Brick Lane

I just finished watching this movie. It was something I'd wanted to see when it came out last year, but never had the chance to. When I visited London I went to Brick Lane...which is now less of a Bangladeshi area since it is becoming gentrified.

It's been awhile since I felt so affected by a movie. I'm not even sure why. I can't exactly relate to the story or the characters. A young Bangladeshi girl is sent to London and forced into an arranged marriage. She keeps in close contact with her sister in Bangladesh and dreams of going back. She is traditional. Her husband, also Bangladeshi, looks more modern, but is very traditional in his mind. He is large and controlling. Their two adolescent daughters have already assimilated into London's culture. The main character finds herself attracted to a younger man who brings clothes to her house. She works as a seamstress for extra money. They have an affair. I think the affair liberates her, in a sense. She becomes more vocal and goes out more, though still remaining so controlled by her husband. Eventually she finds herself wanting to stay in London. Her husband reveals he had always dreamed of going back to Bangladesh. The family has to decide what to do... The story reminded me of one that could have been written by Jhumpa Lahiri, one of my favorite authors.

The movie made me think about so many things...it scares me about life. I guess I can be glad I stand no chance of being fixed up into an arranged marriage. I got so frightened of having a fat, horrible husband. She has to cook for him, take off his coat, pick at his toenails, not talk back and have sex with him whenever he wants. She is not allowed to retaliate at all. I could not imagine a relationship like this. The marriage just seemed to be two people who were randomly stuck together and had to make a life together. It's not fair to have to live like that. When the main character finally begins an affair she becomes so much more alive. Before then she seemed like an unhappy robot. But even when she finds love with the clothes deliverer, she can't really have it. And she doesn't really have that love with her husband. She writes to her sister:

"No one told me there are different kinds of love. The kind that starts big and slowly wears away--that seems you'll never use it up and then one day it is finished. Then there is the kind that you do not notice at first--to it adds a little bit to itself every day, like an oyster makes a pearl, grain by grain, a jewel from the sand."

The splitting of the family in the movie also reminds me of my own family in some ways. This family splits so amicably. Everything is taken care of, everyone retains some love for one another. There is a scene where the husband and wife hug goodbye. They love each other like family and that is all, but they cling to one another because that's the love they've known for so long. In the movie the father says the rest of the family will "join him later" though I am not sure if that is meant to be true. The father leaves the mother in charge and trusts her so completely and shows so much confidence in her. While they may not love one another, the parents seem to still respect each other. I like that.

The characters were real to me. I could identify with their problems and feelings on a very basic level--having things taken away, having things unravel.

pretty standard

I'm fairly proud that I've warded off Senioritis until the last couple weeks of school.

I'm skipping my pass/fail class. Not reading from "Voces de Hispanoamérica" as much as I should. And not studying for this linguistics test as much as I should.

At this point I'm pretty sure I'll be able to graduate, which is all I care about. Fortunately I've chosen a profession that doesn't require an amazing GPA.

Finding a summer job/temporary job is the biggest struggle for now. I've sort of tried looking. I get frustrated easily when I feel rejected by someone or something. All I want to do is get a simple job working in an office. I've done it before. I feel like I'm qualified to answer phones, do paperwork, use a computer and interact with people. I can dress professionally if I have to. I'm on time. I'm not totally crazy. I probably need to dress in a nice outfit, strut into an office, smile a lot and talk to someone in person. Eh.

Then there's the real job. I was told by a reporter last week that I need to treat getting this job like it's a job. Some reporters are really discouraging. Maybe not exactly discouraging, but they make it seem so difficult just to get hired anywhere. I mean, apparently once you break in, it's okay. But he was saying I need to drive to all these cities in Texas and hand deliver my resume tape to each director. (But, OMG, I have such a phobia of news directors. And for a good reason!) Another reporter told me she only got two Christmases off in the eight years she's been working. How am I ever supposed to see my family again? I hope everyone is trying to be a little dramatic. Today I was out with a photog and I was telling him about how nervous I am and he said he thought I was one of two interns this semester that really has potential. He was saying I could go as far as I want. I honestly thanked him because I feel like it's so rare to hear that from anyone. Everyone wants to tell you how horrible it is. People in broadcast news seem to have such a love/hate relationship with their profession. I can understand it though. Later tonight an important person at the station told me I was the "prettiest intern". :) It's goofy, but sometimes compliments from certain people can make you feel better, even if they're just about looks. But even looks are important in this business...

I need to spend the next couple of weeks getting more excited about graduating. As scared as I am to deal with the job world, I should be really grateful that I'm getting two degrees. (Well, the second one in August.) It's pretty lucky that I was able to double major in four years, and have time to study abroad. And to find the scholarships to pay for more than half of it. And to have parents that were involved and supportive.

Besides all of the worrying I do about school/graduation/job/future...I've still found time to have fun. This has been the semester of work hard, play hard. For the first time in a long time I've had whole weekends off. Of course I'm not sitting around all weekend, though I'm also not doing highly important things. But I feel like I've just been able to get out and enjoy the city more. Just in the past couple of weekends I've been to concerts downtown, dancing downtown, played baseball in the park, tried at least two new restaurants, played pool with friends, been to a festival, walked around in a creek, thrown a boomerang. And I've eaten a lot of shaved ice. I'm really grateful I have the time to do stuff like this. I'm also grateful to know a fun person who likes to do stuff with me.

It's good.

As for the stressful weekday stuff, "It'll all come out in the wash."

I hope.

What's been going on upstairs.

It's been busy over here. I've got the last school works ever to do, jobs to find, funs to have, a resume tape to create and some graduating to do pretty soon.

One ear is hearing "Pomp and Circumstance" the other is hearing radio static. I'm about half ready.

The way I thought about graduation has changed drastically since I was a freshman. I was already eager to get out the first day I set foot on campus. I never wanted to go to UT. My goal since high school? Leave Texas ASAP. My parents told UT I would attend in Fall 2004. Then they told me I was going. Obviously my "abandon Texas" idea had failed.

I'd always assumed I would move away after graduation. Never really questioned it. I don't necessarily hate Texas. Especially not the way I hated it when my family moved here when I was in 4th grade. The kids were weird and Reed Elementary seemed mediocre compared to Steeple Run Elementary. And the heat! Coming from a Chicago climate made Texas summers so much worse. I literally thought we'd moved to hell. But, after more than ten years I've realized that I like how the people in Texas are weird and that while the summer heat is bad, this body has finally accepted it. Texas has a place somewhere in my heart, even if it's the smallest dark corner in the very back. However, if it occupied a more prominent place, I'd probably still feel the need to leave. It's in my nature to be independent. Change is something to be embraced, but more than ever I wish I could stay here a little longer.

I came to college feeling so mature and independent. In many ways I was. I was convinced I'd grown out of high school at least a year before I graduated. I wanted to create my own little life for myself without worrying about daily obligations to anyone else. And it worked out. I was happier after I moved to college because I was living in my own little world..and still am. However a slew of problems toward the end of freshman year through the middle of junior year left me feeling emotionally stranded. The problems I never had to deal with in high school suddenly started popping up uncontrollably. In retrospect, I felt like I handled it well enough. I had a horrible roommate in the dorms, my parents got divorced, my four-year long distance relationship ended, my amazing and fabulous grandma died, I was in a car wreck and I started to seriously doubt my major. They were all new, scary problems. I'd never dealt with death and divorce and undeserved hate and falling out of love. Fortunately, I had a few solid friends, music to listen to, a relatively busy life and some goals. It's weird because I feel like I started college confident but depressed inside and now I've ended up much less confident but generally happy. It doesn't sound like it makes any sense. The days were sad and the future seemed happy. Now, the days seem happy and the future seems sad. That's why I feel like I haven't necessarily grown out of college.

The real world could be scary.
I am scared no one will hire me.
I'm scared I won't make enough money to live. (It CAN be that bad for entry-level journalists.)
I'm scared of living in a small town.
I'm scared I won't make friends or meet anyone.
I'm scared I won't even get a break to come visit anyone.

It's a lofty goal of mine to embrace what homework-free time I might soon have. Maybe start volunteering again, do more yoga and read more books. I want to think of the postive things I am going to do for myself. Planning, scheming, organizing, preparing--it's my mind's default function. In terms of my career I'm getting ready. Emotionally, I'll be a total wreck when moving day rolls around. It will hurt to move so far from my family in Houston. It will hurt to leave the friends I have made and maintained at UT. It will hurt to leave others who have suddenly become such a necessary part my life. I wish I could just treat the situation like ripping off a band-aid, but I know that I'll keep missing and thinking of people who aren't so easily in my life.

The months before I left for college I was CONSTANTLY worrying about leaving my friends, family and boyfriend. It was a miserable period of time. I refuse to act like that again. When I finally moved, I treated each goodbye as if it were the last. Even though it definitely wasn't. And while I lost some relationships as a result of distance, the important ones are still going strong. I may not see certain people as much as I'd like, but when I do it's like nothing has changed. It gives me some hope that the important relationships I have now will somehow survive or at least not be totally lost with so many miles of separation.

I hate trying to decide between the importance of my own career versus the people in my life. I'm passionate enough about success in this particular career to leave everything go and somewhere else for it. Sometimes I worry I'll be a failure and have tons of regrets. My "Plan A" is a stricly defined path toward a particular goal I've had since I was 15. My "Plan B" is to live out my wildest dreams. Without a plan, I have absolutely no limitations. So if journalism fails perhaps I'll just go back to Barcelona and see which way the wind blows.

I feel like this is such a decisive time in my life. What I do or where I go right now could determine a lot of things. For the next ten years I hope to be in a state of flux, at least geographically. I'm old enough to know I'd like some consistency in my career path, social life and perhaps romantic life. But I can't have it all right away. For now I have to deal with whatever is coming, good or bad, easy or hard.

The least I can hope for is some excitement.