Derailed

It's been almost a month since I've written. It hasn't been because I forgot. I've just been uninspired.

Although I'm generally happy with my day to day life, I'm getting depressed, frustrated and worried about the future plans I do not have. I feel like I'm losing the desire to work and compete for the things I want. Maybe I've trapped myself in a way. I am still looking for a job in Austin. I stupidly limited myself to the type of work I wanted to do (admin) and am finding that I'm not even worthy to be a secretary. I feel like with two degrees I should have been able to find a job faster than I have and now I am doubting my value. Then I get worried that if I can't manage to get a job as a secretary, how will I ever get a reporting job. I am shooting myself in the foot because I am putting off other things until I get a job. For example, I could easily be sending out resume tapes and applying for reporting jobs, but I keep telling myself that finding a temporary job is more important because I need money to survive on right now. It could take months before I get hired as a reporter anywhere. Also, I really want to start doing yoga again and I feel like I can't start paying for the classes until I've secured a job. I want to plan a trip for the end of the summer, but I feel like I shouldn't allow myself that until I get a job. I feel so stuck and my stuckness just makes me more and more frustrated. There are leads for my temporary job idea. I've been on interviews, sent my resume dozens of places, but it's not good enough. I even know what I'm doing wrong and I can't change it and accept it because I keep making excuses. I don't feel like myself in terms of my competitiveness, drive and abilities. I think graduating from college is supposed to make you want to take on the world and make you feel so strong and confident. I don't feel like that at all. I feel more stupid, weak and unsure. I waited so long for this time in my life and now I don't feel like I can do anything right and that I might let myself fail.

At least I have a good grip on my day to day life. Obviously, I have nothing else to do. I guess I am trying to prepare everything as much as I can for when I have a job and less time to organize my own life. Today I got Leopard on my computer. After many failed attempts, my computer hero was able to figure out a way to make my computer accept it. It's fun to play with all the new features and my geeky self looks forward to customizing it more. I am also taking an online class at the community college here to finish off my Spanish degree at UT. I'm learning all about physical anthropology, though I wish cultural anthropology could also count for the stupidly specific course I need for UT science credit. I'm having to relearn a bunch of stuff about evolution and genetics. Luckily it'll all be over in a month and I'll have my second degree.

It's past 4AM and I wish I were more tired. My lack of work has turned me into a nocturnal creature. I can't sleep earlier than 4-5AM and I can't seem to wake up before noon. I am living in the "Haunted Mansion" (as my roommates called it) for a week by myself, though I am not always alone. My roommates moved away for summer jobs. Fortunately the girlfriend of my ex-roommate is moving in later this week. She was also going to be alone in a house for the summer, so we're joining forces.

I feel like I could easily erase what I've written, but I've already done that a few times and have consequently not posted for a month. Hopefully I'll start writing more once I get on track.