Gender Themes

Last night, almost right after I published my scattered entry, I read something that interested me. It's not astonishing or even surprising information, but I read with a thoughtful mind. It's from this book I'm reading about Greek life at universities. I read a book about sororities a few years ago (Pledged by Alexandra Robbins) that was written by a journalist who went undercover and "revealed" a lot of things that upset sorority girls. She was harshly criticized by the Greek world following her expose. Anyway, the guy that wrote this book (Inside Greek U. by Alan DeSantis) is much less critical. He was in a frat himself and currently works with them at the university where he is a professor. DeSantis did his research differently, mostly by focus groups and talking to students he knew. Both were/are interesting to me because I cannot understand the mentality of the people that join these groups. Also, the overall secrecy of the organizations can be appealing to a curious person. But I digress.

DeSantis sets up most of the book by talking about gender and how gender roles are so strict within the Greek community. He gives each gender five "themes" which are the opposite of the other five gender themes. It's not to say that women and men are expected to act how their gender theme dictates...especially not in this day and age. However, adherence to these gender themes is much more prevalent for men and women in fraternities and sororities.

The feminine themes are:

-Monogamy and Virginity: not trashy or a whore, only has sex with someone she is deeply, emotionally connected to

-Nurturing and Caring: women are caregivers and nurturers, whether they are tending to children, boyfriends or sorority sisters, they worry about the people they love

-Petite Physical Type: women should be petite and thin, usually have an unhealthy relationship with food, being too muscular, overweight or large is a serious flaw

-Relational Interdependence: to be fulfilled women need other people in their life to complete them, being a mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc...

-Domestic Orientation: a woman may work at home or not, but she should always prioritize her domestic sphere, many women interviewed for the book considered their major to be a "safety net" in case they actually had to get a job

I can partially relate to some of these themes. I don't believe in virginity until marriage because I don't think a ceremony and some vows dictates whether you're ready to have sex with someone. I do believe in having some kind of emotional attachment to the person you have sex with. It's too subjective to define what "deep" might mean. Personally, I am monogamous, maybe even biologically monogamous. However, I don't think that it's morally wrong to have multiple partners as long as you're safe about it. Whether you openly discuss your sexual escapades may determine whether you are labeled a "slut" or a "whore" by people, but not always. I don't think it's fair that woman are labeled in a such a way for acting the way so many men do, but I think they need to understand that it's going to happen regardless and make their decisions accordingly.

I understand worrying about people I love more than being nurturing. I think my way of showing affection and care for people isn't totally blatant and probably misinterpreted a lot. The feelings exist. When I do something nice for a person I care about I get such a wonderful feeling. It's almost exciting...maybe because I don't do it enough. Anyway, for me it's just the trouble of expressing these feelings. I mostly worry about the well-being of people I love and don't proactively try to nurture them. I think most women are nurturers though, in some form or another; it seems biological.

My physical type is average. It's always been that way, and hopefully stays that way. If I were to gain a lot of weight I would definitely have to lose it. I can't say that I understand being "muscular, overweight, or large" right now, but I think it'd be awful in the society we live in. I know I have a decently healthy body and even I feel some pressure to look better. I think we're taught never to be satisfied with ourselves physically, whether we're in a sorority or not. It would take a such a strong woman to totally love her body. Sometimes I worry about the pressure I might face in the future if I pursue a career in broadcasting. I don't think it would be terrible, but I'd probably become a lot more conscious of what I eat and how my body looks. I can't imagine how bad it must be in a sorority.

Relational interdependence is something I cannot relate to, almost at all. I've never felt completed by anyone, nor do I expect to. To me, relational interdependence seems very dangerous. Perhaps I've never allowed myself these feelings, but I typically view most relationships as temporary. Rather, the connectedness is temporary. I don't doubt I can "know" someone for ages, but I'm not sure that my dependence on them would always be a permanent thing. I don't want to depend on anyone because what happens if they abruptly leave? It's probably my lame form of emotional protection. I feel a permanent interdependence with my immediate family. I think I've moved too many times and been separated from people I care about too many times to cling to this idea without it scaring me.

Finally, domestic orientation...LOL. Right now I don't want a family, so at least there wouldn't be any extra people to take care of. Even if I did want a family, I'd expect the father to be as equally domestically oriented as me. For a man to expect the woman to take care of the house and kids by default is wrong. I do care about having a nice place to live. I like to clean. Sometimes I like to cook, eh. But I would never do it because I was expected to. I think we should be past the idea of domestic goddesses. I hope to find a domestic god somewhere, or at least a guy that can cook.

To be fair, I can give the opposing male gender themes. As if they weren't already obvious.

-Heterosexual Promiscuity: having as much sex with as many women as possible increases a man's rank and prestige

-Toughness and Assertiveness: no real man takes shit from anyone, fighting is tolerated and encouraged

-Imposing Physical Type: big muscles=guys fear you and chicks dig you

-Relational Independence: real men are self-reliant, they don't need anyone to accomplish tasks, manage their emotions or be complete

-Professional Orientation: men should be successful in the public or business realm

The described man might be my worst nightmare.