Cola, Cherry, Grape, Rootbeer and Orange

I'm eating Bottle Caps. WTF? It seems mildly embarrassing that I actually bought some. They're not as good as I remember from every Halloween of my childhood. I think because they came in little packs of three, like Sweet Tarts, and since you only ate three at a time you never realized how truly gross they were. I've been duped. So now I'm stuck eating these disgusting soda flavored pieces of sugar while I therapy myself after an especially unkind day.

I feel so unsettled. Deep in my rotten heart and physically. I wore a semi-transparent skirt today, which warranted a slip, but I can't wear the slip because the static problem becomes ridiculous to the point where the slip is totally up around my waist. It's really dumb. So instead I wore some tight black shorts under my skirt. Let me emphasize tight. Let me emphasize that I was sitting around all day. I want nothing more than to rip these stupid suffocation shorts off. It's time for some pajamas without waist limits. I'm wearing a dress tomorrow. These tight shorts might have to find themselves in the trash can. Or I could try to lessen my waistline. However, the former is much easier.

I had another bad day at my internship, but it's not really causing me to rethink my whole life anymore. I have a story due on Thursday for my internship and like a good, responsible intern I had already shot a story (with a stand up) the week before. Today I came in ready to take charge, edit my story and be done with it. Immediately after getting in I realize my disk is gone. The disk I labeled SAVE for a particular reason. Everyone is searching for it and it's just gone. The photographer who shot it is had the day off. I am left with nothing. I try to go out on another story but the other intern had already asked to go. I didn't do anything today. In situations like these sometimes I can find work for myself, but today I chose to have a bad day. It's my fault in that regard. I was so frustrated I didn't want to work anymore. I took care of my own personal business and sat on my can for more than seven hours. I got some homework done, planned some stuff for Spring Break, read all the news ever and searched all kinds of random things on Wikipedia. Including Facebook. It's a very interesting entry if you care to look. Right before I left one of the reporters asked me if I ever found the disk. "Nope." She went outside to smoke a cigarette as I was leaving for my car. I talked to her for a few minutes and she said it happens all the time that interns' things are lost. She actually made me feel a little bit better.

It's windy night because there's a cold front coming. Today there was record heat in Austin. More than 90 degrees in February. I don't mind because I'm still thawing after so many months of European cold and then Texas cold. I'm ready to take my winter coats back to Houston this weekend. My house makes scary sounds in these winds.

It'll be okay though.

These Days

I seem to have gotten into the routine of life. This Monday will be similar to last Monday and the Monday before last. It can be enjoyable in its own way. I feel like I'm equally comfortable with routine and spontaneity.

Shortly after I wrote my weepy, lame entry last week I discovered that one of my hamsters had killed the other one. My thoughts of the future were put on hold while I screamed into the phone to have Andrew come take care of the little carcass. I have lost interest in the one that's still alive because I know it's a killer. Sometimes I forget that even cute things are actually ferocious animals still. I think I am done with pets for awhile after this. This is just proof that gerbils are way better than hamsters.

I had a fairly decent week at my internship, which cleared up some of my career-related troubles. Monday was busy. Thursday was disappointing but okay anyway. I had asked to go to the Texas Democratic Party's watch party and was given approval, but they started requiring press credentials at the last minute and I didn't have one. Instead I went to a watch party at the Alamo Drafthouse. It was fun to watch the debate on a movie screen...and I got a stand up out of it. I decided after that debate that I don't think I can support Hillary. Although I am very interested in politics, I don't feel right talking about my personal opinions very much. I am too used to attending political events as an observer. Not ever cheering or clapping. Actually, I went to the Obama rally yesterday night, as a supporter I suppose, but I felt unable to be visually supportive. He has my vote, but I don't think I'll tell the whole world about it.

These next couple of weeks are going to be tough, leading up to my last Spring Break. I suddenly realized I have something due every day of the last week before the break. Plus, I am interning two days in a row and one of those days is because of the Texas Primaries. I'll handle it though; I've dealt with worse weeks. I have planned to go to San Diego with Andrew for Spring Break this year. We have friends there. I want to go to see friends, but also to see California. The only cities in the west I've ever seen are El Paso, Moab and Seattle. Kind of Albuquerque, too. We want to drive, but I told my mom about our great idea and she's upset I'm driving my car all the way there. I can't imagine my dad is going to be much happier about it. "A terrible idea" are the exact words from my mom. I don't understand the point of having a car if you can't take it on a trip. I think I may have to defy my parents for once in my life.

I am still waiting (not on the edge of my seat) to hear back about the NYC internship. I was supposed to find out by yesterday, but instead I got an email saying I'll know by Tuesday. I'm not expecting anything.

The weather here is finally lovely and I'm kicking myself for not spending more time in it.

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These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I need to go to charm school.

I'm feeling tormented. I don't want this blog to turn into my worried rants about the future. Part of me doesn't want to worry too much about what's not happening now, but another part of me can't help but think that in five months I have to figure out the next part of my life. "Figure something out" basically = find a job. I feel like everyone else in my major is progressing along so well and I'm quickly losing my desire to compete. A job isn't going to fall into my lap. If I want a job in broadcast, I need to do it immediately after graduation, otherwise I don't think I'll ever get back into it. I'm lacking something I felt like I had before I started interning. Probably my confidence. I think there is a certain way to connect with people that I just don't seem to possess. My dad used to jokingly tell me I needed to go to charm school...maybe he was right. Does such a thing exist? After more than 15 years of school I've learned to be a good student, but I haven't been had many jobs in the "real world". I don't have practice interacting with people in that capacity. I'm tired of thinking about this dumb problem. I just want to do something where I feel socially relaxed. My stomach is in knots.

These types of entries are so lifeless. Hopefully I will look back on them and laugh because I thought I was so confused.

Toothpaste, Dems and <3s

I've been walking around with toothpaste in my hair all day. I feel like some sort of slob. It somehow attached this morning and I thought I got it out before I left home, though I have realized toothpaste would make a really good hairspray/wax/pomade type product.

Anyway, UT students are still in a tizzy because Hillary and Obama are going to debate on campus next week at the Rec Center. How lovely it's going to be for them to talk about the issues facing our country while inhaling fumes of body odor and tennis shoes. Only kidding...I'm sure UT will have everything spotless and perfect for their visit. The debate's being hosted by the UDems, CNN and Univision. It's private so most people won't be able to go unless they're important Austin elected officials or something. The Dems are holding a watch party but tickets are $50. As I mentioned, I will be interning. I am trying to pull some strings so I can at least cover the debate. I don't even know how difficult it's going to be for the stations to get press creds. I'm thinking that even if the stations are allowed at the debate it'll be some rule like only one reporter/photojournalist per station. Maybe I can appeal to someone at a higher level and convince them to let an intern come along.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. My mom and dad both sent me stuff in the mail, which I noticed when I came home this morning. My mom sent candy and a card and gift certificate to Chick-fil-A. Score! :) Except I found out today that it doesn't work at the location on campus. Oh well, free chicken from another location is still fantastic. My dad also sent a card and my voter registration information stuff. At the bottom of his Valentine's Day note he wrote, "Don't be a joker, go vote!" I feel a slight guilt for not sending my family cards this year, but I'm sure they'll live. I think I'll call instead. My dad isn't even in the country. Apart from my family Valentines I can be happy that I also have a Valentine here in Austin. I think 2008 can be a happy Valentine's year. 2006 was the worst ever and 2007 was just lacking anything real.

For now I have to continue my loads of school work while I run my hands through my toothpasted hair.

Thought extremist.

Today I had an especially awful day at my internship. I hate when bad things happen because every time I immediately want to quit this career. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's really bad. I don't know what I should do anymore. More and more I am toying with the idea of applying for other types of jobs after graduation. I want to at least try getting a broadcast job since that's what I've gone to school for, but most days I can't help but think I'm not really cut out for it. Why was I so sure of everything up until the last semester of college? I feel like broadcast journalism is like a long-term relationship I'm too scared to get out of. I've devoted so much time and effort to this, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it didn't work out. Sometimes I feel like I wasted time being too focused. I don't feel like I have much room to make mistakes right now.

And all of this...all of this crazy worried talk, all because I had one bad day. I'm awfulizing too much. Today there was one reporter available for me to go out with. I asked her if I could go out with her and she happily agreed and said she'd let me know when she was leaving. I was trying to keep an eye on her. Eventually I noticed she'd walked away and wasn't coming back. I realized she actually left without me. I was so stuck. It wasn't even 5PM and I had no way to leave the newsroom. The whole day (2PM-10PM) all I did was write a couple of stories for the show. I spent almost eight hours sitting around. I don't know what I should have done differently. I know I need to be aggressive, but I did ask to go. Am I supposed to follow the reporter around asking her if she's leaving every time she gets up from her desk? I can't seem to understand the borderline between being aggressive and being obnoxious. Either way, I did something wrong tonight and suffered terribly for hours and hours and more hours.

I want to move to NYC. I'm sure I can find some sort of of job there. On the way home in the car I briefly thought about grad school. Maybe work somewhere for a year and pick another major and go back to school. I don't know. I don't know anything.

The most exciting news of the day was that Obama and Hillary are going to debate on the UT Campus in about a week and a half. I want to go SO bad. I realized I'm supposed to be interning that night, so I might try to go out on that story if I can't manage to get tickets on my own.

This weekend was okay. I wasn't sick anymore, which was good. I saw "There Will Be Blood" on Friday. It reminded me a lot of something my dad would like. The main character actually reminds me a little of my dad before he (the main character) goes crazy and gets really mean. I can completely see why the movie's worthy of an Oscar, or why Daniel Day Lewis is worthy of an Oscar. It's a strong movie with themes that are so universal regardless of time or place.

Um...deviating from whatever I was going to write about...there is totally something crawling around in the ceiling. I don't like it.

Sunday night The Shrieks played in a Battle of the Bands, which turned out to be some kind of scam. I felt really angry when I learned the scam technique. Of course because it's my friends getting scammed, but also because scams just SUCK. I hate when they prey on people who really shouldn't be preyed on...or like, take advantage of people psychologically. On the plus side, The Shrieks sort of won the contest, which is great, except because of the scam they have to play another show to ACTUALLY win.

After the show I went out for a little while and ended up at a bar with Andrew and Nick. I finally smoked a cigarette. I've been known for having never taken a puff. More recently, though, I started realizing that I don't have much of a problem with cigarette smoking. It's not something I'd want to be exposed to frequently, but it doesn't bother me the way it once did. I think being around all the smokers in Europe changed me a little bit. Anyway, it was about as I imagined. Not completely awful, but no real reason to continue. People can smoke their lungs out, but I still want to preserve my own.

wheezing woman weekend

I just observed Herpetron desperately trying to spoon with Cupid. It was one of the cutest things of my life. Then Herpetron started falling asleep on her back with her feet up in the air. It's adorable because they're so tiny. I think this is one of the reason I like having small pets. Even when I have a long tiring day and I'm feeling sick I can come home and watch the hamsters being cute. It's a simple happiness.

A less cute story...I have been nastily sick this weekend. I don't think I've had such a fever in awhile. It started out Saturday morning as a general overheating. Saturday during the day I was having hot flashes, or maybe more like feverish heatstrokes. Last night the fever had reduced but I woke up a bunch of times sweating profusely. My body aches in a crippling way without the Sudafed. I sound like I've been smoking since I was 11 and my throat feels like a raw, bloody pulp.

Despite the ailments my weekend was decent. I went to a party, had people over for dinner, went to Fiesta twice in one day and played some pool. Fiesta fascinates me in terms of what it offers. I like their international section, but I rarely buy anything from there since I am still trying to master simple American college student cooking. I leave international cooking to restaurants and skilled friends.

Today I interned. I felt a wave of panic when I first walked in because everyone was busy and there was nowhere to sit and I was just standing around in the busy newsroom. It's a terrible awkward feeling. It's how I used to feel almost everyday at Fox even when I was sitting down. However, at KXAN I have more confidence so I found a seat, waited for story assignments and asked to go out with a reporter. I like the reporter I went out with today because she gives me stuff to do. She gives me advice and doesn't let me sit around idle. Not that I ever want to anyway. She throws me into situations that can be challenging. We went to a meeting at City Hall. It wasn't always the most interesting information, but there were a lot of good story ideas. I like when I can see interviews I did or things I wrote on the 10PM show.

When I got back I had to start editing my own package that's due Friday. This was where the real challenge would lie, since most news stations edit with Avid...a complicated PC editing program. It seems so much different than Final Cut Pro, which is what I learned at school. I used Avid a little bit over the summer, but always hated it with a passion. I asked one of the photogs for help and he agreed right away. He didn't make me wait, he didn't tease me, he didn't treat me like I was stupid, he just helped me. Today I got more comfortable asking for help, which seems so simple, but it's not really. Over the summer I felt like anyone that I asked for anything...they'd just ignore me or harass me or make me wait and forget about me or they'd help halfway. It felt like such a struggle to get anything done. And I guess they probably thought I deserved it. I think it's true that when you don't feel like anyone believes in you, you usually fail. I felt so unsupported. KXAN is tough and blunt, but also kind and friendly if you give even a little effort. Thursday I really have to dominate Avid because today I just ingested video, the easy part. I think I'll make it through.

Tomorrow is Super/Fat Tuesday. It's also my final step toward the NYC internship. I have a phone interview. Last year I spent hours preparing and trying to imagine what they might ask. Only to be rejected in the end. This year I'll prepare a little bit, but mostly try to wing it. I want to seem natural. I feel more qualified and confident this year. I know staying in Austin for the summer wouldn't be a bad thing anyway. It is what it is.

The past few days I have particularly enjoyed the contrast between Thom Yorke's "The Clock" from The Eraser and Bob Dylan's "Talkin' New York" from Bob Dylan. Electronic beats and a hillbilly guitar. Delicioso to mine ears.

Ears hear, hair is near.

***OFFICIAL: I have accepted my grayness at the tender age of 22. They're coming in faster and stronger than ever. I almost like it. I guess it's weird enough.