Mac who was filled with false promises by Steve Jobs, the ultimate candidate. Where are the third parties?

Hmmm...off to forget my troubles in Madrid this weekend. Non-pissy updates about culture and travels coming soon.

mad mad mad

Well...the luggage problems were annoying and expensive. Then the robbery was scary and also expensive. I´ve been sick-ish for the past month I´ve been here. Our laundry machine has been broken for the past two weeks. I haven´t been able to wash any of my clothes since I left the United States. All of that´s fine. Despite these inconsequential problems I´ve been deliriously happy here.

Then, last night, my computer died. UGHHHHHHHHHHH! I get a gray screen with a flashing file folder that has a question mark inside of it. WTF? There are also some clicking noises when the computer first turns on, which worries me because the problem could be mechanical. The Apple site says the computer needs to remember where the operating system is, or something. But I don´t have a reinstall CD. I also looked at some Mac help forums and the answers seem scary. Many people just had crappy computers that stopped functioning. This cannot happen to me! I don´t have the money for a new laptop. Besides, mine is less than 1.5 years old. And how the hell do I go about fixing a computer when I can hardly explain the problem in Spanish? There´s not even a Mac store here! I feel doomed because I realize my computer is my life.

-Connection to home, anti-homesickness device
-Ability to write/blog, my therapy
-My stereo, source of music
-How I do my banking
-How I plan these trips I´m supposed to take
-How I get news from the States
-Watching movies
-Help with assignments for school
-Knowing where things are located in Barcelona

I can´t survive without a computer. There are computers I can use at school and at the library but they´re always in use because no one really has laptops here. It´s not like I can get on and take care of everything at once. Why is Apple so bad to me? I´ve had problems with my iPod and problems with my computer. I guess all of the trash-talking I did has come back to haunt me. I guess I´m not just compatible with Mac...I´m just the ugly PC man from the commercials. Or maybe I´m not either. Computers just hate me.