Disagreement with Dad and Geraldo Rivera

I just talked to both of my parents, one after the other. Our conversations remind me of how different they are.

Conversation with Mom: the awesome new pizza restaurant she went to with her boyfriend and my sister, recent movies, how our dog is getting better, my sister coming to Austin, me getting a job, me traveling to Waco, what I want to get my sister for her birthday, where I am going to live after July, when I'm coming home again, the grocery store

Conversation with Dad: me getting a job, me staying in Austin ("Where are you going to live?"), me not being aggressive enough, me not networking enough, me networking with people who are too young, health insurance, when I am coming home again, me getting a job, me getting a job, me getting a job, me NEEDING a job

Someone seems to think I'm failing.

My mom is pretty easy on me. She knows I worry a lot and try to work hard. However, my dad seems to pick up on (and pick at) my problems...maybe a little too much. It's true I'm not aggressive enough. Other things I will defend. I've got an ace up my sleeve. He doesn't know everything.

This past weekend was low key. I've been riding my bike around, swimming, sitting around outside. Friday night I tried to learn to drive a stick. Andrew was teaching me on his car. I started to get a hang of it after some coaching, but I am definitely not ready to be out on the roads. I can make the car move, stop the car and switch from first to second gear. Saturday we took a trip to the large Asian market in Austin. About 75% of the food there--I would have no idea what to do with it. I bought a couple of curry items and some Pocky. Sunday morning Andrew awoke with a rotten illness. I tried to help his condition with a ginger ale and ginger concoction. He suspects the dense Indian rice dish he cooked at 3AM. Luckily I didn't get the sickness, but I felt so bad for him I would've done almost anything to make it stop.

So...over the weekend this model apparently committed suicide by jumping off her NYC apartment building. Then Fox News aired footage of her dead body. Specifically on Geraldo's show. Because I'm sometimes morbid and wanted to see how bad what they showed was I found the video and watched it. It clearly shows the model's face with blood on it. Fox News says it was a "producer error". I kept that in mind when watching the video of Geraldo's show and find that VERY hard to believe. They showed the same *zooming* shot of this dead model with her face peeking out of a plastic cover more than FIVE times. That's no error. If it was shown once for a few seconds...maybe, but they definitely did it on purpose and I don't like that they lied. Personally, I don't think the video was really disturbing or anything. It wasn't especially gory. However, I think Fox News should not have put that on air because it's disrespectful. If I were her sister or cousin or friend, I wouldn't want people seeing her dead, bloody face on TV.

And on a happier note: I finished my summer school class today. I am OFFICIALLY done with school forever. And I can tell you a little bit about human evolution.

Take a chance on Waco.

So, I just burned a very painful part of my finger on the toaster. It's stinging like a mofo. My hands are also greasy but moisturized from sticking my fingers into a tub of wet mozzarella drenched in olive oil. This is what I'm doing on a Tuesday night. :)

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm going to WACO! I'm dropping off my resume tapes at the stations there in hopes of getting a job and possibly being able to stay close to Austin. Technically, only one of the stations is hiring, but it doesn't hurt to try. I am wondering if there's anything to do in Waco besides visit these TV stations. Is there a Dr. Pepper museum or something, isn't Dr. Pepper from Waco? I'm also worried about my fingernails. They're hot pink right now. Will that somehow give a bad impression? Hopefully a news director can handle hot pink nails without having a judgmental conniption. Maybe I'll trim them as a compromise. Besides worrying about my nails, I'm plain scared of talking to these people. Most people don't scare me too much, or even if they do I can hide it. I don't know about this. I'm scared one of the NDs is going to randomly scream at me.

I am also considering a job at KVUE, which is the top station in Austin. The hours are terrible and pay is low and it's not exactly the type of work I want to do (producing instead of reporting), but to actually have a job in the business in Austin would be amazing. I think I'm going to give up my weekends for this if I can obtain the job. It'll be rough, but hopefully worth it.

My bike is fixed up. We spent all weekend working on them. Andrew painted his dark green. Mine is bright red. Today I took a ride in Hyde Park (the neighborhood north of me). It was fabulous because there weren't too many hills. It was a peaceful ride.

Yesterday my mom told me one of our dogs is really sick. Today she took him to the vet and the enzyme levels in his liver are really messed up. They're going to give him medicine, but if it doesn't work they're going to have to biopsy part of his liver. It could be cancer. Poor Octane.

I want a vacation. All of this unemployment is making me crazy.

(+)

So while the previous post was more dismal...this one is supposed to be happier. Not everything is terrible. There are a few key things that have very recently been good. Let me explain:

-I got a bike yesterday. This offers me a less expensive mode of transport. For my weak-ish self, I probably won't ride much during the day. Austin's going through a stretch of record breaking heat, according to Jim Spencer on KXAN. Today I rode at about 5:30PM (still hot) with my laptop on my back. It was kinda difficult for me. Hopefully I will build my strength over time. However, I will not become a bike snob. I'm always complaining about them because they act like they own the roads over here. To me it's like this *humans:animals::cars:bikes*. I was going to explain this, but it's too much right now. Basically, we're more advanced than animals, so we rule. Cars are more advanced than bikes, so they rule. Anyway, as someone on a bike, I'll always give the car the space and the right. Because the car will always win the battle. The bike is fun. New adventures with the bike. And maybe a picture soon.

-I made egg salad yesterday. It's so delicious. I had a sandwich with egg salad on it a few weeks ago at Thundercould and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I had to try to make my own. It turned out so good. I can't stop eating egg salad sandwiches. Hopefully I'll get tired of them soon.

-I was at home over the weekend for Father's Day. My sister and I had to go shopping to get a present for my dad. While we were out my sister suggested shopping a little bit for ourselves and I agreed because I wanted a shirt to wear out that night. While we were looking my sister pulled out a dress from the rack at Express. She said it was cute and wanted me to try it on. It was on sale for $40, but then we looked at the tag at it was actually only $30. I saw the size "4". I can only consider that my size anymore if I'm lucky. I tried it on anyway and it fit perfectly! I hadn't been that excited about a clothes in so long. It's gray, very fitted and hits below the knee. AND...the clincher...I can put it in the washing machine.

Those are some of my happy things.

(-)

I like to have a plan.
Figure out how to make the plan work.
Carry out the plan.
Be happy.

Except this time it's not working. It's halfway through June and still unemployed. It's pretty much the only aggravation in my life, but a worthy one because I'm going to run out of dough. I've been to some interviews and never got hired. This is the most recent situation:

Two Fridays ago I had just gotten rejected from yet another job and was really bored and desperate. I was on Craigslist looking for admin jobs. I came across an ad to be a house cleaners. I was seriously wondering why I hadn't thought of it earlier. I love to clean! Obviously, I was delusional. This cleaning company was conducting interviews at 2PM sharp and it was 12:30PM. I got in the shower, got ready and went over there. I was hired right away. Everyone who I told seemed a little surprised. I called my grandpa for his birthday and he thought it was a joke when I told him. I started on Monday and cleaned bathrooms all day...something like ten toilets. On my hands and knees. I had pink cheeks, drips of sweat all over, sore feet and too many fumes in my system. I thought the first day might just be rough. They said it would get better. That night I talked to my mom and Andrew about it. Neither thought it was a good job. I considered quitting, but went back in the next day. It was even worse. We were cleaning big, beautiful houses and they weren't even that dirty, but I couldn't take it. The ladies training me were yelling me because I couldn't mop right. They were telling me two opposite things! I almost cried and told them to stop confusing me. They kept making me mop. I felt humiliated. Yes, maybe I suck at mopping but I graduated from college with two degrees. Should I really be mopping floors? Maybe the Austin job market IS that tough. We got back to the office and my "trainer" gave me my daily quiz over things like what types of products to use on what types of floor. She was reading a version of the quiz in Spanish because her English wasn't good enough. That was it. I left that day knowing I'd never go back. I love to clean my own house, but cleaning other people's messes for seven hours straight just isn't something I can do.

So even my desperate attempt at a job failed. The next day I got a call from a temp agency I'd applied to a few weeks before. They had a possible job for me. I interviewed for it yesterday. It's at a science consulting type place. I'd be a receptionist. However, after interviewing me they wanted to considering offering me a marketing assistant position. They kept telling me how boring the receptionist job would be and if I really wanted it. It seems like half the people don't think I'm qualified enough for a job and the other half think I'm too qualified. Also, no one will trust my lies that I won't leave after a few months. It is my intention to start looking for another job as soon as I acquire something temporary here in Austin. I'm such a bad liar. I think they're scared to hire me and I lied straight through my teeth. Maybe I'll get it if I was tricky and evil enough.

Today I did a one-day job for the temp agency at an educational software company. It was easy and pleasant. Just some filing, copying DVDs and packaging stuff. I'll make some money.

Overall I am doubting my plan. After the interview yesterday I don't know how I can get the type of job I want and not feel bad for lying and leaving before the end of the year. I think if I don't get this most recent receptionist job I'll just start looking for more temporary things where they won't care if I quit after a few months.

I also decided to start actively applying for journalism jobs. I can't wait to get a temporary job first. I want a reporting job right now. I've spent two months applying for jobs that I don't even consider permanent or interesting. I want to start trying my luck for a real job.

Enough gloom and doom. My (+) post coming soon.

Derailed

It's been almost a month since I've written. It hasn't been because I forgot. I've just been uninspired.

Although I'm generally happy with my day to day life, I'm getting depressed, frustrated and worried about the future plans I do not have. I feel like I'm losing the desire to work and compete for the things I want. Maybe I've trapped myself in a way. I am still looking for a job in Austin. I stupidly limited myself to the type of work I wanted to do (admin) and am finding that I'm not even worthy to be a secretary. I feel like with two degrees I should have been able to find a job faster than I have and now I am doubting my value. Then I get worried that if I can't manage to get a job as a secretary, how will I ever get a reporting job. I am shooting myself in the foot because I am putting off other things until I get a job. For example, I could easily be sending out resume tapes and applying for reporting jobs, but I keep telling myself that finding a temporary job is more important because I need money to survive on right now. It could take months before I get hired as a reporter anywhere. Also, I really want to start doing yoga again and I feel like I can't start paying for the classes until I've secured a job. I want to plan a trip for the end of the summer, but I feel like I shouldn't allow myself that until I get a job. I feel so stuck and my stuckness just makes me more and more frustrated. There are leads for my temporary job idea. I've been on interviews, sent my resume dozens of places, but it's not good enough. I even know what I'm doing wrong and I can't change it and accept it because I keep making excuses. I don't feel like myself in terms of my competitiveness, drive and abilities. I think graduating from college is supposed to make you want to take on the world and make you feel so strong and confident. I don't feel like that at all. I feel more stupid, weak and unsure. I waited so long for this time in my life and now I don't feel like I can do anything right and that I might let myself fail.

At least I have a good grip on my day to day life. Obviously, I have nothing else to do. I guess I am trying to prepare everything as much as I can for when I have a job and less time to organize my own life. Today I got Leopard on my computer. After many failed attempts, my computer hero was able to figure out a way to make my computer accept it. It's fun to play with all the new features and my geeky self looks forward to customizing it more. I am also taking an online class at the community college here to finish off my Spanish degree at UT. I'm learning all about physical anthropology, though I wish cultural anthropology could also count for the stupidly specific course I need for UT science credit. I'm having to relearn a bunch of stuff about evolution and genetics. Luckily it'll all be over in a month and I'll have my second degree.

It's past 4AM and I wish I were more tired. My lack of work has turned me into a nocturnal creature. I can't sleep earlier than 4-5AM and I can't seem to wake up before noon. I am living in the "Haunted Mansion" (as my roommates called it) for a week by myself, though I am not always alone. My roommates moved away for summer jobs. Fortunately the girlfriend of my ex-roommate is moving in later this week. She was also going to be alone in a house for the summer, so we're joining forces.

I feel like I could easily erase what I've written, but I've already done that a few times and have consequently not posted for a month. Hopefully I'll start writing more once I get on track.