WTF is it supposed to mean when I crack open my fortune cookie and there's nothing in there? I wish there had been one in there to tell me what to do with the next five years of my life.
What were once romantic life scenarios floating around in my head have become more of a reality. It's difficult for me because I'm really unsure about what I'm doing.
Basically I pursued broadcast journalism like a madwoman most of the time I was in college. I had some doubts along the way, but talked myself out of them. I really did like what I was studying. Then I studied abroad and things got kind of muddled in my mind. I guess I just realized how many opportunities there were in the world to do all kinds of things. And I realized how much I loved being in another country and visiting other countries and learning about other parts of the world. After I got back from Spain I suppose I felt kind of restricted in the path I created for myself. There's a lot I want to do. It's SO HARD for me to start to let go of a dream I've pursued since I was 15. I came so close and even interviewed for that job in Waco. But now I sit back and think about what I've done since I graduated and I've been really unmotivated about sending out tapes. I want to be clear: I am not rejecting journalism in any way. It's still what I plan to pursue in life. However, I don't think I can follow the route I am "supposed to" and be happy. I don't want to spend most of my twenties in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I've been in small towns, quite honestly, I'm not interested. I wrote an email to my host mom in Spain and found myself describing the pursuit of broadcast journalism as an "obligación". Meanwhile I had these other ideas that I was much more excited about, and I think I'd rather focus on those for now.
So, my revised plan...this fall I am applying to two programs. One is a fellowship program with NPR. Only three people are chosen each year, but I really respect NPR and am willing to spend a lot of time working on the application. Second is the JET program, where you go teach English in Japan. Also competitive. Both last a year. I would be completely blown away if I was accepted to either program. I am actually excited to apply for both things!
If neither program accepts me I am going to try to go teach English in South America. I plan to get a certification in early 2009 to teach English as a foreign language. Maybe go off to Argentina/Chile/??? some time in the summer of 2009? It's too up in the air to really know right now. All I know is that I want to live abroad again. I am desperate to finish learning Spanish. There are things I could do to help myself here, right now, but I want to be immersed again. It's too hard trying to learn another language when you're hearing English all the time.
Part of me feels like I've gotten WAY off track, especially since I put so much time and effort into studying a very specific thing. But I know what I'm excited about in my heart. Quite honestly, I wish there was a way I could do broadcasting when I come back from whatever I'm doing, but I worry my resume tape's going to be too old and my employers would wonder why I ran off to another country after dedicating myself so much to one thing. But this is the time to do it, right? I have a little money saved, I'm not married, I don't have kids, my parents and sister are healthy, I just got two degrees and have a job I can leave without causing too much trouble. This is when I need to take some risks, right? I worry about hindering my career, but I feel such a sense of urgency about doing what I feel passionate about right now. I didn't feel any passion for small towns and cranky news directors. Facing my true feelings has me all tied up in knots. If anyone has any advice...don't hesitate.
Another true feeling that I've been facing on a daily basis? THAT I HATE DRIVING AND COOKING. Someone please hire me a chauffeur and a chef because I think I'm going to crash my car and starve.
There was some random goodness the other day when Ernesto (graphic designer friend in Boston) called me to say his boss wants to commission me to work on a cross-stitch for a book cover. Delightful! There's nothing better than getting large amounts of unexpected money for doing something I like. Plus my "work" would be a on a freaking book! OMG, cool. I'm such an artist now. :)
Finally, I am considering a new web site for this blog. I want to give it a permanent home and also expand the web site more or combine it with the other web site I had. It's in the works if I can figure out how the heck to make a web site.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Blushed Potatoes
I'm happy right now because I just bought NARS Orgasm blush and I'm eating mashed potatoes.
Looking around, there's still a lot more work to be done in this apartment. I thought I could have it all sealed up by last week before I went to Houston, but it didn't happen. I think it'll be at least Thursday before I finish in here. I'm a little angry because I signed up for internet because I thought the wireless network I was stealing from shut down. It was temporary and now I'm buying internet only for the security of having my own network. It's BS I have to pay $20 just so some guy will come "install" something I could do myself. I think.
I went to Houston this weekend. All was well. I got to visit my sister and BFFs in their house. Saturday I ate breakfast tacos. (All day.) Saturday night I saw Andrew's mom in a Neil Simon play called Broadway Bound. The theater and set were modest, but I thought the performers did well and I really liked the script. There were so many elderly people in the audience and it was hilarious to observe them. They laugh at different jokes. And fall asleep in the back row. Sunday I saw my dad and ate tons of his Italian food. Pasta, half of a sausage and a whole meatball. I was burping Italian food the rest of the afternoon and I loved it.
Today I went to yoga. It was too easy this time so I think I'm going to try to start attending more advanced classes. I am also considering Ansuara, which is a new type of yoga for me. My teacher told me it has more to do with headstands, forearm stands, back bends...basically inversions. I could definitely improve that way.
I am becoming increasingly undecided about my future. I think I want to try to teach English abroad now. If possible. Obviously I wouldn't do it forever, but if I could spend a few years in my 20s living in other countries I think I'd learn a lot and be really happy. I think I'd be an okay teacher. I have some experience...not formally teaching, but over the years I've had to teach people different skills. I should probably learn a lot more about it first. Then there's also the broadcast thing and the grad school thing. I only really know a lot about journalism jobs...the other two things are totally foreign to me. I don't know what I want right now. I change my mind almost every day, but I want to pick something and get on the right track so I don't waste time. I'd be happy doing any of the options, but I feel hesitant to diverge from doing what I majored in. I feel like I'm not meeting some sort of expectations.
It's just past 8:30PM and I feel like going to bed but I have other plans.
Looking around, there's still a lot more work to be done in this apartment. I thought I could have it all sealed up by last week before I went to Houston, but it didn't happen. I think it'll be at least Thursday before I finish in here. I'm a little angry because I signed up for internet because I thought the wireless network I was stealing from shut down. It was temporary and now I'm buying internet only for the security of having my own network. It's BS I have to pay $20 just so some guy will come "install" something I could do myself. I think.
I went to Houston this weekend. All was well. I got to visit my sister and BFFs in their house. Saturday I ate breakfast tacos. (All day.) Saturday night I saw Andrew's mom in a Neil Simon play called Broadway Bound. The theater and set were modest, but I thought the performers did well and I really liked the script. There were so many elderly people in the audience and it was hilarious to observe them. They laugh at different jokes. And fall asleep in the back row. Sunday I saw my dad and ate tons of his Italian food. Pasta, half of a sausage and a whole meatball. I was burping Italian food the rest of the afternoon and I loved it.
Today I went to yoga. It was too easy this time so I think I'm going to try to start attending more advanced classes. I am also considering Ansuara, which is a new type of yoga for me. My teacher told me it has more to do with headstands, forearm stands, back bends...basically inversions. I could definitely improve that way.
I am becoming increasingly undecided about my future. I think I want to try to teach English abroad now. If possible. Obviously I wouldn't do it forever, but if I could spend a few years in my 20s living in other countries I think I'd learn a lot and be really happy. I think I'd be an okay teacher. I have some experience...not formally teaching, but over the years I've had to teach people different skills. I should probably learn a lot more about it first. Then there's also the broadcast thing and the grad school thing. I only really know a lot about journalism jobs...the other two things are totally foreign to me. I don't know what I want right now. I change my mind almost every day, but I want to pick something and get on the right track so I don't waste time. I'd be happy doing any of the options, but I feel hesitant to diverge from doing what I majored in. I feel like I'm not meeting some sort of expectations.
It's just past 8:30PM and I feel like going to bed but I have other plans.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
More
In business not about the election, I have moved again. It was a particularly horrible time. Very hot. New place is on the third floor. Many little boxes and things. No moving truck. This apartment is tiny. It has problems. I won't complain about them until I know they are permanent and impossible to resolve. I feel like this is the kind of place that's going to have all kinds of weird things you have to do to it to make it function properly, like, "Oh, jiggle the key this way to get the door to lock." "Turn the hot water dial 3/8 clockwise or else the water will scald you." "Put this rug in front of the clacking vertical blinds or else they'll rattle all night while you're trying to sleep." BLAH. I wish I could just have stuff that worked right. I can already feel the rage starting to boil inside of me.
Today was good at work because I got 14 awards. To explain, the main part of my job is to call owners/developers/architects and find out which general contractor was awarded a particular construction project. It's not hard at all, but you have to deal with all kinds of people on the phone. Most of them don't want to talk to you and would never dream of calling you back. Most days I call about...hmmm...I actually have no idea...maybe 40-50 people. I usually get transferred to people who don't answer and I rarely leave a voicemail message. Another way I can get the information I need is by checking the city's building permits. Today I succeeded gloriously because I started calling the cities for permits. The big cities even have web sites. It's interesting the kind of detective work that can be done online to trace awards without having to deal with the nasty people that much. Of course, there are always some people on the phone or by email that are very nice and helpful. So 14 must be a record. I get around 10 on a good day.
Yesterday I bought groceries, including ice cream, which I have not done in awhile. Ben & Jerry's is the best brand at HEB, hands down. I almost got Half-Baked when I noticed a new flavor, Cinnamon Buns. I dismissed it because it sounded kinda weird to be an ice cream flavor, but then I picked up the box (?) and read the description. "Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough and a Caramel Cinnamon Struesel Swirl" It sounded tasty to me and I can usually trust B&J to be good, so I bought it. I didn't try it till about an hour ago. YUM! YUMYUMYUMYUM! I could only eat a little because it's too crazy. It definitely works for me. The cinnamon flavor is wonderful and the pieces of dough are just the right size, plus there are lots of them, so far. I can't wait until I can handle some more of that ice cream.
Finally, the very sad news. My mom called me yesterday in the late afternoon. As soon as she greeted me I knew something was wrong. There is a certain tone of voice that is unmistakable. I was trying not to imagine something too terrible. She uttered, "My mom..." and then broke up and was crying. I asked her, "What?" So very worried inside. I thought my other grandma died. My mom explained that her mom had just called to say that my uncle died. He'd had a heart attack suddenly and there were very few details. The autopsy happened today and I don't have an update yet. I'd only known my Uncle Robby as a child because we used to visit our family in Indiana a lot when we lived in Chicago. He had a wife, my Aunt Norma, and a daughter, my cousin Kendra. He is twin of my Uncle Ronnie who has a disability. He had been helping my grandma by taking care of him a lot of the time. My mom was especially upset because it's been almost a year, to the day, that her other brother, Dan, suddenly died. I got that news via email while I was in Italy with my dad. I had never even met my Uncle Dan before he died. My mom said my grandma is really upset that she's outlived two of her kids. They were both under 50. I don't know about the funeral. I want my mom to go and be with her family, but she's worried about her business. I'm glad she has Steve and my sister with her now and my grandma has Jim and her other sons/daughters/extended family to support her.
Today was good at work because I got 14 awards. To explain, the main part of my job is to call owners/developers/architects and find out which general contractor was awarded a particular construction project. It's not hard at all, but you have to deal with all kinds of people on the phone. Most of them don't want to talk to you and would never dream of calling you back. Most days I call about...hmmm...I actually have no idea...maybe 40-50 people. I usually get transferred to people who don't answer and I rarely leave a voicemail message. Another way I can get the information I need is by checking the city's building permits. Today I succeeded gloriously because I started calling the cities for permits. The big cities even have web sites. It's interesting the kind of detective work that can be done online to trace awards without having to deal with the nasty people that much. Of course, there are always some people on the phone or by email that are very nice and helpful. So 14 must be a record. I get around 10 on a good day.
Yesterday I bought groceries, including ice cream, which I have not done in awhile. Ben & Jerry's is the best brand at HEB, hands down. I almost got Half-Baked when I noticed a new flavor, Cinnamon Buns. I dismissed it because it sounded kinda weird to be an ice cream flavor, but then I picked up the box (?) and read the description. "Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough and a Caramel Cinnamon Struesel Swirl" It sounded tasty to me and I can usually trust B&J to be good, so I bought it. I didn't try it till about an hour ago. YUM! YUMYUMYUMYUM! I could only eat a little because it's too crazy. It definitely works for me. The cinnamon flavor is wonderful and the pieces of dough are just the right size, plus there are lots of them, so far. I can't wait until I can handle some more of that ice cream.
Finally, the very sad news. My mom called me yesterday in the late afternoon. As soon as she greeted me I knew something was wrong. There is a certain tone of voice that is unmistakable. I was trying not to imagine something too terrible. She uttered, "My mom..." and then broke up and was crying. I asked her, "What?" So very worried inside. I thought my other grandma died. My mom explained that her mom had just called to say that my uncle died. He'd had a heart attack suddenly and there were very few details. The autopsy happened today and I don't have an update yet. I'd only known my Uncle Robby as a child because we used to visit our family in Indiana a lot when we lived in Chicago. He had a wife, my Aunt Norma, and a daughter, my cousin Kendra. He is twin of my Uncle Ronnie who has a disability. He had been helping my grandma by taking care of him a lot of the time. My mom was especially upset because it's been almost a year, to the day, that her other brother, Dan, suddenly died. I got that news via email while I was in Italy with my dad. I had never even met my Uncle Dan before he died. My mom said my grandma is really upset that she's outlived two of her kids. They were both under 50. I don't know about the funeral. I want my mom to go and be with her family, but she's worried about her business. I'm glad she has Steve and my sister with her now and my grandma has Jim and her other sons/daughters/extended family to support her.
Palinator
I watched part of the Republican National Convention tonight because I am temporarily fascinated with Sarah Palin. It's the kind of fascination you have with a new person that seems important, but you don't know much about them. The political "It Girl" for right now. I found out about 45 minutes after McCain announced her as his running mate Friday and I looked at some pictures and read articles, but I'd never heard her talk or seen her on camera. As David Letterman remarked, she IS like a LensCrafters commercial. She actually spoke better than I expected and has the beginnings of some type of charisma. Maybe.
While I watched the end of Guiliani's speech and all of hers I made some notes. There were too many thoughts running through my mind. I'd wished I'd had someone to tell, but then I changed my mind because I probably would have been talking too much. My thoughts, literally:
-Cindy McCain (with bald spot above bangs) holding the new Palin baby to make good pictures.
-Guiliani says Palin fights corruption, but what about her trying to dismiss her sister's ex-husband's boss after he wouldn't fire the ex-husband for divorcing Palin's sister?
-The Republicans are looking so crazy. They keep showing the same weird people over and over--a blonde woman with big fake pink lips and a cowboy hat and a geeky looking girl with huge braces. Some old people. LOTS of people wearing feathers for some reason.
-Guiliani is being much more critical of Obama and the Dems. I watched Obama, Biden, Bill Clinton, Michelle Obama and no one was quite that scathing against the Republicans.
-When Palin walks out I feel like it's wrong that this is the first time I've heard her speak. She's too unknown to be running for VP. She should be more of a "name" in politics it seems. Though I later began to question myself when she started talking about the "Washington Elite". Still, it seems like being governor of Alaska and mayor of a tiny town isn't enough.
-I hope the people at the convention are the only people that will vote for her. Unfortunately I am wrong.
-Her son looks scared to death when she starts talking about him leaving to fight in Iraq in a week.
-I think it's really good she brought/acknowledged Bristol and the baby daddy. Trying to hide that whole scandal would be worse. WHOA for the fiancee. I wonder what's going through his head.
-Palin seems fake.
-Republicans chanting, "Drill Baby, Drill!"
-I do not understand why she plays up being a hockey mom so much. I get that she's trying to make herself seem on the same level as normal Americans or whatever, but honestly, I wouldn't want a hockey mom being the Vice-President of the United States.
-LOL at the little daughter licking her hand and slathering it all over the baby's hair.
-Okay, back to the "Washington Elite" thing. I guess it's good she's supposedly not a "corrupt politician" like all the big names in Washington, but I think she should have more experience than she does. Running Alaska is probably a really intense job, but it's not exactly the most populous, busy, important state. Oh yeah, it's close to Russia. :) I also just saw that she's barely traveled abroad. That's a problem. I need to read into this.
-This woman is in love with John McCain. We all understand that he was in a war and that means he's experienced with all kinds of situations. Get over it. It's important, but not something to build a whole campaign around.
And I love Brian Williams.
Regarding the Bristol thing, I agree that people should leave her daughter alone. It's a personal matter that she should deal with privately. However, Sarah Palin is running for VP right now with some VERY strong views about family planning. I think it's more than fair to judge Palin based on what's going on with her family. If she doesn't want to explain anything, that's fine but it may come with consequences.
Ultimately, I will NOT vote for Palin because I absolutely cannot support her views. It would make me very uncomfortable and discouraged if she were influencing the way our country was run. Furthermore, I would not be comfortable with her running the country if anything happened to McCain.
I am NOT a Democrat. I just believe in voting for the candidate that best fits me. Most often, there are only two presidential candidates, so it's not that hard to decide which one I am more aligned with.
Obama/Biden '08
While I watched the end of Guiliani's speech and all of hers I made some notes. There were too many thoughts running through my mind. I'd wished I'd had someone to tell, but then I changed my mind because I probably would have been talking too much. My thoughts, literally:
-Cindy McCain (with bald spot above bangs) holding the new Palin baby to make good pictures.
-Guiliani says Palin fights corruption, but what about her trying to dismiss her sister's ex-husband's boss after he wouldn't fire the ex-husband for divorcing Palin's sister?
-The Republicans are looking so crazy. They keep showing the same weird people over and over--a blonde woman with big fake pink lips and a cowboy hat and a geeky looking girl with huge braces. Some old people. LOTS of people wearing feathers for some reason.
-Guiliani is being much more critical of Obama and the Dems. I watched Obama, Biden, Bill Clinton, Michelle Obama and no one was quite that scathing against the Republicans.
-When Palin walks out I feel like it's wrong that this is the first time I've heard her speak. She's too unknown to be running for VP. She should be more of a "name" in politics it seems. Though I later began to question myself when she started talking about the "Washington Elite". Still, it seems like being governor of Alaska and mayor of a tiny town isn't enough.
-I hope the people at the convention are the only people that will vote for her. Unfortunately I am wrong.
-Her son looks scared to death when she starts talking about him leaving to fight in Iraq in a week.
-I think it's really good she brought/acknowledged Bristol and the baby daddy. Trying to hide that whole scandal would be worse. WHOA for the fiancee. I wonder what's going through his head.
-Palin seems fake.
-Republicans chanting, "Drill Baby, Drill!"
-I do not understand why she plays up being a hockey mom so much. I get that she's trying to make herself seem on the same level as normal Americans or whatever, but honestly, I wouldn't want a hockey mom being the Vice-President of the United States.
-LOL at the little daughter licking her hand and slathering it all over the baby's hair.
-Okay, back to the "Washington Elite" thing. I guess it's good she's supposedly not a "corrupt politician" like all the big names in Washington, but I think she should have more experience than she does. Running Alaska is probably a really intense job, but it's not exactly the most populous, busy, important state. Oh yeah, it's close to Russia. :) I also just saw that she's barely traveled abroad. That's a problem. I need to read into this.
-This woman is in love with John McCain. We all understand that he was in a war and that means he's experienced with all kinds of situations. Get over it. It's important, but not something to build a whole campaign around.
And I love Brian Williams.
Regarding the Bristol thing, I agree that people should leave her daughter alone. It's a personal matter that she should deal with privately. However, Sarah Palin is running for VP right now with some VERY strong views about family planning. I think it's more than fair to judge Palin based on what's going on with her family. If she doesn't want to explain anything, that's fine but it may come with consequences.
Ultimately, I will NOT vote for Palin because I absolutely cannot support her views. It would make me very uncomfortable and discouraged if she were influencing the way our country was run. Furthermore, I would not be comfortable with her running the country if anything happened to McCain.
I am NOT a Democrat. I just believe in voting for the candidate that best fits me. Most often, there are only two presidential candidates, so it's not that hard to decide which one I am more aligned with.
Obama/Biden '08
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