gene rally

I miss Spain right now. I don't know what else to say except that I need to go back. Whenever I start looking at pictures from Europe I feel so happy. Everyone said studying abroad would be "such an amazing experience" blah blah blah, but it really was for me. Every specific trip, every person, every taste, smell and feeling are so pronounced in my mind. It's like amplified memories. It's not that I even try to compare one place versus the other because it's unfair. Spain and Texas are too different. I just remember what I had and how it was and I know I'll never have it again. Even if I were to return to Barcelona for a trip, I'd just be another visitor. I want to live there. I liked Europe because it was challenging to me. Living here mostly seems routine. I understand most things. I guess it's more convenient for the type of life I have right now.

Anyway. I'm trying to do the best I can for myself. I was accepted to the final round for the NYC internship this summer. If I can live in NYC for a couple of months it'll at least be closer to what I had in Europe. I just want to live somewhere huge and overwhelming. I want to be another body moving along on the streets. I want to live in a tiny space where I can hear the city around me. I don't want to need a car. I want to dance at clubs with good music and late hours. I want to live in a city that people write books and songs about. I want a two month taste of NYC. I'll know within the next month whether I'm going.

Of course Austin still has its perks. It's comfortable and stable here. I am starting to like where I live more now that it's not freezing every night. I have a pretty view from the windows next to my bed. I like driving around in my neighborhood. There are so many trees and cute houses. I feel more like a grown-up. There's not a rowdy frat house outside my bedroom window anymore. Although I still get my dosage of those idiots since I still frequent my old apartment complex and can hear their antics outside. I have once again found some type of stability in my personal life. It had been a productive couple of years of dating. I met some interesting people and learned some lessons. I still have no idea what I want since there's been such a variety. However, I know I'm happy with what I have now. It feels easy and normal, but it's still really fun and exciting. The end of my old relationship became so agonizing and intense at times I think I totally wanted to reject them for awhile. Then my pseudo-relationship last year became so illegitimate and confusing I got aggravated that I didn't seem worthy enough of someone's commitment. Then finally something normal happened, but not something so normal that I'm left bored.