LIVINGS

Moving?

2008-11-06T00:02:00.000-08:00

After 90 posts at this blog, I think I'm moving. I hope to eventually move all this blogspot business over to the new address, but we'll see.

For now:

www.melindamerola.com

It's not looking too sharp, but it's readable.

OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!

2008-11-04T18:32:00.000-08:00

UnMinded

2008-10-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure my bike was almost stolen. I'm still a little dumbfounded. Before I left for work this morning I glanced over to where the bikes are parked at my apartment complex. (I always take a glance because I am slightly phobic about my bike getting snatched.) I saw a toppled red bike. After hobbling over with my tired legs in heels I could see that is WAS my bike. Detached from the rack! The lock was still secure around the frame and front tire. It's highly unlikely someone found a way to unlock my bike and then left it there with the lock on the frame/tire. The only other option means that I'm completely stupid. I took my bike out Thursday afternoon to run some errands. I must have forgot to actually lock my bike to the rack in my absent-minded haze. I suppose I had a lot on my mind, but I didn't think it could cause such foolishness. I feel lucky because who knows how long my bike was just sitting there unlocked...? I need to start thinking clearly or who knows what else could happen.

Saturday I voted. It felt superb.

Saturday night I attended a Halloween party. Maybe just a David Bowie costume party, but it gave me a chance to dress up. This year I'm dressing up as a harlequin. The costume consists of white tights with black diamonds, a black leotard with white dots, scarves, a belt, a mask/fake eyelashes, a beret, gloves, other stuff. To me, it kinda just looks like a "costume"...not necessarily as specific as a harlequin, but I love wearing it. I can't wait until this weekend for more opportunities. The party itself was fun too, enough people were dressed up to make it interesting. I love looking at costumes. Honestly, I wish I could trick-or-treat. Or carve a pumpkin. Holiday traditions make me feel wholesome. Watching scary movies is also acceptable.

My new job is going well. This is my last week of training before I am set free. I'm sort of scared because men with gruff/rough/growling voices on the phone really intimidate me. I'll be able to handle it, but I know I'm probably going to make a few mistakes and temporarily feel lame. At least my new boss/supervisor is really nice.

I'm still trying to make a new web site. Trying.

2008-10-22T15:18:00.001-07:00

My bathroom ceiling is leaking. My face is leaking. The sky outside is so close to leaking. So I'm taking a nap.

Medieval Glories

2008-10-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

***DISCLAIMER*** Sorry that ImageShack has to advertise and make all the pictures look ugly. Soon I will find a less annoying way to display them.

Tonight I saw Ensemble Micrologus. It's an Italian group of musicians that play medieval music.

Their instruments:

Gothic Harp

Harp

Straight Trumpet (two)

Flutes

Shawm

Viola

Rebec

Psaltery (FAVORITE)

Medieval Lute

Percussion (Tambourines & Drums)

Bagpipes

...and castanets.

There were seven people playing, but they all started out modestly. I took until after intermission for them to break out the really awesome instruments. By the end of the show people were tapping their feet and screaming for an encore. Honestly, I wasn't too crazy about the vocals, but the music itself was so different. Just to see the musicians playing these instruments (from the second row) kept my attention. I almost bought their CD, but I'm not sure medieval music is something I'd simply turn on during the day. Seeing it live is probably the best. And it was only their second concert in the United States. They seemed extremely happy that the crowd was so enthusiastic. It was an unexpected glory today, for them and for me.

All My Little Words

2008-10-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I saw The Magnetic Fields here in Austin. I was really excited because they're one of the few "favorite bands" of mine that I hadn't seen live. It definitely sounded different than how it does on some of the albums...I guess many of the songs are the result of studio production. Anyhow, the more natural/acoustic-y/live version was easy to appreciate. The music seemed more careful live, if that makes any sense. There was an acoustic guitar, cello, bouzouki (which I just learned is a Greek guitar type of instrument) and a piano. There was also lady that "just sings". Three-fifths of the people on stage used their voices. I think the women sound really good when they sing together. I was also surprised at how smooth and velvety Merritt's voice was in real life. I felt like the band just looked like a bunch of music teachers up on the stage. In a good way. They seem cool because they're not too flashy. Personally, I thought the choice of songs could have been better. They played a lot of stuff from random CDs they put out for plays, movies, Stephin's dog, other projects. There were enough "hits" to satisfy me, but many of the favorites were left out. I'd definitely go see them again; there are still so many I want to hear live.

Tonight I watched the final debate between McCain and Obama. More than ever I feel the need to keep to my promise that if McCain wins I will move out of the country. Watching him...he's just too old. I mean, I'm sure he could get the job done, but he's too boring/old/bitter/redundant. Plus I don't agree with a lot of what he says. He was asked a question, to basically explain his choice for VP, why he thinks she could be president, etc. The first thing he says is that Sarah Palin is a role model. That's NOT a reason to be VP of the United States. I could care less if women look up to her. I'm a woman and I think it's great a woman could be VP, but I don't think it's any sort of qualification. He also mentioned stuff about her lowering taxes, fighting corruption and kids with disabilities. It's fine, but weak compared to Biden. I almost feel like she makes woman look incapable. I don't necessarily approve of her representing my gender. I really respect Obama more because of his diplomacy during the debates. He comes off as being fair and calm, but can still stand his ground. McCain just seems angry and rotten. He points fingers about stuff I don't even care about. Obama has this look in his face when McCain is saying something dumb that reminds me exactly of my dad. It's the face of repressed annoyance. :)

Two years ago my grandma died. I think she would have turned 76 today. It would have been her birthday. I miss her too much. She makes me want to believe in heaven.

Things at work are progressing nicely. I applied for a promotion. It seems as though I would get it, and everyone thinks I will, but it's taking an especially long time. Tomorrow is Boss's Day and I bought some cookies!

Life leaves me mostly confused right now. I am taking things into consideration, whatever that means. I sort of worry about becoming a useless human. I worry that I can't see things for what they really are. I worry that I love stability and that breeds carelessness or thanklessness. Maybe I should "shake things up" like Sarah Palin.

I'm hoping that in a few more entries I'll have a new web site. Theoretically, it will be better than this.

in the WORKS

2008-09-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

WTF is it supposed to mean when I crack open my fortune cookie and there's nothing in there? I wish there had been one in there to tell me what to do with the next five years of my life.

What were once romantic life scenarios floating around in my head have become more of a reality. It's difficult for me because I'm really unsure about what I'm doing.

Basically I pursued broadcast journalism like a madwoman most of the time I was in college. I had some doubts along the way, but talked myself out of them. I really did like what I was studying. Then I studied abroad and things got kind of muddled in my mind. I guess I just realized how many opportunities there were in the world to do all kinds of things. And I realized how much I loved being in another country and visiting other countries and learning about other parts of the world. After I got back from Spain I suppose I felt kind of restricted in the path I created for myself. There's a lot I want to do. It's SO HARD for me to start to let go of a dream I've pursued since I was 15. I came so close and even interviewed for that job in Waco. But now I sit back and think about what I've done since I graduated and I've been really unmotivated about sending out tapes. I want to be clear: I am not rejecting journalism in any way. It's still what I plan to pursue in life. However, I don't think I can follow the route I am "supposed to" and be happy. I don't want to spend most of my twenties in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I've been in small towns, quite honestly, I'm not interested. I wrote an email to my host mom in Spain and found myself describing the pursuit of broadcast journalism as an "obligación". Meanwhile I had these other ideas that I was much more excited about, and I think I'd rather focus on those for now.

So, my revised plan...this fall I am applying to two programs. One is a fellowship program with NPR. Only three people are chosen each year, but I really respect NPR and am willing to spend a lot of time working on the application. Second is the JET program, where you go teach English in Japan. Also competitive. Both last a year. I would be completely blown away if I was accepted to either program. I am actually excited to apply for both things!

If neither program accepts me I am going to try to go teach English in South America. I plan to get a certification in early 2009 to teach English as a foreign language. Maybe go off to Argentina/Chile/??? some time in the summer of 2009? It's too up in the air to really know right now. All I know is that I want to live abroad again. I am desperate to finish learning Spanish. There are things I could do to help myself here, right now, but I want to be immersed again. It's too hard trying to learn another language when you're hearing English all the time.

Part of me feels like I've gotten WAY off track, especially since I put so much time and effort into studying a very specific thing. But I know what I'm excited about in my heart. Quite honestly, I wish there was a way I could do broadcasting when I come back from whatever I'm doing, but I worry my resume tape's going to be too old and my employers would wonder why I ran off to another country after dedicating myself so much to one thing. But this is the time to do it, right? I have a little money saved, I'm not married, I don't have kids, my parents and sister are healthy, I just got two degrees and have a job I can leave without causing too much trouble. This is when I need to take some risks, right? I worry about hindering my career, but I feel such a sense of urgency about doing what I feel passionate about right now. I didn't feel any passion for small towns and cranky news directors. Facing my true feelings has me all tied up in knots. If anyone has any advice...don't hesitate.

Another true feeling that I've been facing on a daily basis? THAT I HATE DRIVING AND COOKING. Someone please hire me a chauffeur and a chef because I think I'm going to crash my car and starve.

There was some random goodness the other day when Ernesto (graphic designer friend in Boston) called me to say his boss wants to commission me to work on a cross-stitch for a book cover. Delightful! There's nothing better than getting large amounts of unexpected money for doing something I like. Plus my "work" would be a on a freaking book! OMG, cool. I'm such an artist now. :)

Finally, I am considering a new web site for this blog. I want to give it a permanent home and also expand the web site more or combine it with the other web site I had. It's in the works if I can figure out how the heck to make a web site.

Blushed Potatoes

2008-09-08T18:16:00.001-07:00

I'm happy right now because I just bought NARS Orgasm blush and I'm eating mashed potatoes.

Looking around, there's still a lot more work to be done in this apartment. I thought I could have it all sealed up by last week before I went to Houston, but it didn't happen. I think it'll be at least Thursday before I finish in here. I'm a little angry because I signed up for internet because I thought the wireless network I was stealing from shut down. It was temporary and now I'm buying internet only for the security of having my own network. It's BS I have to pay $20 just so some guy will come "install" something I could do myself. I think.

I went to Houston this weekend. All was well. I got to visit my sister and BFFs in their house. Saturday I ate breakfast tacos. (All day.) Saturday night I saw Andrew's mom in a Neil Simon play called Broadway Bound. The theater and set were modest, but I thought the performers did well and I really liked the script. There were so many elderly people in the audience and it was hilarious to observe them. They laugh at different jokes. And fall asleep in the back row. Sunday I saw my dad and ate tons of his Italian food. Pasta, half of a sausage and a whole meatball. I was burping Italian food the rest of the afternoon and I loved it.

Today I went to yoga. It was too easy this time so I think I'm going to try to start attending more advanced classes. I am also considering Ansuara, which is a new type of yoga for me. My teacher told me it has more to do with headstands, forearm stands, back bends...basically inversions. I could definitely improve that way.

I am becoming increasingly undecided about my future. I think I want to try to teach English abroad now. If possible. Obviously I wouldn't do it forever, but if I could spend a few years in my 20s living in other countries I think I'd learn a lot and be really happy. I think I'd be an okay teacher. I have some experience...not formally teaching, but over the years I've had to teach people different skills. I should probably learn a lot more about it first. Then there's also the broadcast thing and the grad school thing. I only really know a lot about journalism jobs...the other two things are totally foreign to me. I don't know what I want right now. I change my mind almost every day, but I want to pick something and get on the right track so I don't waste time. I'd be happy doing any of the options, but I feel hesitant to diverge from doing what I majored in. I feel like I'm not meeting some sort of expectations.

It's just past 8:30PM and I feel like going to bed but I have other plans.

2008-09-03T23:41:00.001-07:00

In business not about the election, I have moved again. It was a particularly horrible time. Very hot. New place is on the third floor. Many little boxes and things. No moving truck. This apartment is tiny. It has problems. I won't complain about them until I know they are permanent and impossible to resolve. I feel like this is the kind of place that's going to have all kinds of weird things you have to do to it to make it function properly, like, "Oh, jiggle the key this way to get the door to lock." "Turn the hot water dial 3/8 clockwise or else the water will scald you." "Put this rug in front of the clacking vertical blinds or else they'll rattle all night while you're trying to sleep." BLAH. I wish I could just have stuff that worked right. I can already feel the rage starting to boil inside of me.

Today was good at work because I got 14 awards. To explain, the main part of my job is to call owners/developers/architects and find out which general contractor was awarded a particular construction project. It's not hard at all, but you have to deal with all kinds of people on the phone. Most of them don't want to talk to you and would never dream of calling you back. Most days I call about...hmmm...I actually have no idea...maybe 40-50 people. I usually get transferred to people who don't answer and I rarely leave a voicemail message. Another way I can get the information I need is by checking the city's building permits. Today I succeeded gloriously because I started calling the cities for permits. The big cities even have web sites. It's interesting the kind of detective work that can be done online to trace awards without having to deal with the nasty people that much. Of course, there are always some people on the phone or by email that are very nice and helpful. So 14 must be a record. I get around 10 on a good day.

Yesterday I bought groceries, including ice cream, which I have not done in awhile. Ben & Jerry's is the best brand at HEB, hands down. I almost got Half-Baked when I noticed a new flavor, Cinnamon Buns. I dismissed it because it sounded kinda weird to be an ice cream flavor, but then I picked up the box (?) and read the description. "Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough and a Caramel Cinnamon Struesel Swirl" It sounded tasty to me and I can usually trust B&J to be good, so I bought it. I didn't try it till about an hour ago. YUM! YUMYUMYUMYUM! I could only eat a little because it's too crazy. It definitely works for me. The cinnamon flavor is wonderful and the pieces of dough are just the right size, plus there are lots of them, so far. I can't wait until I can handle some more of that ice cream.

Finally, the very sad news. My mom called me yesterday in the late afternoon. As soon as she greeted me I knew something was wrong. There is a certain tone of voice that is unmistakable. I was trying not to imagine something too terrible. She uttered, "My mom..." and then broke up and was crying. I asked her, "What?" So very worried inside. I thought my other grandma died. My mom explained that her mom had just called to say that my uncle died. He'd had a heart attack suddenly and there were very few details. The autopsy happened today and I don't have an update yet. I'd only known my Uncle Robby as a child because we used to visit our family in Indiana a lot when we lived in Chicago. He had a wife, my Aunt Norma, and a daughter, my cousin Kendra. He is twin of my Uncle Ronnie who has a disability. He had been helping my grandma by taking care of him a lot of the time. My mom was especially upset because it's been almost a year, to the day, that her other brother, Dan, suddenly died. I got that news via email while I was in Italy with my dad. I had never even met my Uncle Dan before he died. My mom said my grandma is really upset that she's outlived two of her kids. They were both under 50. I don't know about the funeral. I want my mom to go and be with her family, but she's worried about her business. I'm glad she has Steve and my sister with her now and my grandma has Jim and her other sons/daughters/extended family to support her.

Palinator

2008-09-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

I watched part of the Republican National Convention tonight because I am temporarily fascinated with Sarah Palin. It's the kind of fascination you have with a new person that seems important, but you don't know much about them. The political "It Girl" for right now. I found out about 45 minutes after McCain announced her as his running mate Friday and I looked at some pictures and read articles, but I'd never heard her talk or seen her on camera. As David Letterman remarked, she IS like a LensCrafters commercial. She actually spoke better than I expected and has the beginnings of some type of charisma. Maybe.

While I watched the end of Guiliani's speech and all of hers I made some notes. There were too many thoughts running through my mind. I'd wished I'd had someone to tell, but then I changed my mind because I probably would have been talking too much. My thoughts, literally:

-Cindy McCain (with bald spot above bangs) holding the new Palin baby to make good pictures.
-Guiliani says Palin fights corruption, but what about her trying to dismiss her sister's ex-husband's boss after he wouldn't fire the ex-husband for divorcing Palin's sister?
-The Republicans are looking so crazy. They keep showing the same weird people over and over--a blonde woman with big fake pink lips and a cowboy hat and a geeky looking girl with huge braces. Some old people. LOTS of people wearing feathers for some reason.
-Guiliani is being much more critical of Obama and the Dems. I watched Obama, Biden, Bill Clinton, Michelle Obama and no one was quite that scathing against the Republicans.
-When Palin walks out I feel like it's wrong that this is the first time I've heard her speak. She's too unknown to be running for VP. She should be more of a "name" in politics it seems. Though I later began to question myself when she started talking about the "Washington Elite". Still, it seems like being governor of Alaska and mayor of a tiny town isn't enough.
-I hope the people at the convention are the only people that will vote for her. Unfortunately I am wrong.
-Her son looks scared to death when she starts talking about him leaving to fight in Iraq in a week.
-I think it's really good she brought/acknowledged Bristol and the baby daddy. Trying to hide that whole scandal would be worse. WHOA for the fiancee. I wonder what's going through his head.
-Palin seems fake.
-Republicans chanting, "Drill Baby, Drill!"
-I do not understand why she plays up being a hockey mom so much. I get that she's trying to make herself seem on the same level as normal Americans or whatever, but honestly, I wouldn't want a hockey mom being the Vice-President of the United States.
-LOL at the little daughter licking her hand and slathering it all over the baby's hair.
-Okay, back to the "Washington Elite" thing. I guess it's good she's supposedly not a "corrupt politician" like all the big names in Washington, but I think she should have more experience than she does. Running Alaska is probably a really intense job, but it's not exactly the most populous, busy, important state. Oh yeah, it's close to Russia. :) I also just saw that she's barely traveled abroad. That's a problem. I need to read into this.
-This woman is in love with John McCain. We all understand that he was in a war and that means he's experienced with all kinds of situations. Get over it. It's important, but not something to build a whole campaign around.

And I love Brian Williams.

Regarding the Bristol thing, I agree that people should leave her daughter alone. It's a personal matter that she should deal with privately. However, Sarah Palin is running for VP right now with some VERY strong views about family planning. I think it's more than fair to judge Palin based on what's going on with her family. If she doesn't want to explain anything, that's fine but it may come with consequences.

Ultimately, I will NOT vote for Palin because I absolutely cannot support her views. It would make me very uncomfortable and discouraged if she were influencing the way our country was run. Furthermore, I would not be comfortable with her running the country if anything happened to McCain.

I am NOT a Democrat. I just believe in voting for the candidate that best fits me. Most often, there are only two presidential candidates, so it's not that hard to decide which one I am more aligned with.

Obama/Biden '08

Feline Frustrations & More

2008-08-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

After a few months of encountering cats on a regular basis I can say with certainty that I don't like them. I might even hate them. I don't really want to see cats die. I would never kill a cat. I just would rather them stay away from me and my life and my stuff. The hair is the biggest problem. They seem to know how much I hate the hair when they decide to rub their faces and bodies all over my clothes. Besides the hair is their whining, their pouncing...they take dumps in the house. That's so gross. The first cat I knew regularly was Andrew's cat, Falco. Falco's pretty cool. If I didn't dislike his kind I would probably be okay with him. He doesn't seem needy or prissy/pissy like other cats, which I like. He's just too loud for me and seeks affection for the purpose of getting food. I suppose it's survival. The other cat in my life is Porch. My roommate's friend's cat. She's watching Porch while her friend is living abroad. Porch seems needy to me. She follows me all around the apartment and meows in a weird crackle because she was in a fight. She rubs her fur all over the carpet so everything that touches the floor is tainted. She lays down in my room and won't leave and she watches my hamster from underneath the clear glass tank. Right now I am caring for her because my roommate is out of town. This cat vomits too much. Today it vomited on my wicker table. I don't think cat barf comes out of wicker. I am being somewhat dramatic. Cats aren't my tragedy, they're just a nuisance.

I can stop complaining soon because I am moving this week! I found a new place close to my old house in North Campus. The apartment is TINY--an efficiency with a miniscule kitchen and airplane style bathroom. I am excited about the giant closet. I will cram my life into that closet so that the rest of the apartment seems bigger. As excited as I am, I think I might miss this location. I'll definitely be glad to be closer to UT/downtown/friends, but the place I live now is no more than 15 minutes away from anywhere I need to go.

Last week I joined a yoga studio. It's pretty yuppie/fancy/Austin-y, but I like it. I really missed doing yoga. It had been more than a year since I'd practiced. I took it for four years (off and on) at UT. It was definitely a great deal, but the classes were really huge and some of the instructors were too almighty about their own yoga agendas. This studio is really small. I've gone to two classes. The first one had three people, the one today only had two. It's so personalized. I enjoy the fanciness because I'm used to being really cheap about everything. This is one "reward" I am allowing myself because I know it's something I truly enjoy doing. Today was a problem, though. Last week and over the weekend I was SO SORE because it had been so long since I'd practiced. I fully expected the soreness and dealt with it the best I could. Everything started feeling better except this one spot on my shoulders. Specifically the left shoulder. Today I assumed I could just stretch it all away and "work out" the shoulder problem. Not the case. As soon as I lowered down into plank I felt the sharp, searing pains through my left shoulder. I almost dropped to the floor because the arm started going limp. I forced myself through the rest of the class, doing tons of Vinyasas--the sequence of poses that causes the shoulder pain. It started getting a little better toward the end, but I think it's because I modified it and was relying almost totally on my right arm. Now I am upset. I am so excited about these classes and I think I've injured myself. It's definitely screwing up my practice. I'm going to keep doing it until my arm completely tears off. At that point I'll believe it's a serious problem and not just my weak body.

Finally, tonight I signed my life savings away to my sister if I should die. She's my primary beneficiary. It's kind of hilarious. Maybe I'll die from blood loss when my arm breaks off from too much yoga.

waco. creation. lease. grays. sick. cut. golden.

2008-08-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Just for the record, I think Waco was a failure. I never got a confirmation that they rejected me, but it's been almost a month since I interviewed. I have to move on.

In the meantime I am trying to create a life that satisfies me. It's like a game. Maintain all areas of my life. Make new opportunities happen. I am joining a yoga studio this week if all goes to plan. It's been about a year since I've done it. I am also planning to start volunteering with the ARC of Central Texas. ARC=Association for Retarded Citizens. I have a background working with people with disabilities so it seems somewhat logical. It's something that I used to enjoy, though I haven't really done much volunteering since I went to college.

Right now I am swept up trying to find a new place to live. My lease here is over September 1, rather, someone else is moving in because I agreed only to live here for a month. I am trying to decide if it's better to live alone or with roommates. I would much rather live alone, but it seems too expensive and rare to find something. Location is sometimes a problem because my job is far away, plus I realized that I don't want to live outside the very inner core of Austin. I am pretty sure I'm going to have to live with multiple roommates. I just hope I can tolerate them.

The stress is getting to me, but in a lesser way than in past eras. My grays are shining away as always. At work sometimes I sit around and pluck them out one-by-one and throw them into the recycling bin. This week is slow because my boss is gone and I have two things to work on. They are not good at keeping my attention. I was so distracted today. I actually almost called in sick this morning because I was sweating profusely and felt dizzy. I couldn't put on my makeup; I had to lay in bed for 10 minutes to calm down. I felt better after I was at work for a couple of hours and then realized I looked like shit. Sometimes it's just like that.

Tomorrow (today?) I cut my hairs. Nothing drastic, but I can't wait to get all the straw off the bottoms of my locks. My hair is so rotten from all the time I spent in the sun and in the water. My hair is curly brown straw with some confused gray spikes in it.

Oh yeah, and Michael Phelps is a great swimmer. Golden boy.

workworkilikeitfornowworkworkwork

2008-08-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

I'm living in a box room now. Last week I moved out of the "haunted" place. I don't really have any intention of unpacking since I'm only staying here for a month. Well, less than a month now. I have decided I have two options. It depends on whether I get a job in Waco. I thought I was going to find out by today, but they said it's going to be another week, which further halts any kind of plans I can make. It's okay though, I'm pleased to know I still have a chance at the position. So, if I get the job, I would obviously move to Waco. If I don't get the job (which is probably the more realistic scenario) I am going to try to move somewhere for at least a few months here in Austin. I'm not going to give up on broadcasting because I've only sent out three tapes, but it's probably going to take at least a few months before I send out more tapes, they sit in some ND's office, someone actually calls me, I interview, they take weeks to make a decision, then I would actually move.

My current job is still pleasant. I enjoy it for two reasons, well maybe three...

-I am learning SO MUCH about construction. It's not like I'm passionately interested, but it's just something that I never understood very well, like what's the difference between a contractor and a developer and an architect...at least in the process of making a building. And then all the steps a site goes through before an actual building can be put there. There's also all kinds of engineering projects and stuff. I feel like if I ever come across construction-related stuff in a future journalism job at least I'll have a background so I don't sound like a fool when I'm trying to talk about it.
-I spend a lot of time on the phone calling about things I don't completely understand. It's making me better at handling people over the phone and improvising when I have no idea WTF is going on. Important skill.
-The people I work with are cool. I'm still very much the quiet new person in the office, but I am so glad the people I spend so much time around are interesting to listen to.

Also, we get to listen to music twice a week! There's a little boombox on my side of the office and the head reporter has an iPod filled with a bunch of good music. We all get to pick albums on Tuesdays and Fridays. Today I requested some Magnetic Fields. We've also listened to Of Montreal, Elliott Smith, the Pixies, NIN, Air, Otis Redding...I can't remember it all.

I am beginning to love not being a student. During my two months of bumming before I got a job I was wishing I could still be in school. What's really awesome about just working is that you actually have free time. When I come home, work does not come with me, it stays at my cubicle. Which, BTW, I have decorated according to my tastes. I have a fan from Spain hanging, a little beaded elephant purse from India hanging, a cactus on the desk and some little stone/glass animals...a bird, a stingray and some little pig things of varying sizes.

Today I went outside during my lunch and found some secret benches and a table. I laid on the bench with my knees bent and feet laying flat. I hugged my purse and book. Then I started to fall asleep. I had some weird half awake dreams. At one point I realized I was smiling, then I woke up more and tried to remember what in my dream was so funny, but it was instantly gone. Sleeping/dreaming is so weird. After my nap-ish I felt bad. I think falling into a dreamy sleep in the middle of the day in the sun is a recipe for migraines.

I really want to take some classes. Yoga seems expensive. I want to try to work it into my budget. I am also considering taking a dance class, like maybe Salsa or something. It's all on hold though.

This past weekend I went to my friend's wedding in Laredo. It was so lovely! Of course everything was beautiful appearance-wise, but I think I really liked it because I could tell how happy Mireya and Nick were. I've been to a handful of weddings and the people always look in love, but they looked *especially* connected. Mireya was fabulous! It's probably my favorite wedding dress I've seen on someone. Now they're off on their honeymoon in NYC. Lucky people! I decided that I want to have a wedding, but I'm not sure I want the marriage. I just like the idea of having a big party with lots of traditions and pretty dress and then getting to travel somewhere. My sister and I told my dad awhile ago that we wanted to use our wedding funds to take a trip together. Big dreams.

Goodness, I need to fix this headache.

Seeking Balance

2008-07-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

I hate driving Austin/Houston and Houston/Austin.

I went home this weekend and the ride from Austin to Houston was excruciating. Somehow it's never felt that long. Maybe because I thought I was going to fall asleep the whole ride home. My unsettled mind was trying to race, but it was hardly functioning.

The way back tonight was slightly better. At least without such sleepiness.

Home was nice. Friday night my mom had a celebration for her boyfriend at a local Mexican restaurant. I finally got to meet a lot of his extended family. There were so many questions and so much attention. I wished I hadn't been so tired because I could barely handle it. I met Steve's crazy brother. He was a little too crazy for me. I just couldn't find any way to connect with him. He was too scattered after too many margaritas. After eating fajitas and drinking a couple of margs I was about to pass out from exhaustion. We got home and I fell asleep as soon as I laid on my bed, but only for a nap...then I woke up and went downstairs to talk to everyone. I didn't last much longer that night. So many things from this past week wore me down to a silent sleeping heap.

Saturday morning I had to get up early because my dad, sister and I went to Galveston. My dad insists on leaving early in the morning so we can eat at Cracker Barrel on the way. We just call it "The Burrel". A longstanding family joke. Galveston was tolerable. There wasn't a whole load of seaweed on the shore. It still littered the water, too much. I kept peeking into my bathing suit and finding it full of black bits and seaweed leaves. Then I saw a clear bug chomping on my arm. I only really went into the water once because I can't stand to be itchy. I'm already too itchy because of all the parasites living in this rotten old house.

Later at my dad's house he pulled out a duffel bag. He'd gone to visit my grandpa a couple of weeks ago and my grandpa had given my dad a bag of my grandma's stuff. My dad left it with my sister and I while he went to the store to get some ingredients for dinner. We were allowed to take what we wanted of my grandma's stuff. The bag was oddly full of hats. I had no idea she even had that many. Hats, a few scarves, a shirt and cosmetics bags full of her toiletries. It was a little weird. We each took a hat, my sister took some gloves. I took some scarves. I also took two other things, but only because they remind me specifically of her and I wanted to keep them. First was a little nail kit full of the tools she used to fix her nails. Her nails were always so long and well manicured. Numerous times I remember seeing her sitting on the couch or at the dinner table with that little kit...filing away, trimming, polishing. I don't intend to use the kit, but it's symbolic of her. I also took the one shirt that was in the bag. My grandma was known for wearing large bright silky/satiny button-up shirts over black pants and black tank tops. This also reminds me of her.

That night I went to a party with my friend. It was too crazy for me. But I was happy when I got to drive her fast car home on the open freeways of Houston.

Today I finally got to eat my dad's Italian food. It's better than ever.

In the work life, my new job is going well. I think it's completely cute. At least for now. I mostly research Texas construction projects. Friday I made my first phone calls. It doesn't make me nervous to call people in general, but I was scared because I didn't feel like I knew what I was talking about well enough. I am learning SO MUCH about construction, but I'm still pretty stupid about it for the most part. My calls went okay. I seriously think this office is like "The Office". There's not quite so much drama, but the people are like characters. It's almost like sitting around in a TV show, almost. I have my own phone line and computer and cubicle that I can decorate. Though I am holding off. I haven't become too bored of it yet.

Wednesday was my Waco day. I thought it went okay. I got there at 9:30AM and stayed until 2:30PM. The news director was an older man, very respectable. Kind of intimidating. I was able to talk to some of the reporters, take a tour, pre-interview with the assistant news director, sit in on a meeting. After the actual interview I went to do a drug test and then had to take a writing test. I want to believe that by doing these things it means that maybe they're more interested in me. The station itself seems very nice. A huge studio and newly remodeled newsroom. I am supposed to hear back some time in the next week-ish. I want it SO SO SO bad. I wish there was something more I could do, but I've already sent them a note in case they forget about me after interviewing everyone else. Apparently I was one of the first people called in to interview. It was such an amazing feeling to see my resume/resume tape sitting on the TOP of the huge stack. :)

I'm mostly feeling positive. I want to maximize my satisfaction. Certain things may be improved. Stuff feels unbalanced.

NEWS

2008-07-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I had everything figured out...

I wake up this morning to the sound of my cell phone ringing. It's the news director from one of the stations in Waco. I dropped my tapes off there last month. He asks me to come in on Wednesday morning.

So I'm going to Waco again. I hope to impress this news director. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the apartment, new job and everything else I have going on here in Austin...that is...if I can get a job in Waco.

I WANT TO BE A REPORTER!

I have to make this work.

With a smile...

2008-07-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

Maybe I've consciously or subconsciously refrained from writing very much because I've been kind of unhappy about stuff lately. I think it's hard to try to adjust to a different sort of life after school is suddenly over. BUT, today was good. Today makes me think I'll probably start writing more again, because I'll have more to write about than stupid complaints and whinings.

In a nutshell, these were my main concerns since gradation:

-getting a job
-finding somewhere new to live by July 31 (further complicated because I have no idea how long I'm going to be living in this city)
-finding a new doctor in Austin through my annoying insurance company
-finishing my last course and applying for my Spanish degree in time

This is what happened today:

-woke up to my cellphone ringing, got a job offer...ACCEPTED!
-went to school to apply to graduate in absentia, so I'll get my other diploma in September
-went to sign an app/lease for a new apartment (only for the month of August, but it's a start)

Plus, last week I chose a new doctor.

So everything seems taken care of for the time being. I feel a lot more comfortable. There's not 10000 reasons my brain is worrying most of the day.

To elaborate a little bit. The job I accepted is at a publishing company in Austin. They publish a trade journal for contractors in Texas that comes out twice a week. I'm going to train to be a reporter for them. It's not really reporting in the sense that I am getting quotes and writing stories. It seems to be more like I am compiling facts, stats and information so that contractors know what's happening construction-wise in Texas. It's probably not something I'll do forever, but it's a lot better fit for me than a receptionist job, which is what I was counting on getting. This could actually look useful on my resume. I start on Tuesday.

In the housing realm, I am taking over someone's lease for a month before they move in. It's a really big apartment complex about five minutes away from where I live now. The location isn't quite as central as where I live now, but it's still really close to everything. I'm sharing the apartment with another woman who just finished her master's at UT. There will be a cat. Hmmm...I can survive it. When I checked out the apartment today I noticed that the complex is HUGE, but still has a small-ish, cozy feel to it. I like the design and color scheme. Plus, there is tons of pretty landscaping and places to sit around outside. And a pool! Perfect for August. I'm really excited to move in because I don't like the house I live it now. It's too big and empty and creepy. And there are lots of bugs. And an animal died in the wall of my closet and my clothes are slowly absorbing the stench.

Since work starts Tuesday, my celebrations begin now and will last until then. I need to get started.

Disagreement with Dad and Geraldo Rivera

2008-06-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

I just talked to both of my parents, one after the other. Our conversations remind me of how different they are.

Conversation with Mom: the awesome new pizza restaurant she went to with her boyfriend and my sister, recent movies, how our dog is getting better, my sister coming to Austin, me getting a job, me traveling to Waco, what I want to get my sister for her birthday, where I am going to live after July, when I'm coming home again, the grocery store

Conversation with Dad: me getting a job, me staying in Austin ("Where are you going to live?"), me not being aggressive enough, me not networking enough, me networking with people who are too young, health insurance, when I am coming home again, me getting a job, me getting a job, me getting a job, me NEEDING a job

Someone seems to think I'm failing.

My mom is pretty easy on me. She knows I worry a lot and try to work hard. However, my dad seems to pick up on (and pick at) my problems...maybe a little too much. It's true I'm not aggressive enough. Other things I will defend. I've got an ace up my sleeve. He doesn't know everything.

This past weekend was low key. I've been riding my bike around, swimming, sitting around outside. Friday night I tried to learn to drive a stick. Andrew was teaching me on his car. I started to get a hang of it after some coaching, but I am definitely not ready to be out on the roads. I can make the car move, stop the car and switch from first to second gear. Saturday we took a trip to the large Asian market in Austin. About 75% of the food there--I would have no idea what to do with it. I bought a couple of curry items and some Pocky. Sunday morning Andrew awoke with a rotten illness. I tried to help his condition with a ginger ale and ginger concoction. He suspects the dense Indian rice dish he cooked at 3AM. Luckily I didn't get the sickness, but I felt so bad for him I would've done almost anything to make it stop.

So...over the weekend this model apparently committed suicide by jumping off her NYC apartment building. Then Fox News aired footage of her dead body. Specifically on Geraldo's show. Because I'm sometimes morbid and wanted to see how bad what they showed was I found the video and watched it. It clearly shows the model's face with blood on it. Fox News says it was a "producer error". I kept that in mind when watching the video of Geraldo's show and find that VERY hard to believe. They showed the same *zooming* shot of this dead model with her face peeking out of a plastic cover more than FIVE times. That's no error. If it was shown once for a few seconds...maybe, but they definitely did it on purpose and I don't like that they lied. Personally, I don't think the video was really disturbing or anything. It wasn't especially gory. However, I think Fox News should not have put that on air because it's disrespectful. If I were her sister or cousin or friend, I wouldn't want people seeing her dead, bloody face on TV.

And on a happier note: I finished my summer school class today. I am OFFICIALLY done with school forever. And I can tell you a little bit about human evolution.

Take a chance on Waco.

2008-06-24T20:57:00.001-07:00

So, I just burned a very painful part of my finger on the toaster. It's stinging like a mofo. My hands are also greasy but moisturized from sticking my fingers into a tub of wet mozzarella drenched in olive oil. This is what I'm doing on a Tuesday night. :)

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm going to WACO! I'm dropping off my resume tapes at the stations there in hopes of getting a job and possibly being able to stay close to Austin. Technically, only one of the stations is hiring, but it doesn't hurt to try. I am wondering if there's anything to do in Waco besides visit these TV stations. Is there a Dr. Pepper museum or something, isn't Dr. Pepper from Waco? I'm also worried about my fingernails. They're hot pink right now. Will that somehow give a bad impression? Hopefully a news director can handle hot pink nails without having a judgmental conniption. Maybe I'll trim them as a compromise. Besides worrying about my nails, I'm plain scared of talking to these people. Most people don't scare me too much, or even if they do I can hide it. I don't know about this. I'm scared one of the NDs is going to randomly scream at me.

I am also considering a job at KVUE, which is the top station in Austin. The hours are terrible and pay is low and it's not exactly the type of work I want to do (producing instead of reporting), but to actually have a job in the business in Austin would be amazing. I think I'm going to give up my weekends for this if I can obtain the job. It'll be rough, but hopefully worth it.

My bike is fixed up. We spent all weekend working on them. Andrew painted his dark green. Mine is bright red. Today I took a ride in Hyde Park (the neighborhood north of me). It was fabulous because there weren't too many hills. It was a peaceful ride.

Yesterday my mom told me one of our dogs is really sick. Today she took him to the vet and the enzyme levels in his liver are really messed up. They're going to give him medicine, but if it doesn't work they're going to have to biopsy part of his liver. It could be cancer. Poor Octane.

I want a vacation. All of this unemployment is making me crazy.

(+)

2008-06-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

So while the previous post was more dismal...this one is supposed to be happier. Not everything is terrible. There are a few key things that have very recently been good. Let me explain:

-I got a bike yesterday. This offers me a less expensive mode of transport. For my weak-ish self, I probably won't ride much during the day. Austin's going through a stretch of record breaking heat, according to Jim Spencer on KXAN. Today I rode at about 5:30PM (still hot) with my laptop on my back. It was kinda difficult for me. Hopefully I will build my strength over time. However, I will not become a bike snob. I'm always complaining about them because they act like they own the roads over here. To me it's like this *humans:animals::cars:bikes*. I was going to explain this, but it's too much right now. Basically, we're more advanced than animals, so we rule. Cars are more advanced than bikes, so they rule. Anyway, as someone on a bike, I'll always give the car the space and the right. Because the car will always win the battle. The bike is fun. New adventures with the bike. And maybe a picture soon.

-I made egg salad yesterday. It's so delicious. I had a sandwich with egg salad on it a few weeks ago at Thundercould and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I had to try to make my own. It turned out so good. I can't stop eating egg salad sandwiches. Hopefully I'll get tired of them soon.

-I was at home over the weekend for Father's Day. My sister and I had to go shopping to get a present for my dad. While we were out my sister suggested shopping a little bit for ourselves and I agreed because I wanted a shirt to wear out that night. While we were looking my sister pulled out a dress from the rack at Express. She said it was cute and wanted me to try it on. It was on sale for $40, but then we looked at the tag at it was actually only $30. I saw the size "4". I can only consider that my size anymore if I'm lucky. I tried it on anyway and it fit perfectly! I hadn't been that excited about a clothes in so long. It's gray, very fitted and hits below the knee. AND...the clincher...I can put it in the washing machine.

Those are some of my happy things.

(-)

2008-06-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

I like to have a plan.
Figure out how to make the plan work.
Carry out the plan.
Be happy.

Except this time it's not working. It's halfway through June and still unemployed. It's pretty much the only aggravation in my life, but a worthy one because I'm going to run out of dough. I've been to some interviews and never got hired. This is the most recent situation:

Two Fridays ago I had just gotten rejected from yet another job and was really bored and desperate. I was on Craigslist looking for admin jobs. I came across an ad to be a house cleaners. I was seriously wondering why I hadn't thought of it earlier. I love to clean! Obviously, I was delusional. This cleaning company was conducting interviews at 2PM sharp and it was 12:30PM. I got in the shower, got ready and went over there. I was hired right away. Everyone who I told seemed a little surprised. I called my grandpa for his birthday and he thought it was a joke when I told him. I started on Monday and cleaned bathrooms all day...something like ten toilets. On my hands and knees. I had pink cheeks, drips of sweat all over, sore feet and too many fumes in my system. I thought the first day might just be rough. They said it would get better. That night I talked to my mom and Andrew about it. Neither thought it was a good job. I considered quitting, but went back in the next day. It was even worse. We were cleaning big, beautiful houses and they weren't even that dirty, but I couldn't take it. The ladies training me were yelling me because I couldn't mop right. They were telling me two opposite things! I almost cried and told them to stop confusing me. They kept making me mop. I felt humiliated. Yes, maybe I suck at mopping but I graduated from college with two degrees. Should I really be mopping floors? Maybe the Austin job market IS that tough. We got back to the office and my "trainer" gave me my daily quiz over things like what types of products to use on what types of floor. She was reading a version of the quiz in Spanish because her English wasn't good enough. That was it. I left that day knowing I'd never go back. I love to clean my own house, but cleaning other people's messes for seven hours straight just isn't something I can do.

So even my desperate attempt at a job failed. The next day I got a call from a temp agency I'd applied to a few weeks before. They had a possible job for me. I interviewed for it yesterday. It's at a science consulting type place. I'd be a receptionist. However, after interviewing me they wanted to considering offering me a marketing assistant position. They kept telling me how boring the receptionist job would be and if I really wanted it. It seems like half the people don't think I'm qualified enough for a job and the other half think I'm too qualified. Also, no one will trust my lies that I won't leave after a few months. It is my intention to start looking for another job as soon as I acquire something temporary here in Austin. I'm such a bad liar. I think they're scared to hire me and I lied straight through my teeth. Maybe I'll get it if I was tricky and evil enough.

Today I did a one-day job for the temp agency at an educational software company. It was easy and pleasant. Just some filing, copying DVDs and packaging stuff. I'll make some money.

Overall I am doubting my plan. After the interview yesterday I don't know how I can get the type of job I want and not feel bad for lying and leaving before the end of the year. I think if I don't get this most recent receptionist job I'll just start looking for more temporary things where they won't care if I quit after a few months.

I also decided to start actively applying for journalism jobs. I can't wait to get a temporary job first. I want a reporting job right now. I've spent two months applying for jobs that I don't even consider permanent or interesting. I want to start trying my luck for a real job.

Enough gloom and doom. My (+) post coming soon.

Derailed

2008-06-04T01:40:00.001-07:00

It's been almost a month since I've written. It hasn't been because I forgot. I've just been uninspired.

Although I'm generally happy with my day to day life, I'm getting depressed, frustrated and worried about the future plans I do not have. I feel like I'm losing the desire to work and compete for the things I want. Maybe I've trapped myself in a way. I am still looking for a job in Austin. I stupidly limited myself to the type of work I wanted to do (admin) and am finding that I'm not even worthy to be a secretary. I feel like with two degrees I should have been able to find a job faster than I have and now I am doubting my value. Then I get worried that if I can't manage to get a job as a secretary, how will I ever get a reporting job. I am shooting myself in the foot because I am putting off other things until I get a job. For example, I could easily be sending out resume tapes and applying for reporting jobs, but I keep telling myself that finding a temporary job is more important because I need money to survive on right now. It could take months before I get hired as a reporter anywhere. Also, I really want to start doing yoga again and I feel like I can't start paying for the classes until I've secured a job. I want to plan a trip for the end of the summer, but I feel like I shouldn't allow myself that until I get a job. I feel so stuck and my stuckness just makes me more and more frustrated. There are leads for my temporary job idea. I've been on interviews, sent my resume dozens of places, but it's not good enough. I even know what I'm doing wrong and I can't change it and accept it because I keep making excuses. I don't feel like myself in terms of my competitiveness, drive and abilities. I think graduating from college is supposed to make you want to take on the world and make you feel so strong and confident. I don't feel like that at all. I feel more stupid, weak and unsure. I waited so long for this time in my life and now I don't feel like I can do anything right and that I might let myself fail.

At least I have a good grip on my day to day life. Obviously, I have nothing else to do. I guess I am trying to prepare everything as much as I can for when I have a job and less time to organize my own life. Today I got Leopard on my computer. After many failed attempts, my computer hero was able to figure out a way to make my computer accept it. It's fun to play with all the new features and my geeky self looks forward to customizing it more. I am also taking an online class at the community college here to finish off my Spanish degree at UT. I'm learning all about physical anthropology, though I wish cultural anthropology could also count for the stupidly specific course I need for UT science credit. I'm having to relearn a bunch of stuff about evolution and genetics. Luckily it'll all be over in a month and I'll have my second degree.

It's past 4AM and I wish I were more tired. My lack of work has turned me into a nocturnal creature. I can't sleep earlier than 4-5AM and I can't seem to wake up before noon. I am living in the "Haunted Mansion" (as my roommates called it) for a week by myself, though I am not always alone. My roommates moved away for summer jobs. Fortunately the girlfriend of my ex-roommate is moving in later this week. She was also going to be alone in a house for the summer, so we're joining forces.

I feel like I could easily erase what I've written, but I've already done that a few times and have consequently not posted for a month. Hopefully I'll start writing more once I get on track.

Gender Themes

2008-05-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

Last night, almost right after I published my scattered entry, I read something that interested me. It's not astonishing or even surprising information, but I read with a thoughtful mind. It's from this book I'm reading about Greek life at universities. I read a book about sororities a few years ago (Pledged by Alexandra Robbins) that was written by a journalist who went undercover and "revealed" a lot of things that upset sorority girls. She was harshly criticized by the Greek world following her expose. Anyway, the guy that wrote this book (Inside Greek U. by Alan DeSantis) is much less critical. He was in a frat himself and currently works with them at the university where he is a professor. DeSantis did his research differently, mostly by focus groups and talking to students he knew. Both were/are interesting to me because I cannot understand the mentality of the people that join these groups. Also, the overall secrecy of the organizations can be appealing to a curious person. But I digress.

DeSantis sets up most of the book by talking about gender and how gender roles are so strict within the Greek community. He gives each gender five "themes" which are the opposite of the other five gender themes. It's not to say that women and men are expected to act how their gender theme dictates...especially not in this day and age. However, adherence to these gender themes is much more prevalent for men and women in fraternities and sororities.

The feminine themes are:

-Monogamy and Virginity: not trashy or a whore, only has sex with someone she is deeply, emotionally connected to

-Nurturing and Caring: women are caregivers and nurturers, whether they are tending to children, boyfriends or sorority sisters, they worry about the people they love

-Petite Physical Type: women should be petite and thin, usually have an unhealthy relationship with food, being too muscular, overweight or large is a serious flaw

-Relational Interdependence: to be fulfilled women need other people in their life to complete them, being a mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc...

-Domestic Orientation: a woman may work at home or not, but she should always prioritize her domestic sphere, many women interviewed for the book considered their major to be a "safety net" in case they actually had to get a job

I can partially relate to some of these themes. I don't believe in virginity until marriage because I don't think a ceremony and some vows dictates whether you're ready to have sex with someone. I do believe in having some kind of emotional attachment to the person you have sex with. It's too subjective to define what "deep" might mean. Personally, I am monogamous, maybe even biologically monogamous. However, I don't think that it's morally wrong to have multiple partners as long as you're safe about it. Whether you openly discuss your sexual escapades may determine whether you are labeled a "slut" or a "whore" by people, but not always. I don't think it's fair that woman are labeled in a such a way for acting the way so many men do, but I think they need to understand that it's going to happen regardless and make their decisions accordingly.

I understand worrying about people I love more than being nurturing. I think my way of showing affection and care for people isn't totally blatant and probably misinterpreted a lot. The feelings exist. When I do something nice for a person I care about I get such a wonderful feeling. It's almost exciting...maybe because I don't do it enough. Anyway, for me it's just the trouble of expressing these feelings. I mostly worry about the well-being of people I love and don't proactively try to nurture them. I think most women are nurturers though, in some form or another; it seems biological.

My physical type is average. It's always been that way, and hopefully stays that way. If I were to gain a lot of weight I would definitely have to lose it. I can't say that I understand being "muscular, overweight, or large" right now, but I think it'd be awful in the society we live in. I know I have a decently healthy body and even I feel some pressure to look better. I think we're taught never to be satisfied with ourselves physically, whether we're in a sorority or not. It would take a such a strong woman to totally love her body. Sometimes I worry about the pressure I might face in the future if I pursue a career in broadcasting. I don't think it would be terrible, but I'd probably become a lot more conscious of what I eat and how my body looks. I can't imagine how bad it must be in a sorority.

Relational interdependence is something I cannot relate to, almost at all. I've never felt completed by anyone, nor do I expect to. To me, relational interdependence seems very dangerous. Perhaps I've never allowed myself these feelings, but I typically view most relationships as temporary. Rather, the connectedness is temporary. I don't doubt I can "know" someone for ages, but I'm not sure that my dependence on them would always be a permanent thing. I don't want to depend on anyone because what happens if they abruptly leave? It's probably my lame form of emotional protection. I feel a permanent interdependence with my immediate family. I think I've moved too many times and been separated from people I care about too many times to cling to this idea without it scaring me.

Finally, domestic orientation...LOL. Right now I don't want a family, so at least there wouldn't be any extra people to take care of. Even if I did want a family, I'd expect the father to be as equally domestically oriented as me. For a man to expect the woman to take care of the house and kids by default is wrong. I do care about having a nice place to live. I like to clean. Sometimes I like to cook, eh. But I would never do it because I was expected to. I think we should be past the idea of domestic goddesses. I hope to find a domestic god somewhere, or at least a guy that can cook.

To be fair, I can give the opposing male gender themes. As if they weren't already obvious.

-Heterosexual Promiscuity: having as much sex with as many women as possible increases a man's rank and prestige

-Toughness and Assertiveness: no real man takes shit from anyone, fighting is tolerated and encouraged

-Imposing Physical Type: big muscles=guys fear you and chicks dig you

-Relational Independence: real men are self-reliant, they don't need anyone to accomplish tasks, manage their emotions or be complete

-Professional Orientation: men should be successful in the public or business realm

The described man might be my worst nightmare.

Waiting Room

2008-05-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

I want to write, but nothing is coming out. It's probably the first time this has happened. Nothing seems cohesive enough.

-Visiting the assistant news director to have my resume tape critiqued. I have concluded that my tape is probably sufficient, but that I'm nothing special.

-Graduation is soon. All I can think about is getting money because I have almost none. I feel guilty for this.

-I continued my job search today. No one wants to hire someone who might have to leave, so I'll have to start lying.

-Laying in bed and feeling the night breeze on my legs. My window is eternally open since I kicked the glass out during a tickling rampage.

-Registering for a course at ACC for the summer to finish my Spanish major. The people there are so nice, but their web site is awful.

-Extremely worried about how to handle the next few months

-My head hurts.

-Happy, somehow.

My life feels stagnant. It's like I'm treading water, but I'm getting bored and tired. I want something to HAPPEN. I want to know my future.

Brick Lane

2008-04-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching this movie. It was something I'd wanted to see when it came out last year, but never had the chance to. When I visited London I went to Brick Lane...which is now less of a Bangladeshi area since it is becoming gentrified.

It's been awhile since I felt so affected by a movie. I'm not even sure why. I can't exactly relate to the story or the characters. A young Bangladeshi girl is sent to London and forced into an arranged marriage. She keeps in close contact with her sister in Bangladesh and dreams of going back. She is traditional. Her husband, also Bangladeshi, looks more modern, but is very traditional in his mind. He is large and controlling. Their two adolescent daughters have already assimilated into London's culture. The main character finds herself attracted to a younger man who brings clothes to her house. She works as a seamstress for extra money. They have an affair. I think the affair liberates her, in a sense. She becomes more vocal and goes out more, though still remaining so controlled by her husband. Eventually she finds herself wanting to stay in London. Her husband reveals he had always dreamed of going back to Bangladesh. The family has to decide what to do... The story reminded me of one that could have been written by Jhumpa Lahiri, one of my favorite authors.

The movie made me think about so many things...it scares me about life. I guess I can be glad I stand no chance of being fixed up into an arranged marriage. I got so frightened of having a fat, horrible husband. She has to cook for him, take off his coat, pick at his toenails, not talk back and have sex with him whenever he wants. She is not allowed to retaliate at all. I could not imagine a relationship like this. The marriage just seemed to be two people who were randomly stuck together and had to make a life together. It's not fair to have to live like that. When the main character finally begins an affair she becomes so much more alive. Before then she seemed like an unhappy robot. But even when she finds love with the clothes deliverer, she can't really have it. And she doesn't really have that love with her husband. She writes to her sister:

"No one told me there are different kinds of love. The kind that starts big and slowly wears away--that seems you'll never use it up and then one day it is finished. Then there is the kind that you do not notice at first--to it adds a little bit to itself every day, like an oyster makes a pearl, grain by grain, a jewel from the sand."

The splitting of the family in the movie also reminds me of my own family in some ways. This family splits so amicably. Everything is taken care of, everyone retains some love for one another. There is a scene where the husband and wife hug goodbye. They love each other like family and that is all, but they cling to one another because that's the love they've known for so long. In the movie the father says the rest of the family will "join him later" though I am not sure if that is meant to be true. The father leaves the mother in charge and trusts her so completely and shows so much confidence in her. While they may not love one another, the parents seem to still respect each other. I like that.

The characters were real to me. I could identify with their problems and feelings on a very basic level--having things taken away, having things unravel.

pretty standard

2008-04-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

I'm fairly proud that I've warded off Senioritis until the last couple weeks of school.

I'm skipping my pass/fail class. Not reading from "Voces de Hispanoamérica" as much as I should. And not studying for this linguistics test as much as I should.

At this point I'm pretty sure I'll be able to graduate, which is all I care about. Fortunately I've chosen a profession that doesn't require an amazing GPA.

Finding a summer job/temporary job is the biggest struggle for now. I've sort of tried looking. I get frustrated easily when I feel rejected by someone or something. All I want to do is get a simple job working in an office. I've done it before. I feel like I'm qualified to answer phones, do paperwork, use a computer and interact with people. I can dress professionally if I have to. I'm on time. I'm not totally crazy. I probably need to dress in a nice outfit, strut into an office, smile a lot and talk to someone in person. Eh.

Then there's the real job. I was told by a reporter last week that I need to treat getting this job like it's a job. Some reporters are really discouraging. Maybe not exactly discouraging, but they make it seem so difficult just to get hired anywhere. I mean, apparently once you break in, it's okay. But he was saying I need to drive to all these cities in Texas and hand deliver my resume tape to each director. (But, OMG, I have such a phobia of news directors. And for a good reason!) Another reporter told me she only got two Christmases off in the eight years she's been working. How am I ever supposed to see my family again? I hope everyone is trying to be a little dramatic. Today I was out with a photog and I was telling him about how nervous I am and he said he thought I was one of two interns this semester that really has potential. He was saying I could go as far as I want. I honestly thanked him because I feel like it's so rare to hear that from anyone. Everyone wants to tell you how horrible it is. People in broadcast news seem to have such a love/hate relationship with their profession. I can understand it though. Later tonight an important person at the station told me I was the "prettiest intern". :) It's goofy, but sometimes compliments from certain people can make you feel better, even if they're just about looks. But even looks are important in this business...

I need to spend the next couple of weeks getting more excited about graduating. As scared as I am to deal with the job world, I should be really grateful that I'm getting two degrees. (Well, the second one in August.) It's pretty lucky that I was able to double major in four years, and have time to study abroad. And to find the scholarships to pay for more than half of it. And to have parents that were involved and supportive.

Besides all of the worrying I do about school/graduation/job/future...I've still found time to have fun. This has been the semester of work hard, play hard. For the first time in a long time I've had whole weekends off. Of course I'm not sitting around all weekend, though I'm also not doing highly important things. But I feel like I've just been able to get out and enjoy the city more. Just in the past couple of weekends I've been to concerts downtown, dancing downtown, played baseball in the park, tried at least two new restaurants, played pool with friends, been to a festival, walked around in a creek, thrown a boomerang. And I've eaten a lot of shaved ice. I'm really grateful I have the time to do stuff like this. I'm also grateful to know a fun person who likes to do stuff with me.

It's good.

As for the stressful weekday stuff, "It'll all come out in the wash."

I hope.

What's been going on upstairs.

2008-04-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

It's been busy over here. I've got the last school works ever to do, jobs to find, funs to have, a resume tape to create and some graduating to do pretty soon.

One ear is hearing "Pomp and Circumstance" the other is hearing radio static. I'm about half ready.

The way I thought about graduation has changed drastically since I was a freshman. I was already eager to get out the first day I set foot on campus. I never wanted to go to UT. My goal since high school? Leave Texas ASAP. My parents told UT I would attend in Fall 2004. Then they told me I was going. Obviously my "abandon Texas" idea had failed.

I'd always assumed I would move away after graduation. Never really questioned it. I don't necessarily hate Texas. Especially not the way I hated it when my family moved here when I was in 4th grade. The kids were weird and Reed Elementary seemed mediocre compared to Steeple Run Elementary. And the heat! Coming from a Chicago climate made Texas summers so much worse. I literally thought we'd moved to hell. But, after more than ten years I've realized that I like how the people in Texas are weird and that while the summer heat is bad, this body has finally accepted it. Texas has a place somewhere in my heart, even if it's the smallest dark corner in the very back. However, if it occupied a more prominent place, I'd probably still feel the need to leave. It's in my nature to be independent. Change is something to be embraced, but more than ever I wish I could stay here a little longer.

I came to college feeling so mature and independent. In many ways I was. I was convinced I'd grown out of high school at least a year before I graduated. I wanted to create my own little life for myself without worrying about daily obligations to anyone else. And it worked out. I was happier after I moved to college because I was living in my own little world..and still am. However a slew of problems toward the end of freshman year through the middle of junior year left me feeling emotionally stranded. The problems I never had to deal with in high school suddenly started popping up uncontrollably. In retrospect, I felt like I handled it well enough. I had a horrible roommate in the dorms, my parents got divorced, my four-year long distance relationship ended, my amazing and fabulous grandma died, I was in a car wreck and I started to seriously doubt my major. They were all new, scary problems. I'd never dealt with death and divorce and undeserved hate and falling out of love. Fortunately, I had a few solid friends, music to listen to, a relatively busy life and some goals. It's weird because I feel like I started college confident but depressed inside and now I've ended up much less confident but generally happy. It doesn't sound like it makes any sense. The days were sad and the future seemed happy. Now, the days seem happy and the future seems sad. That's why I feel like I haven't necessarily grown out of college.

The real world could be scary.
I am scared no one will hire me.
I'm scared I won't make enough money to live. (It CAN be that bad for entry-level journalists.)
I'm scared of living in a small town.
I'm scared I won't make friends or meet anyone.
I'm scared I won't even get a break to come visit anyone.

It's a lofty goal of mine to embrace what homework-free time I might soon have. Maybe start volunteering again, do more yoga and read more books. I want to think of the postive things I am going to do for myself. Planning, scheming, organizing, preparing--it's my mind's default function. In terms of my career I'm getting ready. Emotionally, I'll be a total wreck when moving day rolls around. It will hurt to move so far from my family in Houston. It will hurt to leave the friends I have made and maintained at UT. It will hurt to leave others who have suddenly become such a necessary part my life. I wish I could just treat the situation like ripping off a band-aid, but I know that I'll keep missing and thinking of people who aren't so easily in my life.

The months before I left for college I was CONSTANTLY worrying about leaving my friends, family and boyfriend. It was a miserable period of time. I refuse to act like that again. When I finally moved, I treated each goodbye as if it were the last. Even though it definitely wasn't. And while I lost some relationships as a result of distance, the important ones are still going strong. I may not see certain people as much as I'd like, but when I do it's like nothing has changed. It gives me some hope that the important relationships I have now will somehow survive or at least not be totally lost with so many miles of separation.

I hate trying to decide between the importance of my own career versus the people in my life. I'm passionate enough about success in this particular career to leave everything go and somewhere else for it. Sometimes I worry I'll be a failure and have tons of regrets. My "Plan A" is a stricly defined path toward a particular goal I've had since I was 15. My "Plan B" is to live out my wildest dreams. Without a plan, I have absolutely no limitations. So if journalism fails perhaps I'll just go back to Barcelona and see which way the wind blows.

I feel like this is such a decisive time in my life. What I do or where I go right now could determine a lot of things. For the next ten years I hope to be in a state of flux, at least geographically. I'm old enough to know I'd like some consistency in my career path, social life and perhaps romantic life. But I can't have it all right away. For now I have to deal with whatever is coming, good or bad, easy or hard.

The least I can hope for is some excitement.

Easterobbers.

2008-03-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend started weird and only got weirder as it went on.

With an exception...Friday afternoon I learned I will definitely be able to graduate with two degrees. For once I've done something good this semester. I might have to take summer school if my petition doesn't fly with the College of Liberal Arts, but I'm walking in May.

Friday night was an attempt to have fun downtown. It was okay. However, by the end of the night one of us (not me) was too intoxicated. It was a messy drunkenness. The four of us got back to Andrew/Lauren apartment complex. We thought Lauren was still downtown and we noticed a guy smoking a cigarette in front of her door. It was weird, but nothing against the law. Then we saw him walk into her apartment, even weirder. We got worried and called her, but it turned out she was already in there with another friend. Meanwhile, the night dragged on while we waited for this friend to calm down and return home.

The next day was wasted sleeping until the afternoon. Andrew and I decided to go to Lake Travis, but first we needed pizza. Then shaved ice. By the time we were leaving for the lake it was around 6PM. I thought we could at least see the sunset--looking on the positive side of things.

While we were on our way there my mom called me and informed me that my gerbil, Olive, who's been sick for a long time, finally died. My mom went upstairs and saw that there had been a bloodbath in the cage. Apparently a large tumor on Olive's stomach had exploded. Basically, my gerbil blew up. According to my mom it was very bloody and there was a hole in Olive's body. My sister, who was visiting my mom at the time, said it looked like Olive got run over. My mom threw the whole cage away because nothing could be salvaged. Olive was old and had already had a stroke. He hobbled around and couldn't really see or hear. It's probably better he finally died, but in such a terrible way, it's so sad. I know that if I'd been there I would have cried when I saw it. Now I'm just down to one hamster.

Back to the lake story. We'd taken Andrew's car. He started to notice that it felt like the clutch was going out. We didn't worry about it too much. However, we got to big hill and it started slowing down. I know very little about cars and at that point even I could tell something was so wrong. It died on the hill. Luckily his AAA saved us. We got towed back to his apartment.

Now it's Saturday night. Nothing is going on. It felt like a Monday night. Then we realized it was Easter weekend. We ate left over pizza, rode around on a skateboard, looked up funny pictures of Hillary and Obama and tried to think of something to do. We were going to make a fire in my backyard so we walked to my house. At my house we ate pita and hummus and watched part of Saturday Night Live while I read some funny excerpts from my journals from high school. Finally we decided we had to leave for some energy. We drank coffee at Epoch. Mine tasted like Spain. Then we went back to Andrew's again to see Lauren. She went to bed and we had to leave again because there was nothing to do. We went to the store to buy crayons but it was closed because of Easter. We finally bought 64 colors at CVS, went to my house and drew on big pieces of paper until I crashed from the extreme caffeine buzz.

Today we had plans to try to go back to Lake Travis in my slightly more dependable car. We made biscuits in the kitchen. Maybe they were Easter biscuits; they were Grands. Wow. Yum. My roommate left right before we did to go eat Easter with her family. We left at about 2:15PM and got out of control trying to find a place to enjoy Lake Travis. By 3PM we finally found something and my phone started ringing. I noticed it was my other roommate but since I was driving I let it go to voicemail. I listened to the voicemail on speakerphone and as soon as I heard it I pulled over. It just said to "call back right away." Scott's tone of voice scared me. It wasn't messing around. I KNEW something was wrong. I tried to remember if I turned off the oven (YES)...if I locked the front door (YES). When I called him he said someone kicked in our back door and that I needed to come home right away. I asked if stuff had been taken and he said "Oh yeah." Expletives all over the place. I immediately thought of my laptop. Life without a computer is not worth living for me. I called my parents, whimpered and whined, swore some more. Started imagining what they could have taken. I have a few valuable things, but for the most part my room is a collection of different things that only have value to me. Artifacts from my life. A bunch of clothes. A few electronics. A hamster. There's not much some thieves could want. I worried anyway.

When I got back I felt like I got out of the car before it even stopped. Scott said he hadn't been in my room. I ran up there and saw my shining, white laptop. I hugged and kissed it. All my stuff was spared! I live tucked away in the attic and I guess they hadn't made it up there. It was a selfish Easter miracle for me, but I still had to think about the rest of the house and my poor roommates. They mostly took stuff from our living/dining room and the extra bedroom that's like an office. Scott had thousands stolen, mostly videogame stuff, DVDs, music stuff and his expensive toolbox of tools. My other roommate had her laptop stolen. The police came over and dusted for fingerprints and got all our information. Someone had already called the police about suspicious activity...that suspicious activity had been in our backyard. Apparently they his the stuff in our backyard which attaches to a little road/alley. Then they got a car and loaded it all in. This is when the neighbor saw them. It was a couple of Hispanic males in a crappy car. I talked to the neighbor later and he said they looked like "scary ex-cons" with shaved heads. It makes me shiver.

The scariest part of this whole thing is that someone was paying attention to our habits or watching us. Then, that people were in our home. Scary people that we don't know. I walk around my house now thinking of all the easy ways someone could come in, though now we're going to fix all of those things so no one comes in again. I don't want to be alone in the backyard. I don't want to be home alone at all. And they had to do it on Easter. And in broad daylight. When the police were over at our house a neighbor came by and mentioned that the house next door is a halfway house. Another thing we didn't know. There's no link between that house and the robbery, that we suspect, but now I guess we understand our neighbors a little better. Initially I wanted to move out because I didn't think I could sleep at night knowing someone was in the house without our permission, but now I guess I can deal with it. As long as someone else is there.

Lock your doors. Hide your stuff. Be suspicious.

I'm just saying.

I've got a plan? I had a Spring Break.

2008-03-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm totally overdoing it with this Easter candy. I made the mistake of buying a bag of Robin's Eggs (basically Easter Whoppers) and now the bag is less than half full. I lose my self control when it comes to malty candy I suppose.

It's been some time since I've written. I think Spring Break threw me off track. I took a road trip to California with Andrew. It was so many hours in the car, but overall an excellent vacation. I feel like trips always seem much better when you think about them in the past. I don't think I appreciate them enough when they're actually happening.

We started in Austin, made our way to Fort Stockton where we ate at a terrible restaurant. Then we got pulled over by a State Trooper because my license plate light was burned out. Ugh, so lame. Finally we got to El Paso for the night. Next day we drove through New Mexico and Arizona. Encountered problems in Tuscon trying to exit I-10 for lunch. Resulted in a two hour ordeal. Very late that night we finally reached San Diego, our main destination. We stayed with our friend Ashwan in La Jolla near UCSD. The next three days consisted of many beaches, strolling around, eating and sleeping. It was how Spring Break should be. It was too cold for real swimming, but it was good to see a beach again. My dad happened to be in town for a business conference on Monday so I was able to meet him for lunch. I also got to see my roommate from Barcelona a couple of times since she also goes to UCSD.

On Tuesday we left for LA, but only for the day. LA, like the rest of California, was mostly how I imagined it to be. It's somewhere I might like to visit once again when I have some money, but I can't imagine myself ever living somewhere like that. We saw Hollywood Blvd. and Sunset Blvd. with Beverly Hills and Bel-Air. We parked at Santa Monica Pier and walked along the ocean to Venice Beach. We finally found shaved ice. So good! That day ended with us sitting in traffic. We got out of the LA area and ate dinner in another city before finally making our way to Joshua Tree National Park. It was so late when we arrived. We set up a tent and went to bed but it was really cold. We struggled all night to stay warm. It makes sense being a desert though. The next day was warm and I got a horrible sunburn after we hiked around for more than five hours. We saw an old gold mine and scrambled around on large rocks. Joshua Trees are so crazy looking in large quantities.

That day we drove to Phoenix, which was the biggest problem of the whole trip. We got there at 8:30PM and it took us until after 11PM to find a hotel. Apparently the Angels were in town for Spring Training and so all the hotels were full. In the process we drove around the city multiple times and got stuck in a traffic jam. We ate dinner at a Denny's at 2AM because it was the only thing open and witnessed some hooligans who had dined and dashed. I tipped the waitress a lot because I felt so bad for her. Phoenix seemed trashy, but I guess we were in the wrong place. We slept so well, got up the next day and drove to Las Cruces where we camped again. It was late when we arrived and our campsite was basically at the top of a mountain between El Paso and Las Cruces. I was scared the whole time because it was dark and creepy and too windy. We made a fire, grilled kebabs, made s'mores and tried to sleep. The tent almost blew away too many times. We'd wake up in the middle of the night and the slanted roof would practically be touching our heads. We didn't sleep well.

On the last day we drove to El Paso, ate lunch and then prepared to get back to Austin by that night. About 30 minutes outside of El Paso we realized we couldn't stay awake. We had to pull over at a rest stop and get out the sleeping bag. We napped on the side of the road for an hour until we felt awake enough to continue. We drove until after midnight. We were delirious and had resorted to playing 20 Questions. I didn't know George Washington Carver invented peanut butter. This is common knowledge? No one even taught me that. In Austin we crashed until the next afternoon.

My sister was in town when I woke up. I hung out with her. That night we watched her friend, who is a "noise" musician, at this little venue for SXSW. I saw him flailing around to loud SuperNintendo type music. It was hilarious. We ate dinner with him and some other people later that evening and I learned that he is mostly normal. Somehow. Since it was the last night of Spring Break there was some slightly inebriated foolishness out of me. Maybe some playful violence and a crashing need for sleep. The next day we watched the Rockets win their 22nd game and feebly played a game of basketball. It was a fun group of people that day. Sunday seems like a year ago, but Monday seems not long ago at all. Time is messed up.

My sunburn has mostly recovered. I got a parking ticket. I hate when people wear fake hip looking glasses. Though I love when people wear real normal glasses. I think I figured out what I want to do with my life after graduation. I can graduate with two majors in May. I need a job in Austin before I graduate. I think I'm going to live here through this year. After that it could be anything.

My dad is turning 50 in less than two weeks! I'm going home next weekend for his huge party. I'm really excited. My sister and I are going to create a special speech for him based on his weird catch phrases and words of wisdom.

I think I sort of love that I have this scattery plan. I feel like I made my life too planned out for too many years. I realized when I was overseas that life doesn't have to be like that, and that a lot of people don't know exactly what they're doing all the time. I don't think I could let go of things the way people seemed to there, but I can definitely ease it up a little bit. I am fairly confident that I won't let myself fail in life. I'm only a student for less than two more months.

Cola, Cherry, Grape, Rootbeer and Orange

2008-02-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

I'm eating Bottle Caps. WTF? It seems mildly embarrassing that I actually bought some. They're not as good as I remember from every Halloween of my childhood. I think because they came in little packs of three, like Sweet Tarts, and since you only ate three at a time you never realized how truly gross they were. I've been duped. So now I'm stuck eating these disgusting soda flavored pieces of sugar while I therapy myself after an especially unkind day.

I feel so unsettled. Deep in my rotten heart and physically. I wore a semi-transparent skirt today, which warranted a slip, but I can't wear the slip because the static problem becomes ridiculous to the point where the slip is totally up around my waist. It's really dumb. So instead I wore some tight black shorts under my skirt. Let me emphasize tight. Let me emphasize that I was sitting around all day. I want nothing more than to rip these stupid suffocation shorts off. It's time for some pajamas without waist limits. I'm wearing a dress tomorrow. These tight shorts might have to find themselves in the trash can. Or I could try to lessen my waistline. However, the former is much easier.

I had another bad day at my internship, but it's not really causing me to rethink my whole life anymore. I have a story due on Thursday for my internship and like a good, responsible intern I had already shot a story (with a stand up) the week before. Today I came in ready to take charge, edit my story and be done with it. Immediately after getting in I realize my disk is gone. The disk I labeled SAVE for a particular reason. Everyone is searching for it and it's just gone. The photographer who shot it is had the day off. I am left with nothing. I try to go out on another story but the other intern had already asked to go. I didn't do anything today. In situations like these sometimes I can find work for myself, but today I chose to have a bad day. It's my fault in that regard. I was so frustrated I didn't want to work anymore. I took care of my own personal business and sat on my can for more than seven hours. I got some homework done, planned some stuff for Spring Break, read all the news ever and searched all kinds of random things on Wikipedia. Including Facebook. It's a very interesting entry if you care to look. Right before I left one of the reporters asked me if I ever found the disk. "Nope." She went outside to smoke a cigarette as I was leaving for my car. I talked to her for a few minutes and she said it happens all the time that interns' things are lost. She actually made me feel a little bit better.

It's windy night because there's a cold front coming. Today there was record heat in Austin. More than 90 degrees in February. I don't mind because I'm still thawing after so many months of European cold and then Texas cold. I'm ready to take my winter coats back to Houston this weekend. My house makes scary sounds in these winds.

It'll be okay though.

These Days

2008-02-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

I seem to have gotten into the routine of life. This Monday will be similar to last Monday and the Monday before last. It can be enjoyable in its own way. I feel like I'm equally comfortable with routine and spontaneity.

Shortly after I wrote my weepy, lame entry last week I discovered that one of my hamsters had killed the other one. My thoughts of the future were put on hold while I screamed into the phone to have Andrew come take care of the little carcass. I have lost interest in the one that's still alive because I know it's a killer. Sometimes I forget that even cute things are actually ferocious animals still. I think I am done with pets for awhile after this. This is just proof that gerbils are way better than hamsters.

I had a fairly decent week at my internship, which cleared up some of my career-related troubles. Monday was busy. Thursday was disappointing but okay anyway. I had asked to go to the Texas Democratic Party's watch party and was given approval, but they started requiring press credentials at the last minute and I didn't have one. Instead I went to a watch party at the Alamo Drafthouse. It was fun to watch the debate on a movie screen...and I got a stand up out of it. I decided after that debate that I don't think I can support Hillary. Although I am very interested in politics, I don't feel right talking about my personal opinions very much. I am too used to attending political events as an observer. Not ever cheering or clapping. Actually, I went to the Obama rally yesterday night, as a supporter I suppose, but I felt unable to be visually supportive. He has my vote, but I don't think I'll tell the whole world about it.

These next couple of weeks are going to be tough, leading up to my last Spring Break. I suddenly realized I have something due every day of the last week before the break. Plus, I am interning two days in a row and one of those days is because of the Texas Primaries. I'll handle it though; I've dealt with worse weeks. I have planned to go to San Diego with Andrew for Spring Break this year. We have friends there. I want to go to see friends, but also to see California. The only cities in the west I've ever seen are El Paso, Moab and Seattle. Kind of Albuquerque, too. We want to drive, but I told my mom about our great idea and she's upset I'm driving my car all the way there. I can't imagine my dad is going to be much happier about it. "A terrible idea" are the exact words from my mom. I don't understand the point of having a car if you can't take it on a trip. I think I may have to defy my parents for once in my life.

I am still waiting (not on the edge of my seat) to hear back about the NYC internship. I was supposed to find out by yesterday, but instead I got an email saying I'll know by Tuesday. I'm not expecting anything.

The weather here is finally lovely and I'm kicking myself for not spending more time in it.

-----

These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I need to go to charm school.

2008-02-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling tormented. I don't want this blog to turn into my worried rants about the future. Part of me doesn't want to worry too much about what's not happening now, but another part of me can't help but think that in five months I have to figure out the next part of my life. "Figure something out" basically = find a job. I feel like everyone else in my major is progressing along so well and I'm quickly losing my desire to compete. A job isn't going to fall into my lap. If I want a job in broadcast, I need to do it immediately after graduation, otherwise I don't think I'll ever get back into it. I'm lacking something I felt like I had before I started interning. Probably my confidence. I think there is a certain way to connect with people that I just don't seem to possess. My dad used to jokingly tell me I needed to go to charm school...maybe he was right. Does such a thing exist? After more than 15 years of school I've learned to be a good student, but I haven't been had many jobs in the "real world". I don't have practice interacting with people in that capacity. I'm tired of thinking about this dumb problem. I just want to do something where I feel socially relaxed. My stomach is in knots.

These types of entries are so lifeless. Hopefully I will look back on them and laugh because I thought I was so confused.

Toothpaste, Dems and <3s

2008-02-13T15:44:00.000-08:00

I've been walking around with toothpaste in my hair all day. I feel like some sort of slob. It somehow attached this morning and I thought I got it out before I left home, though I have realized toothpaste would make a really good hairspray/wax/pomade type product.

Anyway, UT students are still in a tizzy because Hillary and Obama are going to debate on campus next week at the Rec Center. How lovely it's going to be for them to talk about the issues facing our country while inhaling fumes of body odor and tennis shoes. Only kidding...I'm sure UT will have everything spotless and perfect for their visit. The debate's being hosted by the UDems, CNN and Univision. It's private so most people won't be able to go unless they're important Austin elected officials or something. The Dems are holding a watch party but tickets are $50. As I mentioned, I will be interning. I am trying to pull some strings so I can at least cover the debate. I don't even know how difficult it's going to be for the stations to get press creds. I'm thinking that even if the stations are allowed at the debate it'll be some rule like only one reporter/photojournalist per station. Maybe I can appeal to someone at a higher level and convince them to let an intern come along.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. My mom and dad both sent me stuff in the mail, which I noticed when I came home this morning. My mom sent candy and a card and gift certificate to Chick-fil-A. Score! :) Except I found out today that it doesn't work at the location on campus. Oh well, free chicken from another location is still fantastic. My dad also sent a card and my voter registration information stuff. At the bottom of his Valentine's Day note he wrote, "Don't be a joker, go vote!" I feel a slight guilt for not sending my family cards this year, but I'm sure they'll live. I think I'll call instead. My dad isn't even in the country. Apart from my family Valentines I can be happy that I also have a Valentine here in Austin. I think 2008 can be a happy Valentine's year. 2006 was the worst ever and 2007 was just lacking anything real.

For now I have to continue my loads of school work while I run my hands through my toothpasted hair.

Thought extremist.

2008-02-11T20:33:00.000-08:00

Today I had an especially awful day at my internship. I hate when bad things happen because every time I immediately want to quit this career. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's really bad. I don't know what I should do anymore. More and more I am toying with the idea of applying for other types of jobs after graduation. I want to at least try getting a broadcast job since that's what I've gone to school for, but most days I can't help but think I'm not really cut out for it. Why was I so sure of everything up until the last semester of college? I feel like broadcast journalism is like a long-term relationship I'm too scared to get out of. I've devoted so much time and effort to this, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it didn't work out. Sometimes I feel like I wasted time being too focused. I don't feel like I have much room to make mistakes right now.

And all of this...all of this crazy worried talk, all because I had one bad day. I'm awfulizing too much. Today there was one reporter available for me to go out with. I asked her if I could go out with her and she happily agreed and said she'd let me know when she was leaving. I was trying to keep an eye on her. Eventually I noticed she'd walked away and wasn't coming back. I realized she actually left without me. I was so stuck. It wasn't even 5PM and I had no way to leave the newsroom. The whole day (2PM-10PM) all I did was write a couple of stories for the show. I spent almost eight hours sitting around. I don't know what I should have done differently. I know I need to be aggressive, but I did ask to go. Am I supposed to follow the reporter around asking her if she's leaving every time she gets up from her desk? I can't seem to understand the borderline between being aggressive and being obnoxious. Either way, I did something wrong tonight and suffered terribly for hours and hours and more hours.

I want to move to NYC. I'm sure I can find some sort of of job there. On the way home in the car I briefly thought about grad school. Maybe work somewhere for a year and pick another major and go back to school. I don't know. I don't know anything.

The most exciting news of the day was that Obama and Hillary are going to debate on the UT Campus in about a week and a half. I want to go SO bad. I realized I'm supposed to be interning that night, so I might try to go out on that story if I can't manage to get tickets on my own.

This weekend was okay. I wasn't sick anymore, which was good. I saw "There Will Be Blood" on Friday. It reminded me a lot of something my dad would like. The main character actually reminds me a little of my dad before he (the main character) goes crazy and gets really mean. I can completely see why the movie's worthy of an Oscar, or why Daniel Day Lewis is worthy of an Oscar. It's a strong movie with themes that are so universal regardless of time or place.

Um...deviating from whatever I was going to write about...there is totally something crawling around in the ceiling. I don't like it.

Sunday night The Shrieks played in a Battle of the Bands, which turned out to be some kind of scam. I felt really angry when I learned the scam technique. Of course because it's my friends getting scammed, but also because scams just SUCK. I hate when they prey on people who really shouldn't be preyed on...or like, take advantage of people psychologically. On the plus side, The Shrieks sort of won the contest, which is great, except because of the scam they have to play another show to ACTUALLY win.

After the show I went out for a little while and ended up at a bar with Andrew and Nick. I finally smoked a cigarette. I've been known for having never taken a puff. More recently, though, I started realizing that I don't have much of a problem with cigarette smoking. It's not something I'd want to be exposed to frequently, but it doesn't bother me the way it once did. I think being around all the smokers in Europe changed me a little bit. Anyway, it was about as I imagined. Not completely awful, but no real reason to continue. People can smoke their lungs out, but I still want to preserve my own.

wheezing woman weekend

2008-02-04T23:03:00.000-08:00

I just observed Herpetron desperately trying to spoon with Cupid. It was one of the cutest things of my life. Then Herpetron started falling asleep on her back with her feet up in the air. It's adorable because they're so tiny. I think this is one of the reason I like having small pets. Even when I have a long tiring day and I'm feeling sick I can come home and watch the hamsters being cute. It's a simple happiness.

A less cute story...I have been nastily sick this weekend. I don't think I've had such a fever in awhile. It started out Saturday morning as a general overheating. Saturday during the day I was having hot flashes, or maybe more like feverish heatstrokes. Last night the fever had reduced but I woke up a bunch of times sweating profusely. My body aches in a crippling way without the Sudafed. I sound like I've been smoking since I was 11 and my throat feels like a raw, bloody pulp.

Despite the ailments my weekend was decent. I went to a party, had people over for dinner, went to Fiesta twice in one day and played some pool. Fiesta fascinates me in terms of what it offers. I like their international section, but I rarely buy anything from there since I am still trying to master simple American college student cooking. I leave international cooking to restaurants and skilled friends.

Today I interned. I felt a wave of panic when I first walked in because everyone was busy and there was nowhere to sit and I was just standing around in the busy newsroom. It's a terrible awkward feeling. It's how I used to feel almost everyday at Fox even when I was sitting down. However, at KXAN I have more confidence so I found a seat, waited for story assignments and asked to go out with a reporter. I like the reporter I went out with today because she gives me stuff to do. She gives me advice and doesn't let me sit around idle. Not that I ever want to anyway. She throws me into situations that can be challenging. We went to a meeting at City Hall. It wasn't always the most interesting information, but there were a lot of good story ideas. I like when I can see interviews I did or things I wrote on the 10PM show.

When I got back I had to start editing my own package that's due Friday. This was where the real challenge would lie, since most news stations edit with Avid...a complicated PC editing program. It seems so much different than Final Cut Pro, which is what I learned at school. I used Avid a little bit over the summer, but always hated it with a passion. I asked one of the photogs for help and he agreed right away. He didn't make me wait, he didn't tease me, he didn't treat me like I was stupid, he just helped me. Today I got more comfortable asking for help, which seems so simple, but it's not really. Over the summer I felt like anyone that I asked for anything...they'd just ignore me or harass me or make me wait and forget about me or they'd help halfway. It felt like such a struggle to get anything done. And I guess they probably thought I deserved it. I think it's true that when you don't feel like anyone believes in you, you usually fail. I felt so unsupported. KXAN is tough and blunt, but also kind and friendly if you give even a little effort. Thursday I really have to dominate Avid because today I just ingested video, the easy part. I think I'll make it through.

Tomorrow is Super/Fat Tuesday. It's also my final step toward the NYC internship. I have a phone interview. Last year I spent hours preparing and trying to imagine what they might ask. Only to be rejected in the end. This year I'll prepare a little bit, but mostly try to wing it. I want to seem natural. I feel more qualified and confident this year. I know staying in Austin for the summer wouldn't be a bad thing anyway. It is what it is.

The past few days I have particularly enjoyed the contrast between Thom Yorke's "The Clock" from The Eraser and Bob Dylan's "Talkin' New York" from Bob Dylan. Electronic beats and a hillbilly guitar. Delicioso to mine ears.

Ears hear, hair is near.

***OFFICIAL: I have accepted my grayness at the tender age of 22. They're coming in faster and stronger than ever. I almost like it. I guess it's weird enough.

Gold Days

2008-01-30T18:45:00.000-08:00

Today was good. It wasn't a marvelous/excellent/superb day or anything. But it definitely wasn't bad. It's the kind of day I like because it's just normal and productive and pretty. Maybe with some extra perks along the way.

Today's perks included:

-Finally deciding on some names for my hamsters. Herpetron and Cupid. Herpetron is the bigger one who has a gnawed area on her butt from their fights. The name Herpetron came from a pet directory. Some crazy person actually named their business this. I'm stealing the name because it's funny...like a robot with herpes. Or a hamster with a chewed butt. Cupid is the smaller one. There was an allusion to "Cupido" today in one of the poems we read in HispAmn Lit class. I liked it. The hamster's kinda small and round and cute. I can imagine it flying around with a bow and arrow pretty easily. Cupid fits. Except I guess Cupid is a male name, but that hasn't stopped me in the past.

-I cooked good food! It was tasty and I did it myself. I made a pot of pinto/black beans and added slight meat for flavor and spices. I heated up some tortillas and put on some Mexican cheese blend and avocado. Then I added the beans. I liked it. I ate three. I hadn't eaten since my bowl of cereal at breakfast. It was filling. I think I'm done eating for the day. How simple.

-I had a good hair day. My physician asked if it was natural. She said the "Chinese ladies" were talking about a new type of perm that would make her hair look like mine, haha. I told her on humid days no one would wish to have my hair. But today it was nice. :)

-I ran into a friend who decided to sit in on my enviro seminar class. The good part was seeing her after being gone for so long. The bad part (not a perk of my day) was the guest speaker we had in the class. It was a high power official at UT who we had both dealt with in the past through the Environmental Center. The topic of her talk was Campus Sustainability. I worked on getting a sustainability policy passed and task force established for three years, along with other students involved in this committee of the CEC, my friend Lucia included. We helped write the policy. In her speech, this official never even mentioned students. All of the work we did to get this happening at UT was glossed over. She talked about the policy that SHE was drafting with HER colleagues. It's pretty much the same thing we'd already given to them when they would barely listen to us. Now they're flaunting it like it's their own. I probably shouldn't shoot my mouth off too much since I've been gone for a semester and am not totally up to speed, but her talk was irritating in more than a few ways. Again, not a perk, but at least I had someone there who could share my frustrations.

I feel like I am rejecting environmental stuff more and more...I'm not even sure why. It just bugs me in a nostalgic way. But also in a depressing way because I know "environmentalists" have an annoying image and that it's so hard to make people care about certain stuff. Especially when it's long term. Despite it all I want to go CAMPING. It's been so long. My tent is in the closet crying.

keep all your crows away
hold skinny wolves at bay
in silver piles of smiles
may all your days be gold my child

.

gene rally

2008-01-27T23:18:00.000-08:00

I miss Spain right now. I don't know what else to say except that I need to go back. Whenever I start looking at pictures from Europe I feel so happy. Everyone said studying abroad would be "such an amazing experience" blah blah blah, but it really was for me. Every specific trip, every person, every taste, smell and feeling are so pronounced in my mind. It's like amplified memories. It's not that I even try to compare one place versus the other because it's unfair. Spain and Texas are too different. I just remember what I had and how it was and I know I'll never have it again. Even if I were to return to Barcelona for a trip, I'd just be another visitor. I want to live there. I liked Europe because it was challenging to me. Living here mostly seems routine. I understand most things. I guess it's more convenient for the type of life I have right now.

Anyway. I'm trying to do the best I can for myself. I was accepted to the final round for the NYC internship this summer. If I can live in NYC for a couple of months it'll at least be closer to what I had in Europe. I just want to live somewhere huge and overwhelming. I want to be another body moving along on the streets. I want to live in a tiny space where I can hear the city around me. I don't want to need a car. I want to dance at clubs with good music and late hours. I want to live in a city that people write books and songs about. I want a two month taste of NYC. I'll know within the next month whether I'm going.

Of course Austin still has its perks. It's comfortable and stable here. I am starting to like where I live more now that it's not freezing every night. I have a pretty view from the windows next to my bed. I like driving around in my neighborhood. There are so many trees and cute houses. I feel more like a grown-up. There's not a rowdy frat house outside my bedroom window anymore. Although I still get my dosage of those idiots since I still frequent my old apartment complex and can hear their antics outside. I have once again found some type of stability in my personal life. It had been a productive couple of years of dating. I met some interesting people and learned some lessons. I still have no idea what I want since there's been such a variety. However, I know I'm happy with what I have now. It feels easy and normal, but it's still really fun and exciting. The end of my old relationship became so agonizing and intense at times I think I totally wanted to reject them for awhile. Then my pseudo-relationship last year became so illegitimate and confusing I got aggravated that I didn't seem worthy enough of someone's commitment. Then finally something normal happened, but not something so normal that I'm left bored.

sometimes

2008-01-23T21:40:00.001-08:00

this is totally random and uncalled for. especially at this time when i should not be doing anything else besides reading and analyzing poetry for my Spanish class. but sometimes i really wish i was an artist. sometimes i think about what would really make me happy...what i would want to do all day long, every day. i want to create stuff. or fix stuff up. i like working with my hands sometimes. and sometimes i want to be left alone--i don't want to talk to people. sometimes i wonder what could have happened if i'd tried to develop an artistic skill. i think there was some potential. it may have all dried up by now. i have fantasies of quitting everything i know and doing something totally new.

back to the horrible poems. sorry gabriela mistral...but i just don't get you.

stressness

2008-01-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

It turns out my room definitely has leaks in it. It's not even that I care that there's a huge puddle on the floor. It's the incessant dripping noise. Rain, rain. Usually I like it, but only when I can stay inside all day and lay around. Today that wasn't a possibility. I had to get up and go to my internship. Things at KXAN are already tons better than they were at Fox. Apparently my reputation there was even more ruined than I'd thought when I left. It seems like most people should be allowed just one honest mistake in their life without a whole news department turning against them. What happened there hurt my feelings. I don't think I could ever go back for any reason knowing what was said about me. I am trying to be good at KXAN. If I screw up this internship at all I might reconsider things.

Today I went out on a story about the superintendent of a nearby school district resigning. It seems especially shady what's going on. There is information missing because right now no one knows why this guy resigned. He seemed perfectly nice. The people on the school board wouldn't talk about anything and their decision was made without any input from the community. Also, I was reading through the stories in our news program and I came across something about a girl who'd been shot on her dad's ranch. She was the granddaughter of one of the governors of Texas from the 60s/70s. The girl's last name immediately struck me as familiar, but I didn't think much of it because it doesn't seem so uncommon. Later this afternoon the station was receiving a story from an affiliate station about the death. They put up the girl's picture and I realized it was, in fact, the girl I thought it could be. She worked at the campus TV station. I didn't know her well but I'd seen her around. There are still a lot of unanswered questions because it was not released who she was with when it happened or any other details. I feel so bad for her family and friends.

Right now I should be sleeping or preparing for my presentation tomorrow at 9:30AM. I am panicky because the presentation is for the whole class period, in Spanish. Luckily I work with two other people who are native speakers. I am dreading it. My professor is difficult and has no qualms about embarrassing imperfect speakers in front of the whole class. There are three classes in a row tomorrow for me! I think I might have to come home and sleep all afternoon.

I am starting to wish I could cook. I've been eating soup almost every night. Salads during the day. I feel full in a lame way. Last night Andrew cooked eggs when we got home from our downtown adventure. They were so good. I don't know if it's because I had a drunken hunger or what. I'm pretty sure they were legitimately good. I was thinking about them all day. Anyway, I got home tonight and ate garbanzo beans. I think they are the best food that can come from a can. I put hot sauce on them...because I'm gross. It tasted too briny. I'm going to invent a dish with eggs, garbanzos and avocados. Maybe with hot sauce, too.

I'm starting a new internship tomorrow. On that note...

2008-01-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was reading for Theories of Persuasion (I got in!) and came across some words that aptly express how I feel, more or less, about broadcast news.

"Recent studies suggest that when those in charge of news programming decide which news events to cover and which fraction of the miles of daily videotape to present to the public, they make their decisions, at least in part, on the basis of the entertainment value of their material. Film footage of a flooded metropolis has much more entertainment value than footage of a dam built to prevent such flooding: It is simply not very exciting to see a dam holding back a flood. And yet, the dam may be more important news."

"Such coverage does not present a balanced picture of what is happening in the nation or the world, not because the people who run the news media are evil and trying to manipulate us but simply because they are trying to entertain us."

*Selection from E. Aronson, The social animal (9th Ed)

Is it so wrong that broadcast news is a business? It IS meant to make money. Unfortunately that leaves many stations pandering to the least common denominator...but is it really the least common denominator? Who wants to watch still video of a dam? One of the biggest rules of broadcast is that you usually need to keep the pictures moving, less than five seconds per shot. No signs, no buildings, no dams...for the most part. If a station made a newscast that somehow mirrored a credible newspaper (NY Times, Washington Post, WSJ, etc.) it would probably boring. Lack of video could leave anchors at the desk reading for minutes on end. Other stories wouldn't even be possible because there is no video to show for it. It's so easy for people to criticize broadcast news for being stupid, but what are the solutions? I would really love to know. I want to find an example of a "smart" newscast and then see how many viewers it had and if it'd even be sustainable. If no one watches it, advertisers won't buy commercials and it'd be over so fast. Money beats intellect every day. Maybe broadcast is simply a dying medium. People still watch TV, video is not dying, maybe it'll just be newscasts on the internet.

Thinking, thinking.

Yesterday's problems are already over. I got my schedule figured out and it's good. Our clogged toilet is fixed. And I don't have to steal random linksys internet. I get so grumpy without internet access. It's probably an addiction. The lack of heat in our old house problem is also better. If I stay in my room for hours with the electric heater blowing I can make it 71 degrees. Awesome!

Tomorrow I have 4.5 hours of class and then 8 hours of internship without a break. At this moment I have less time to sleep than I will spend at my internship. And on that note...good night.

cold house/cute hamsters

2008-01-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

Initially the transition from being in Spain to being in Texas was easy...I think it was because I had so many distractions at first. Now that school's started and I feel myself starting to sink into some sort of insignificant despair. It's that my classes are messed up and I'm not used to where I live. I run the risk of being in a boring class with 12 books on the reading list unless I can move up one spot on a waitlist for another class before Thursday. Everything at my house is fine, mostly. We have a horrible (and nasty) toilet clog problem that can only be remedied by a plumber. Besides that I'm cold because there's no heat and it's cold in Texas again. And our internet is not stable since I'm stealing until we get the proper wireless equipment. Besides the temporary stuff, I'm having trouble getting used to living like this. I think the sheer size of this place is hard for me to handle. I don't feel scared when I'm alone at the house, I just feel distant from everything else. My room is tucked away in the attic. I've decorated and turned it into my space, but then it leaves me very little incentive to use the rest of the house. Just going to the kitchen to cook dinner feels like I'm traveling to another country. I want to utilize the space here better but I don't feel like I need it. I've also started to figure out my routes to school and where exactly this house is located in relation to everything else I know around here. Walking to campus isn't bad at all with some shortcuts. I just feel really isolated from the hum of the semi-city that makes up the radius around UT. Although I lived alone in my apartment last year I could always hear people walking around, cars driving by, buses, neighbors and I was close to many of my friends. Living over here I'm in a random house on a quiet street. I suppose it's my heart beating for something more urban.

My new pets are making life much cuter. Before I left Houston I went to get Olive to load him into the car for the trip to Austin. I immediately noticed blood sprayed all over his cage. I ran over not knowing what to expect. I thought maybe his foot would be gnawed off. It wasn't and there weren't any obvious signs of injury. I still don't know what happened to him, but it left blood all over the cage...on every glass wall, on his food bowl and everywhere else, except him. He was already messed up from a stroke, so I left him in Houston with my mom to spare him the ride to Austin. I thought he wouldn't make it--though apparently he's doing okay in Houston. Yesterday I adopted two Robo hamsters. I was very opposed to hamsters my whole life, but these ones are smaller and adorable. I am trying to make them more tame because they're really skittish and they dart around at rapid speeds. I think (hope) they're two girls. I haven't decided on names. Right now they're running in their little wheel together. Everything they do is SO cute.

Maybe I'll put up some pictures if I can ever capture them on camera.

Insomniation

2008-01-10T01:36:00.000-08:00

I cannot sleep.

The past two nights have been too difficult. It's almost 4AM and I'm wide awake.

I got so bored I started walking around my room and lugged my high school yearbooks to bed. I was flipping through the pages, laughing out loud. I guess it's been long enough to start to see what people end up doing...or what direction they're headed in. It's interesting to see who you still know and who only lives on in your mind when you see their face in a yearbook. I'm so glad I left that world behind though. I was ready for college at least a year before I went.

Tomorrow (today) I return to Austin. Houston's been productive and boring. Austin will be unproductive and fun. At least until classes start. Actually, Houston was wholesome. Today my mom cooked me a nice meal of salmon with pineapple salsa for lunch. Then tonight I went to my dad's and he cooked a pork roast with vegetables and rice. I don't know how my parents are both such amazing cooks and I seem culinarily dysfunctional. Besides the good food, my family is generally good company. Chatting with my mom or joking around with my sister and dad...it's wholesome. :) Everyone in my family seems really happy for once. Before my parents divorced there were always arguments and complications and problems. Now it's easy--happy. I wish my parents and sister would just live in Austin so I could see them more.

This semester of school may be my last. On one hand I feel ready to get out of Texas and take on the world, but on the other hand, it's a little scary. It's so hard to believe the time is coming when I'll be "cut off". Part of me wants to stick around in Austin for a little bit longer, especially after being away for a semester. I'll try to make the most of whatever time I have. It's funny that during my last semester, when registration should be so easy because I'm a senior, it's actually the most difficult. I can't get my stupid schedule figured out. I need another elective class and there's potential for four:
-Unbelief in America, a history class about atheism, agnosticism, free thinkers, etc
-Mexican Identity (more or less), a Mex Amn studies class
-Election Campaigns, a government class, hopefully about the upcoming elections
-Theories of Persuasion, a Comm Studies class about...not sure...it was recommended to me

Right now I'm on a waitlist for Theories of Persuasion. I am enrolled in the elections class, but they changed the meeting time so I have to drop it. I think I am going to try to get into Unbelief because it sounds like the best. With luck it won't be closed by the time I register tomorrow. UT is such a pain in the ass with this stuff. And I'm a huge nerd because I just wrote about all this. It's my only free elective ever (almost)! It's a big deal!

Last night I saw "I'm Not There" about Bob Dylan's life. It actually confused my sister and I more than anything. I thought it was supposed to be six actors portraying Dylan throughout his life, chronologically or something. Instead it was more like six actors portraying what Dylan's life represented in a really abstract way. One of the characters in the movie is a young black kid who rides trains around the country while playing his acoustic guitar. My sister turns to me and asks, "Is that supposed to be Bob Dylan?" The character that most seemed to represent the Bob Dylan I am familiar with was Cate Blanchett's Bob Dylan.

By mmerola626

This woman is fabulous. She portrayed Dylan better than any of the men. She was largely the reason I wanted to see the movie and she made it worth my time. Only criticism: her nails should have been cut. I kept noticing her hands looking like lady hands and it distracted me. Unless, of course, Bob Dylan had lady hands. I'm still not sure exactly what I think of the movie. I have a feeling it's the kind of movie I need to think about and discuss a little bit more and then watch again. I think dismissing it would be unfair at this point. It did drag on at the end. Charlotte Gainsbourg was also marvelous. Her acting seemed effortless to me. And I think she's completely beautiful. I love her voice. I have such a girl crush on her. :)

My tongue still hurts because I ate too many Gobstoppers in the movie. I think I've candied myself out for awhile.

Now it's after 4AM and I'm still not tired but I'm going to force myself to lay down because I have to drive back to Austin tomorrow. Excited. Not about the driving though.

You're on top of the world again

2008-01-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

For now.

My day?

NOT sleeping in
ferociously typing away to get myself to NYC
sweating without being warm
cold splotchy looking skin under fluorescent lights
crunchy paper gown
needles and blood
school buses
Belle & Sebastian on repeat
chocolate covered cherries
phone calls

My life feels like one huge sigh at this moment.

***
Hey, you've been used
Write a song, I'll sing along
Are you calm? Settle down
Soon you will know that you are sane

By mmerola626

New

2008-01-06T21:35:00.001-08:00

The travel blog was done. I'm not traveling anymore, I'm back to the usual life. The re-integration has been surprisingly easy. Mostly Spain seems like a dream. It's weird to talk to friends over the phone that I met in Spain and realize they still exist. It's also weird to find all of the ticket stubs, metro passes, receipts and other things I collected over there.

New Year's was a good night for me, though maybe it ended a little too early. My inebriation reached its maximum level by 1:30AM and then I gave in to sleep. We just went downtown for a couple of hours. The whole month of December had been increasingly intense in terms of partying and I vowed to reduce the debauchery after January 1. I think I've been good. I have self-control.

I spent the week in Austin. Mostly sleeping in every day, trying to accomplish at least one thing in the afternoon and then going out at night. It's break. I'm breaking. In a sad way I'm looking forward to school starting and having somewhat of a routine again. However, once it all picks up I'll wish for the lazy days. The grass is always greener...

Today I drifted down 290 at dusk toward Houston. Listening to Radiohead too loud in order to drown out my own cracking voice. Not fully paying attention to the road about 80% of the time. Thinking about the past, present and future. Cursing the men driving large pickup trucks constantly cutting people off.

As soon as I got home I went upstairs to check on my Baby gerbil. My mom told me the day before he seemed especially ill. I saw him laying on his side, which is not normal. Upon further inspection I noticed he was definitely dead. I called his name anyway. No movement. I could faintly see his little teeth in his open mouth and his scent gland tumor under his belly. My mom came home later and immediately asked about him. He'd been alive when she'd left hours earlier. She said, "Oh crap." I'd just missed seeing him alive one last time. It's no use thinking of what could have been. What is, is. Baby was probably my favorite. He was the baby of two of my other gerbils, easily the most healthy gerbil I've ever had. The most tame. The cutest! The most personality. (Gerbils do have personalities!) Baby lived a long life, more than 4 1/2 years. I'd just taken pictures of him because I was afraid he'd die. I asked my mom to take care of the body. I'm still not grown-up enough to do it myself. She brought him down in some plastic bags and sprinkled baking soda inside. I heard his little body thud in the garbage can outside. I didn't want to bury him because our dogs would likely dig him up. :( I'm looking for replacement gerbils now.

Even though I'm at my mom's house full of good food I made Ramen noodles. It was the best bowl of Ramen ever, except what is "Oriental flavor"? I don't think I understand. Sometimes Ramen is the answer for a grieving soul, I guess. My mom was watching Desperate Housewives as I ate the Ramen in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure that show is my biggest nightmare. Being a desperate housewife sounds so sad on so many levels.

I'm scared of tomorrow.

2007 finished

2007-12-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

Now I'm back in Austin.

The usual Christmas Eve/Christmas/birthday celebration has passed. This year was similar to all the others except my dad cooked a new dish as part of his annual Christmas Eve "Seven Kinds of Fish Italian Dinner". Red peppers stuffed with rice and sardines and bits of their bones and some other stuff. Another first...this year my sister woke up Christmas morning throwing up all over the place. We all sat downstairs opening presents while she repeatedly swallowed to keep it down. (Food poisoning likely, but not from my dad's food.) My parents' divorce changed the holidays only slightly. My dad was still around on Christmas morning. My mom's boyfriend came over for Christmas dinner and my dad ate with some friends. My sister stayed upstairs in bed.

Now I'm 22. But I don't really feel like I have an age anyway. Physically I'm sure I look different than I did when I was 8, 14, 17, whatever; mentally I feel like the way I think and process things is mostly the same. Since I got to college I matured in a particular way, just by dealing with and experiencing different things. My maturation is also manifesting itself in the form of white and gray hairs. I am becoming increasingly worried about the silvery veins poking out every time I part my hair. For my birthday dinner I chose to eat at Nit Noi, a Thai restaurant my family's been going to before we even moved to Houston. We eat there for birthdays almost every year. We drove to Rice Village and right where Nit Noi was, there was a giant blank piece of land. We thought maybe we were in the wrong place, but they totally tore down the whole building the restaurant was in. I couldn't believe it. Luckily Thai Spice was close so we decided to be adventurous and try something new. Thai Spice was excellent also. Later that night I went out with friends to a couple of bars and then to dance.

A few days ago I moved back to Austin. I'm now living in a house north of campus. It's so huge. I've never lived anywhere with so much space to myself. I chose to live in the attic so I have very oddly shaped bedroom that overlooks both the front and backyard. There are six windows. I'm so excited to get all my stuff in here and make it look like more than a wooden room. It's hard for me to integrate into the rest of the house though. When I'm at home I usually just hang around upstairs since my room is so big and since there's another even bigger attic room across the stairway. I'm a little anxious about living with other people just since I've never really done it.

Tonight is New Year's. After so many nights of partying I want to see if I have anything left in me. I'm feeling really lazy and run down during the day. I'm not really getting much done. I've been worried about certain stuff and it's distracting me a lot. My room being in disarray is causing me to allow the rest of my life to get more out of control. My state of mind has been weird since I got back from Spain.

I don't have any resolutions for 2008. I'm just hoping for an exciting and somewhat successful year. I don't really know what to expect since a lot will depend on my summer plans. To think that this year I will probably get my first job...is crazy. However, after the past year of moving around and traveling and being pushed into new experiences at any time, I feel more prepared. I guess, if anything, I want to keep the generally optimistic and satisfied feeling I had for most of 2007. I think this past year was one of my better ones. A lot of really good things happened and even some bads, but the bad things I learned from. I felt like I found my place this year, at UT and in Spain. I met so many new people in 2007. I feel like I grew up a little more this year. I'm still waiting to see exactly how/if I was changed by my time in Spain.

Right now I just don't know about many things. I'm not sure that I want to.

It's Saturday night in Houston and I'm home before 2AM.

2007-12-22T23:29:00.001-08:00

Juno.

I just saw that movie and I approve. It was a happy story without being lame and there was a type of humor that I could appreciate. Ellen Page was believable. I never once thought about her as Ellen Page, rather as Juno. It seems weird she'd be a different character in another movie. The beginning reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite for a few minutes. I didn't like that and got worried. I don't usually like Jennifer Garner (maybe it's the dimples) and her character in this movie was irritating, but she also did a good job with the part. I think the characters are what made this movie worth seeing. Usually movies about pregnancy are completely unappealing to me. I never saw "Knocked Up"--a movie about accidental pregnancy doesn't seem to fit into the comedy genre, at least not to me. But this one was okay.

I painted my nails red. Finally. I don't know how or why I was in Spain for four months without any red polish. Red's always been my favorite. I remember my grandma asking me what color she should paint my nails when I was about seven and I asked for bright red. She told me it was "too much" for me. I guess she wanted me to pick pink or something. Her's were always red or clear. And really long. I was jealous.

Time to sleep, I think. Ever since getting back my sleep schedule has annoyingly normalized. I get tired around 1AM and can't sleep past 9:30AM. I hate it. I don't know if I should fight it or hold onto it for the upcoming semester.

And my room is SO MESSY. I feel like I can't function. It's like my suitcases blew up in my room and then I gave up and threw everything around some more. It's unmanageable clutter to the point I can't figure out how to fix it. I decided I would just move a bunch of stuff to Austin in a week and try to clean when I come back for another load. Right now there is just too much to know. I'm going to live like a disorganized person for a week. I'm guessing it'll either drive me totally crazy or make me a better person. Maybe both.

Back in Houston

2007-12-22T09:55:00.001-08:00

Everything is familiarly different. I can't stop comparing it to Spain. I'm even starting to annoy my own self. I wonder how long this is going to continue before I force myself to stop. Right off the plane I was greeted by the muggy weather. Later that day I went to pick up my car from the mechanic. In the dirt and pine needles I noticed bottle caps of American beers. I notice the people here look so different; they dress so different. Driving feels like a video game. I know I should be scared but it's fun to go so fast. I hadn't really been in a car for four months.

Houston is boring me. I want to go out and walk around but there doesn't seem to be anywhere to go. Everything requires too much driving and money. I've resorted to sitting around on the computer half dressed. Taking too many showers because there's nothing better to do. Today I watched a melodramatic telenovela to see if I could understand anything. Actually, I can, and it's even trashier than I imagined. I'm going to try to get hooked on one to cling to my Spanish listening skills.

I want to go to the theater and watch movies in English.

I'm wondering what I should do with this blog. If I should re-title it or start a different, more permanent blog. I have no desire to return to the LiveJournal world.

In news related to my life in Texas, I found out that I was accepted for an internship at KXAN in Austin this spring. It will be my last internship in Austin and my last chance to gather material for my resume tape. Definitely no blogging this time. As my dad says, "Cut the blogging, start the reporting." Haha, good advice probably. I also found out I got to the second round for the internship program I am applying for in the New York City this summer. I came really close to getting it last summer, but got cut after phone interviews. Hopefully this year I have better luck. Though it'll mean quitting my Spanish major and probably having to live in Houston with my mom for a little bit while I look for a job this fall. Whatever...it's all too much in the future. I need to do what I want to do right now.

Final Daze

2007-12-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

My last week was characterized by trying to study for finals, trying to shop for Christmas and trying to absorb as much as I could before I had to leave.

School is different in Spain because until finals, there isn't any sort of evaluation of your progress. Your final exam is essentially your grade for the class. The professors don't explain much. Luckily, they seem to cut foreign students a bit of a break. Notes were sometimes allowed to be used, they were lax about how well you write and it is rumored that they actually don't fail anyone. After taking six essay tests I was pretty worn out and tired of writing in Spanish. My best accomplishment of the semester was getting a 9/10 on a paper for my hardest class. It was the paper I wrote about in this blog, about the "Bella Durmiente" on the airplane. My teacher told me I did so well and I actually felt proud because I worked really hard.

At the end of the week Andrew came to Barcelona. The first night he was overtaken by sickness and some readjustment, but by the second night things had improved. We walked forever. In the cold. Through the Gothic Quarter, to the beach, along a big road. For some reason everything seemed mistimed that night. By the time we wanted to go to some bars, they were all closed. Then there were only clubs, but my level of inebriation was insufficient. The cold got colder. I think it was the coldest European night I'd experienced and it took almost until the next morning for my ten frozen fingers to thaw.

Saturday was when I introduced Andrew to Carrefour, my favorite supermarket ever. In a way, it's nothing too special, they have them all over Europe, but I think it's fabulous. We walked along Passieg de Gracia past Gaudi's famous buildings and then finally up Diagonal to his masterpiece Sagrada Familia. For some reason I didn't feel like I appreciated it as much as I should have. On the walk home we saw a drunk man with a bottle of booze rummaging through trash cans on Passieg de Gracia. I can appreciate that--he looked like he was having a good time.

Later that night I met Megumi's parents and her best friend who were also in town visiting. We had tapas with them. Megumi's parents were really nice people...with lovable eccentricities. It was interesting to meet the people I'd heard so much about all semester. Then we went to L'Ovella Negra for sangria...minus parents. Finally Andrew and I headed to Razzmatazz for what I hoped would be a noche loca. Razzmatazz was mostly what it was cracked up to be. I'd been there once before, but only for the Air concert. This time it was crowds of dancers and loud music. Five rooms of it. I tried to find my friends there but it was impossible. It's probably one of the more hazy nights of my time in Barcelona, but I'm absolutely sure I had fun. I remember sitting on the balcony looking over one of the bigger rooms with so many lights and smoke and people. Then I had to become a part of it. I didn't feel particularly tired when we left that morning but I think I started to lose the battle on the way home in the Metro. I don't actually remember exactly how and when I fell asleep that night.

Sunday was lazy obviously. I had to say goodbye to Megumi that night. It was sad but I didn't cry. Monday we went to Parc Güell. I'd been there before right after I got to Barcelona, but somehow had missed a lot of it. The time I entered in the correct place and saw all the sights. We walked up to one of the highest points to get a view of the city and encountered a half knocked down graffitied wall. There was a ledge where we sat and ate my very last bocadillo de Ana. The moment was especially tasty. One of my fondest memories of the semester. Then a stupid growling child came up out of the brush. What a little beast. :) We walked around until it got cold and dark that night. I bought a chocolate bar at Carrefour. I was totally out of money. Luckily that night was API's goodbye dinner. I was treated to small portions of delicious food with my friends. We took pictures, talked, recounted memories and tried to be warm. We all went to L'Ovella Negra together afterwards. I ran through the rain trying to meet phoneless Andrew and my red boots stained my feet to look like they were diseased. I discovered the red blotches later that night.

Tuesday was my final day. I almost wanted it to end faster so I could get the sadness over with. I finished my Christmas shopping and went to La Boqueria with Andrew. My final time I started wishing I'd gone there more often. It was ridiculously close to my house but I spent too much time in Carrefour instead, I suppose. I ate lunch with Ana and presented her with a gift...a picture of the three of us in a wood frame. We washed the dishes together. It was beginning to end. I packed all my things after lunch until everything was sealed up into four bags. That night Andrew and I ate gelato and watched his ugly flavor slide down the street after he dumped it so I could eat the cone. I chose winning flavors: Nutella and Dulce de Leche. We went to Antiquari and sat in the empty underground and finally made it to a jazz club where some of my friends were waiting. It's the weirdest thing hearing Spanish men sing like American men. Most people ended up at Ovella again (ugh) including us but only because I needed to say goodbye. I cried a little. Oh! I hoped it wouldn't happen and I'm not sure why it had to, but they were real tears of sadness. Thinking back over how amazing the whole semester was still makes my eyes well. Even while unpacking my bags, it seems like some kind of weird dream that happened. I returned home to get my bags and said bye to Ana. It was such a rush I don't think I allowed myself to be sad again.

The way home was fine, but annoying. Being on a plane for 9.5 hours is never pleasant. The plane was full of Texas people. I was hoping to hold onto Europe at least until I stepped on American soil, but it wasn't happening. The men behind me at the gate in Amsterdam were so Texas businessmen. When I got to Houston I found out that my luggage was still in Amsterdam. I finally got it last night.

Should be studying.

2007-12-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

Really, I should be. However, two years of mostly journalism classes have ruined me in that way. I got too used to turning in projects and stories instead of taking tests.

I have one week left here.

I think I'm going to "miss" my flight. Though that's probably a bad idea...my dad would kill me. I do want to stay in Barcelona but right now I need to go back home, graduate, get my life in order and figure out a feasible way to get myself back over here. Before I'm too old to enjoy this city.

This past weekend I went to Berlin and Prague with Megumi. The cities were a lot different than many of the other places I've visited. There was a certain austerity to them. Remnants of their communist past perhaps.

Thoughts:

*Brno, Czech Republic is hardcore. And they have an Interspar train. Probably the scariest form of transportation I've ever encountered.

*Prague is beautiful, just as everyone says. However. The city seems polished for tourists. I'm sure if you were to venture out past the popular part of the city it would be much different. Even within the city center there were parts that just looked...so gray and concrete.

*Megumi and I have decided guys from the U.S. are highly undesirable. (For me...I can make exceptions sometimes.) We met these guys staying in our hostel and all they talked about was going out at night and getting wasted and buying overpriced absinthe. They lack a certain sense of class. They have a way with words and a tone of voice that seems like they're trying too hard to be apathetic. The second night a Brazilian guy joined the mix. We instantly liked him more. He seemed genuine and interesting. He could talk to us about things other than alcohol. There are always exceptions, true, but many American guys need to get it together a little more.

*The Prague castle is hard to figure out. We were never sure we were there. I think we were.

*My Europe guidebook says that "40 years of culinary isolation and centralization under the Communists allowed few innovations in Czech cuisine." Megumi and I beg to differ. Maybe the food isn't innovative, but it was delicious enough for us! Right after we got to Prague we tried these things called trdlo. It's a pastry that's baked around a giant rod. They pull it off the rod (with a big hole in the middle) and it's coated with a glaze of sugar, almonds and cinnamon. It's so warm and yummzzzz. There is also goulash..it's like a beef stew with dumplings. The food is so cheap and it's all warm. I'm sure also very unhealthy.

*It gets too dark too early in that part of the world. The sun shouldn't set at 4:30PM.

*Our second day in Prague we had an adventure at the train station because we were trying to acquire tickets to Berlin. I had already looked up the train we wanted to take. I was trying to explain to the ticket counter man that we needed to go to Berlin through the company Eurocity. He told me that Eurocity wasn't a city. Ugh! Yeah, obviously. "One ticket to Eurocity, please." Luckily we figured it out.

*The train ride to Berlin was gorgeous. The landscape in Czech Republic looks more run down than Germany. I'm just saying. They're both way prettier than Texas' landscape though. I'm such a geographical snob.

*Berlin was tough. It's the toughest city I've ever been to. The language, the people, the food, the history, the buildings, the nightlife, the weather. Everything about that place is SO intense. Megumi and I had a motto for the trip: Prague es suerte y Berlin es fuerte. (Prague is lucky and Berlin is strong.) ((We did have good luck in Prague.))

*Our main problem in Berlin was that we were supposed to CouchSurf with this guy Udi, from Brooklyn. Udi told us we could stay with him. We texted and called him once we got there. No response. Then I got online to send him a message through the web site. He was coming back from a trip in NYC so I thought maybe he'd run into delays. That night we never heard back from him. My friend's Europe guidebook which I am borrowing saved our life! We found a hostel in there, walked with our luggage in the freezing cold and they gave us a room. The next day we checked to see if Udi wrote back. Nothing! Then we saw that he'd last logged in from Berlin, so he was back and just ignoring us! Ugh UDI! From that point on, every time we toasted we toasted to Udi's demise. I wished that he'd get punched in his glasses and that his bike (if he has one) would get in a crash and then his girlfriend (if he has one) would dump him. All in the same day. I don't wish anything too terrible upon him, but he really screwed up our time in Berlin. The second night we arranged a plan to stay out all night. Everything was fine until Megumi got too tired after dinner. We went to the airport in the middle of the night and slept there. The best part was when we got off the S-Bahn at the airport stop. Megumi chased down the conductor because it was so dark and scary she thought we were at the wrong stop. He yelled to us that it was right as the train was pulling away. We walked underground and then along this long sidewalk to the airport entrance. We saw a fox! WTF? Megumi likes to recall that we went on that "scary airport walk where we almost got eaten by a fox." It wasn't quite that bad, but close.

*I want to return to Berlin when the weather is nicer. I am fascinated by Berlin's history. I want to read more about it before I go back.

*Prenzlauerburg is cute.

*I had the strongest drink of my life in Berlin. I also had absinthe. The strongest drink was actually a White Russian that I could barely sip without making a face. The absinthe had no effect. I think I am immune somehow.

*German people are very much how I imagined them to be.

*Sunday I was in three cities in one day. Woke up in Berlin, ate dinner in Nice, France and went to bed in Barcelona.

*Nice was nice, but I think it's too posh. I developed the worst headache of my existence while I was there and I think it ruined the experience a little.

*We saw the craziest man ever while we were waiting for the bus back to the Nice Airport. He was dancing to Justice vs. Simian "Never Be Alone" on the edge of the promenade while wearing leather pants and a vest. He had long hair. His dancing was totally spastic. Everyone would quietly walk by him in fear. It was cold outside. There wasn't a shirt under his vest. Crazy...dancerz.

So that's my trip. Those were my trips. I think it'll be awhile before I get to do much more traveling because I'm so broke. Worth every penny.

I'm only spending money on "fun" and presents while I'm here for the next week.

Tomorrow Andrew is coming. A part of my Texas life is crossing with my Barcelona life. I'm really excited. It'll be nice to share what I've known here with someone from home. :)

I hope my last week is happy, fun, wild and full of smiles. I am going to try not to cry on Monday night when API has the goodbye dinner and I have to say bye to everyone. I'm going to try not to cry when I have to say bye to Megumi when she leaves with her parents to tour the rest of Spain. I'm going to try not to cry when I have to leave Ana. I'm going to try not to cry when I pack my stuff up and leave my room. I'm going to try not to cry when I walk through the Gothic Quarter streets on the way to the bus. I'm going to try not to cry when I see Barcelona from my plane window and know that this experience is over.

This semester has shown me that life is beautiful.

OMGzzzzz... (a combination of being excited and tired)

2007-12-03T17:19:00.000-08:00

I think I'm fluent enough in Spanish. I can speak. Más o menos. I'm far from being perfect or having any sort of accent but I can talk to people in Spanish without having a huge problem. Necesito gente para practicar conmigo en los EEUU.

Megumi y yo vamos a Praga y Berlin mañana...er, muy temprano por la mañana de miercoles. No puedo creer que voy al este de Europa. Deseo que busquemos algunos castillos en nuestra viaje, pero pienso que es casi imposible. No pasa nada. ¡Estoy emocionante!

Nada más ahora...estoy MUY MUY MUY cansada. Es un poco mal para salir en los lunes. Demasiado bebidas, pero bueno para dormir. Buenas noches.

Gritting my teeth. Loving Air.

2007-12-01T15:28:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling sidetracked by preocupaciones right now. I could say I did something stupid, but rather I feel like I'm having bad luck. It's Saturday night and I should be out but everyone is gone this weekend to other countries. Since I'm not out I should be writing a critical essay of Almodovar's "Volver" or finishing the application for the NYC internship that's due tomorrow night. Stupid school and internships seem completely insignificant right now anyway. Megumi and I are leaving for Prague on Wednesday morning and we still haven't figured out how we're getting from Prague to Berlin. This could be a problem. I guess it'll be the adventure of travel.

Last night I went to see Air. Another amazing concert. I almost missed it. I hate getting to concerts too early, so I left our flat at about 9PM and got to Razzmatazz at about 9:30. Only 5-10 minutes after I got there Air came on stage and started their set. I had a pretty crappy view, but it was sufficient. I really liked the lights they used. There was a sparkly star background with twinkling lights and then a big light box thing in the back that would change colors. Then the lights hanging from above changed colors a lot and spread out in rays. It sounded much different live...not really in a bad way, just in a different way. I think I appreciate more how they make their music after seeing them live. They played all of the favorites and surprisingly few from Pocket Symphony. Nicolas Godin was cool. He seems like the kind of guy you'd want to hang out with. Or at least I would. For some reason I thought they wouldn't play La Femme D'argent because it's so long, but they make it their last and it was WONDERFUL. The ending to that song was so almost orgasmic. I have always said that some of Air's music is probably the sexist I've ever heard. I feel like if a band could represent me I'd pick Air, but not because I think I'm sexy, haha. It's something about the sound and the variety of upbeat versus more mellow sounds. Their music always sounds so flowy and nicely put together, but it's a little off kilter in a way. A good fusion of melodies and harsher beats.

Megumi's back from Amsterdam so perhaps we'll go out for some fun.

It's the dull ache in my stomach, my clammy hands and the tormenta en mi mente. Ugh.

¿No soy guiri?

2007-11-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

I am in the midst of writing a paper about "El Avión de la Bella Durmiente" by Gabriel García Márquez. I'll be glad to take a break from literature in Spanish, but I'll have to start up again as soon as the spring semester starts. This story isn't as unappealing as a lot of the other stuff I've read. The vocabulary isn't too bad, the story is from modern times (not 500 years ago) and it's a simple plot. This man sees a pretty young woman while waiting for his flight from Paris to New York. He describes her and seems obsessed with her beauty. Meanwhile there is a snowstorm that prevents them from leaving. Finally they board the plane and he sits by her expecting...I don't really know...to talk to her and propose marriage (well maybe not that). She immediately falls asleep before he can even say anything to her. And she sleeps the WHOLE way to New York. He's looking at her the whole time and thinking of her beauty. Then they land and she gets up and leaves and he never knows anything of her. In some of the analysis I read, they describe the girl as cold and only concerned about herself. I think they give her a hard time. Why is it such a big deal if you get on a plane, fall asleep and then get off without saying "bye" to the creepy older man sitting next to you? Maybe I lost something in translation, but it seems unfair to me.

The narrator also describes something that he had read about previously. Apparently the upper-class men of Kyoto would pay enormous sums to pass the night with the most beautiful girls of the city. The young women were naked and on drugs, while the men were agonizing of love in the same bed. The men couldn't touch or anything because the essence of pleasure was to see them sleeping.

¡Que raro! Is he talking about geishas, or were geishas something different?

Last night I cried a little before I fell asleep because I was listening to music. First a song came on that I heard a lot over the summer, then another song came on that I've only listened to since I've been here. Both songs represent a specific time of my life so well and they both sounded so good. The moral of the story is that I don't want to leave, while at the same time kind of wanting to go home. I feel so confused.

This past weekend was pretty fun. It made me regret not spending more weekends in Barcelona...though seeing Europe is also pretty important. Saturday morning I went to the Penedès Region with API to do a cava tour thing. I almost missed the bus because I overslept, which I NEVER do! Luckily I live close to our meeting spot, so I made it just in time. The tour was kind of boring actually. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and my family used to tour breweries in Wisconsin because my dad liked learning about beer. Then he started home-brewing and our whole house would smell like a brewery with my dad as the mad scientist working the controls, haha. Tasting cava was the best part, but mostly because I was so hungry and thirsty. It's a bit funny that the last thing I'd had to drink the night before was strawberry margarita and then I wake up and drink cava at 11AM. We were able to see Montserrat in the distance from the windowed tasting room.

Later that night Megumi and I went out to celebrate our weekend in Barcelona. We visited what we claim is our favorite bar "Q-Bar" and then went to another place to have Claras. I don't know if Claras exist in the US, but they should. It's beer mixed with tonic of lemon or lemon soda. It's girly for sure, but good. Finally we made it to Apolo, where we had to pay 13 euros to get in. The entrance fees to clubs here are ridiculous. Most are usually around 10 euros, the really popular ones can be more. Usually a drink is included. Some clubs offer free entrance with fliers, but those clubs usually suck or are meant for tourists. It's not as bad as Paris/London where they can be the equivalent of 25-40USD for entrance. Apolo was fun. It's seemed the least touristy of the places I've been, the music was decent (electronic/house), and the dance floor was giant. We went up to the balcony around the floor and looked down...there were so many people! It's what I imagined a European club to be like. From the balcony we spotted a girl in the very front with a bright blue wig, so we made it our mission to go dance with her. We got close and then her friend with a crazy spiky black wig and white hipster sunglasses offered me some of his drink. I was terrified that it probably had 500 types of drugs in it so I declined and told him I liked his hair instead. We left some time around 5:30AM. Things were still going strong. We wanted to go watch the sunrise at the beach (as we'd wanted to do about 15 times before) but as soon as I sat down on my bed I was out for the night.

Sunday I got up and ate lunch, then Megumi and I went out for tea at the cafe down the street since it's so cold in our house. Later I went for stroll around Born with my friend to practice my Spanish and his English. I think it's best to learn with someone who knows about as much of your language as you do of theirs. It's also good to learn with someone who's firm enough to force you to speak in Spanish. I've met many people with whom I can practice my Spanish, but it's always hard if the person knows English well enough because then the conversation always turns into English anyway. Right now I'm feeling irritated because I know I'm at a crucial point in my acquisition of fluency and I have to go home. If I were to continue living here for another 3-4 months, I think I'd be mostly fluent. Things are starting to "click" in terms of speaking, the way they once "clicked" in terms of writing. I'm so worried that I'm going to leave and lose my ability to speak at all. I have to find more people to practice with when I get back home.

Brrrr....I was definitely given the coldest room in our house.

2007-11-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

Barcelona... !!! **** :) :) :) <3 <3 <3

¡Que mágico!

No puedo regrasar a los EEUU. Hay demasiado aquí que me gusta mucho.

Ahora, tengo un corazón lleno, fuerte, explosivo y feliz. Quiero compartirlo con el mundo.

Esta es, sin duda, el mejor experiencia de mi vida.

La vida sin viajes

2007-11-23T17:56:00.000-08:00

What I'm enjoying:
Bright colors
Mix and match
Art
Amélie
Preparations for Christmas
Bread with oil and salt
Toasty cheeks
Reality

What's irking me:
Conjugating verbs
Flash on cameras
Short fingernails
Unnecessary use of highlighters in class
The twitch in my right eye
People hocking loogies
Profs who lectures too long

--------

So, I really miss Mexican food. I don't even eat it that often in Texas. It always seems so heavy; I don't ever crave it much. There's a Mexican place here but it's gotten mixed reviews. I don't want to waste my time. I also miss pasta. Yesterday I went out to lunch with friends and all I wanted was a big bowl of pasta. I ordered one, but it didn't hit the spot. I'm waiting to eat a huge plate at my dad's when I get back.

Going back home...it's coming up so fast. I think about it every day. I definitely want to be back, but not for too long. I want to see the people I miss and then return to Barcelona, but I know it doesn't work like that. I think the first month back will be nice and then I'll start missing what I have known here. On the other hand, it's possible that I just want to return to a normal style of living. I feel like here I know what I'm doing is temporary. It's been harder to really form true bonds with people for fear of saying goodbye at a predetermined date. I did the same thing, in a way, in Texas before I came here because I knew I'd be gone for a decent amount of time. It's all to protect myself, but sometimes I feel like it's not getting me anywhere. I look forward to having my own place again, being with friends again, living in a place where I speak the language fluently, having days where I don't feel guilty for laying around doing nothing, being able to drive home to see my family and focusing on my career after graduation. Even the simple things...sometimes I miss walking down Guadalupe, grocery shopping and cooking a meal, going downtown in Austin, running into people I know with some frequency...I don't have to miss it for much longer. The best way to look at it: at least I'm not going to be immediately depressed upon my arrival to Texas. I'm going to have to return to living with the future in mind. Living here is only about the present.

This week since I've been back I've been trying to experience Barcelona more. Tuesday I ventured up Montjuïc to go to Fundació Joan Miró. Miró was an abstract/surreal/Dada artist from the 20th century. He was from Cataluña/Islas Baleares. His museum houses much of his work plus special exhibitions. Even before I came to Europe, and especially since I've been here, I really like paintings of nudes. I've thought about starting some kind of collection, but I'm generally too poor to buy a bunch of art and I don't exactly have the space to collect many things at this point in my life. Anyway, the special exhibition was called "Un cos sense límits" which translates to "The body without limits". It was mostly an exhibition of nudes with art by Picasso, Matisse, Miró, Basquiat, Braque and Magritte, plus a bunch more I didn't recognize as much. My favorite was a piece by Egon Schiele, but I can't find a reproduction of it anywhere. It was really interesting to look at two pieces side by side, one might be really abstract, like a Picasso, and another might be totally realistic. I try to imagine how these artists interpret the bodies they're recreating and how the bodies would look in real life.

The rest of the museum was cool, too. Miró's work is a bit too abstract for my personal tastes, though I enjoyed looking at it. My favorite was called "May 1968" just because of the feeling I got from it.

Later that night I went to a concert with Megumi and her Swiss friend from class. He'd met the performers at a party the previous weekend. First it was a Japanese woman who sang with a keyboard...though we missed most of it. Then there were two guys who were like DJs except their music was really calm. It was mostly all electronic and made with their Macs. Then there was a projector with distorted video clips from Japan. It was hip to the max. I really liked the way the club looked inside. After the concert we went out with another Swiss and some Germans.

Another day I saw Sagrada Familia for the first time. I'd seen the spires from a distance, but I'd never been close enough to see the whole thing. It was impressive, but I want to return later to go inside to the top. The batteries in my camera were dead anyway.

I've been trying to go out more at night since I'm less tired and not traveling as much. I still can't say I know what my favorite bars or clubs are. I suppose I have preferences, but there are so many of them here it's impossible to know what might really be the best. What a horrible task...visiting all these bars and clubs! :)

Full steam ahead.

Without a British acc(id)ent.

2007-11-21T11:41:00.001-08:00

I don't regret worrying about my trip to London. If I hadn't been so scared, I wouldn't have prepared myself as much and without the proper preparations I'd probably run into many problems. My hostel was very far away from the center of London. It took about 45 minutes by Tube/bus. Before I left my host mom's daughter (who used to live there) told me there were a lot of "rappers" in Deptford. It ended up being fine. I met people from Canada and New Zealand with such interesting travel stories to tell.

The Arcade Fire on Saturday night: best concert of my life so far. Before this I thought The Strokes, Radiohead and Coldplay were the best live bands I'd seen. They're still high on my list, but I was so excited about this particular concert. Perhaps the circumstances are what made me enjoy it so much. A friend of mine told me that when he travels the happy moments are always happier and the bad moments are always worse. I found out the day before I left for London that Clinic (another band I like) would be opening. I got there right as they started their set, but it was really short. I saw one of the band members shaking his head, so maybe there was some problem. Truthfully, Clinic's performance was forgettable. While I was waiting for Arcade Fire I couldn't stop fidgeting and bobbing around. I was too excited to stand still. The venue was a really big room with high ceilings, quite nice inside. I was able to get close...the front row was a possibility, but it would have taken some pushing. Which is a huge difference between shows in Texas and shows in London. If you push through the crowd in London people get really mad. They stare and will say something if you don't move quickly. I didn't want to risk it. Here's just a clip of the concert. It's the best quality I could find. I took some of my own videos but my digital camera cannot handle the sound of Arcade Fire.

They covered Age of Consent by New Order. It was pretty amazing. I think being alone in a city I have no ties to enabled me to let go even more. I was singing and dancing along to all the songs...in a crowd of unknowns. I felt so free. I honestly didn't care at all because I would never see those people again. After that show, I would have paid another 100USD to go again the next night. It was that good. I've never wanted an encore so bad. It took me two hours to get back to the hostel. Right before I decided to sleep I put in my headphones. The only music I could choose was The Arcade Fire. I had no appetite for anything else. I listened...realized they are actually better live. Quite an accomplishment. I listened...and looked out the window from my top bunk, seeing the little cars swerving in the roundabout below. It had the look of coldness, London coldness. I knew I'd never forget that moment and how completely and totally satisfied I felt.

I saw many of the sights in London, but they didn't compare to walking around in some of the neighborhoods. Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace, changing of the guard, St. James Park, Piccadilly Circus, Oxford Street, Trafalgar Square, The British Museum, riding a double decker bus--I saw/did it. (Though I didn't see the big cathedral or the Tower of London...don't care.) It was great to see all that stuff but my favorite places were Notting Hill on Saturday afternoon and Brick Lane on Sunday morning.

Notting Hill is basically a super cute, super hip neighborhood in West London. They have a huge market in the street on Portobello Road. Imagine a market of Whole Foods but much better and more international. Then add a market of clothes and furniture and anything else you can imagine. It was fabulous...and a little rainy. We sat and drank English tea from the balcony of a restaurant. Then I bought the best cupcake of my life and ate it in the streets. The houses are pastel colors! Kind of sick, but really sweet.

Brick Lane is in the East End. It's "Charles Dickens' London" and also where Jack the Ripper killed. Right now it's a predominately Bangladeshi area, very ethnic. They also have a big market on Sunday morning. The area is known for its excellent curry, though I was too poor and it was too early for curry. I did find a little bakery with a huge line. I stood in line and ordered the best bagel ever. It was all really cheap, for London. On my way back to the Tube station I walked past a guy dressed just like a Charles Dickens character, except this guy was totally some London hipster dude. I thought it was funny that the area gets known as being Dickens-y, then gains fame for being so ethnic and then as it becomes gentrified the people end up dressing like Dickens characters anyway. Maybe then the hipsters will start dressing like Bangladeshis. Who knows? Then I walked past a few puddles of left over vomit from the night before. Vomit is so common in the streets here. I think there is a positive correlation between how fun a neighborhood is on Saturday night and how much vomit is in the streets Sunday morning.

When I left on Sunday night it was snowing. I thought London was magical because of that. More logically, I was glad to leave because I don't think I was prepared to handle snowy London.

Right now it's surprisingly warm in Barcelona. I have two weeks of vacation in this city now. Two weeks to take care of everything I haven't done yet. Two weeks to prepare finals. Two weeks to go to as many fiestas as possible. I feel some sort of life progress. I don't mind eating stale bread, I speak broken Spanish without reservation and I'm preaching my faulty life philosophy to strangers.

Everything in life is amplified right now. It's a brilliance I've only known for brief moments in the States. I don't know how I'm going to maintain my mental health when I return to a life in washed out colors.

What's possibly the biggest letdown about Spain?

2007-11-15T09:28:00.000-08:00

The gum here sucks.

Every American realizes it. "Sticks" of gum don't exist at all. Everything comes as those fat little rectangular type pieces. They all lose their flavor really fast, none of them have real sugar in them, the flavors are mostly weird fruity combinations and the boxes come with less than ten pieces in them. The two main brands are either Trident or Orbitz, that's it. It's not even cheap for such a crappy product. I'm going to chew so much gum when I get home.

I'm starting to get exhausted from all the traveling. I really wish I'd scheduled my London trip for one weekend later. I'm not prepared to go and I'm leaving in less than a day. I have this intuition something bad might happen, like I'll either lose a lot of money, or get hurt or get stuck somewhere. Quite honestly, I'm scared. On the plus side, they speak English. However, my hostel is really far away to the point where I don't think I can walk to it and it's supposed to be kind of wild which means even if I go home early (because the Metro is going to close) I probably won't be able to sleep from all the noise. I have no idea what I'm going to do there besides go to the concert. Even the concert is far away in another part of town and I'm going to be there alone. :( I think instead of worrying I'm going to try my best to prepare what I can and then wing it from there.

Last weekend I was in Paris. It was even more beautiful than I expected. I must return one day, hopefully in some time in spring when it's a little less cloudy and rainy. I've decided that I want to go to Rome, Paris and Barcelona for my honeymoon because it's probably the next chance I'll have to take an extravagant vacation. I wouldn't even care about having a nice wedding ceremony if it meant I could travel in Europe. Rome, Paris and Barcelona are all crawling with couples...it's kind of too much.

Right before we left for Paris I went over my friend's flat because we'd made plans to have a waxing party. She waxed my armpits and my screams rang out through the rooms. There were laughs interspersed because it was so funny. Waxing is so efficient but so painful. We may have a future together anyway.

Then we took a night train to Paris, we also took one home. After the trip I'd spent three of the past eight nights sleeping in trains. In Paris I saw a couple of cemetaries, the Louvre, underground catacombs, the Eiffel Tower (too many times), Arc de Triomphe, Champs Elysees, the banks of the Seine, Notre Dame, Montmartre, Moulin Rouge and Sacre-Coeur. I ended up getting really frustrated on Saturday because despite my attemps at planning and organizing my time I felt like I wasn't seeing and understanding anything. It's really important for me to understand the significance of things. Many things I just walked by or took pictures of. Other things ended up irritating me over the trip. The second night I was there my friend and I bought food from the local shops and markets to eat for dinner. After finishing we decided to take a two hour nap and wake up at midnight to get ready to go out. We never woke up and I ended up sleeping through all of our Saturday night in Paris. For me, it's really hard to find the energy to "party" when I'm traveling. I get too tired.

Montmartre was probably my favorite part of Paris. It's still technically part of Paris, but it's more like a village. It's less crowded and so beautiful. It's where they filmed Amélie. So close to there is the street Clichy where they have so many sex shops and sex shows and hookers (though I didn't see them). It's the street where Moulin Rouge is located. It wasn't cute at all and my eyes were burning from all the naked pictures all over the shops windows. It was raining when I went inside Notre Dame. After I came out I was trying to explore a little bit in the really old part of Paris but it started pouring. I got stuck in the storm and wasted 15 minutes standing in a little door stoop by myself with a soggy coat. The Louvre was nice, but I think I enjoyed the Met (in NYC) a little more. I've seen so much art over here. I think I'm forming an even deeper appreciation for art musuems. I regret that I didn't eat a crepe while in Paris. Everyone seemed shocked. I'd had crepes before, are they really that different in France? I guess I'll have another chance to eat French crepes in December. On our way back to Spain the French trains workers were about to go on strike. Our train arrived in Barcelona at 8AM, the same time they started striking. We were really lucky. The other API group had their trip cancelled because there aren't trains to Paris anymore. They're all really really upset, understandably. It's too late for API to book plane tickets for everyone. They're trying to reschedule but most people already had other trips planned. They're not refunding any money, which seems like a bad idea.

Three things that get on my nerves about photos:
-Flash. I hate it. I hate when people use it unnecessarily.
-When people crop other people out of pictures for profile pictures. I would be sad if I was the cropped out person, wouldn't you?
-When people don't use the rule of thirds when they're taking a picture of someone in a location. Or when the person is angled so they're facing out of the frame.

It just irks me.

A few weeks ago my host mom's dog died, while I was in Sevilla. She's been pretty sad because Nuba was like her child. Sometimes it's weird to come home without the dog here. Her daughter is asking for a cat, but Ana keeps explaining that she doesn't want any more pets right now. It makes me think of my Baby. I miss him!

I've also decided, besides the European honeymoon, that if by some chance I ever have kids...I need to raise them in Europe. I feel like they'll turn out better. I'd be able to take them on more educational vacations, they'd learn other languages, and probably have a better understanding of the world, not just America. This could all be done easily if I marry a European. I'd get dual citizenship. There are such differences between European and American guys. Basically I think European men are more chivalrous and open with their affection but less dedicated to any one person. In contrast American men treat women casually and are more closed with their emotions but they seem to devote themselves to one person more readily.

Hopefully my next update will be about my London adventure. If I make it back.

El Sur

2007-11-08T03:12:00.000-08:00

I got back on Monday.

GRANADA

-Leaving the house at 4:00AM.
-Sitting in the airport shuttle thirty minutes before our flight to Granada was going to leave. Worrying that we wouldn't make it.
-Watching Pink Panther on the plane while listening to Cocteau Twins on my iPod. An interesting soundtrack.
-Sleeping in the airport for two hours because it was too early and too cold. Cricket tells me I dress like a "sassy art teacher". This is where the joke takes its roots...that I am somehow sassy.
-Arriving in Granada and meeting our CouchSurfing host. Sleeping in his flat for another few hours and FREEZING.
-Going out for tapas with our host. Granada is one of the only places in Spain where you actually get free tapas with a drink. I was buzzed and full for less than 6 euros. :)
-Trying to register for spring classes from an internet cafe that night. Ugh.
-The impromptu 80s dance party in our host's flat. With only three people in attendance.
-Walking around aimlessly in our "costumes" because it was Halloween. The cold air pinched at our faces and we eventually gave up because we were so cold and tired.
-Sleeping across the crack that joins two beds. Being uncomfortable but not caring.
-Running up the hill towards the Alhambra at 7:30AM. Sipping coffee and eating chocolate pastries in line. And then GETTING TICKETS! I forgot all of the problems in the world at that moment.
-Being in a state of amazement/awe/wonder/shock the whole time I was at the Alhambra. Touching the plaster with my hands. Trying to imagine sultans strutting around. (All I could think of were scenes from Aladdin for some reason.) Wondering how I could replicate those types of decorations in my own house one day. Walking through the gardens. Looking at the city down below. A very happy time.
-Buying wine for our host and then finding a change purse in the plaza outside. Contained 29 euros, two stamps, a lottery ticket and a safety pin. Waiting to see if someone would come claim it. No one did so we kept it and bought lunch at the bus station.
-The landscape between Granada and Sevilla. Hills covered with perfectly spaced trees. The huge yellow Spanish sun setting ahead of us.

SEVILLA

-The nicest hostel I've ever stayed at. Everything in white, marble floors and a modern bathroom. Snooty receptionists. Stupid American boys trying to hang out with us.
-Encountering a Russian girl on the street who showed us the way to Calle Alfalfa.
-Sitting in a pizza place for hours ordering more and more food. The waiter brought me two desserts by accident. Okay!
-Seeing girls from my class at UB on the street.
-Following two Spanish guys all over the city and ending up at a semi-pijo club. Realizing people in Sevilla dress way too formally for every occasion and non-occasion.
-Having to sit down on a doorstep for a few minutes to collect my stomach on the way home.
-Next day, eating huge bocadillos in Plaza Nueva with Holly while discussing our philosophies about relationships and studying abroad.
-Touring the Alcázar. It bascially reminded me of a lesser version of the Alhambra.
-My friends talking to a ridiculously drunk man from the UK for thirty minutes. It was only 6:00PM. I sat under a statue by myself because I didn't want to be associated with the shenanigans.
-Eating tapas and drinking a gross wannabe-sangria drink. Going to an Italian restaurant in what used to be a building for the Arab baths. Italian food, Moorish decor, in the heart of southern Spain. A true mezcla.
-Going to a club with lights made of fishbowls with fish swimming in them.

CÓRDOBA

-Catching the bus to Córdoba. Noticing the scenery change right before arriving in Córdoba. Wake up to a landscape that looks like a desert, with dunes made of something that wasn't sand.
-Walking through the Jewish Quarter looking for a place to eat lunch. Walk too far and end up on a main street away from the tourists. Choose a Chinese restaurant. Pretty much the same all over the world.
-Enter La Mezquita. Didn't realize how many of the red and white arches there were inside. A very contrasting mix of Muslim and Christian architecture. Parts seem completely Christian, other parts seem completely Muslim. Technically it is Christian right now. I didn't have an audio guide so it was hard to understand exactly why everything was so important.
-Buying candy at the bus station. 1.10euro for 100 grams. I got 300 grams and ate most of it on the bus ride home. Felt sick.

MORE SEVILLA

-Back in Sevilla found La Carbonería for a Flamenco show. Known to be authentic with a good mix of tourists and locals. I was convinced. Flamenco is the sassiest dance I've seen.
-Holly and I walk around the city for a couple of hours with our friend from Barcelona and his friend who studies in Sevilla. The streets and clubs are mostly empty due to the holiday.
-Weather the next morning is perfect. I buy a chocolate palma that doesn't taste fresh. We walk to Plaza España where there is a huge car show going on. From what I can tell they are all Seat 600s. (Is that a type of car?) I immediately want one. They are divine.
-We watch a poor vendor trying to hawk his cheap scarves to tourists. His wife/friend is trying to sell fans. I buy one. Not out of sympathy or pressure. Only because I want one.
-We eat tapas for a couple of hours. Cricket gets a 6.00 euro gofre (waffle). Feels ripped off, haha.
-We tour the cathedral and go to the top of the Giralda. We are exhausted. Too many sites in one weekend. I could have appreciated cathedral/Giralda a lot more than I did. Though the view from the top was superb.
-Walk around for a few more hours. Stop at a little mercado where we buy bread, drinks, fruit, pastries and other things. We sit in the plaza outside where there are people, but not too many. The weather is still perfect, the sun is about to start setting, my bread tastes amazing. We talk about all of our inside jokes from the trip: being pijas, being sassy and poop. In the midst of one of our poop talks someone loudly closes a window. I assume it was a coincidence because most people don't speak much English.
-On our way back to the center we encountered some ancient ruins right in someone's backyard.
-Picked up our luggage and went to the train station.
-While I am using the bathroom a woman tries to open my stall and I hold it shut. Then she tries to open it again and I slam it in her face. What's with people? A slamming stall door means it's occupied!
-We took the Trenhotel. Slept for many hours. The next day we all laugh because there was a woman in each of our cars and got totally undressed and went under the sheets. These crazy Spanish ladies!

Southern Spain is so different from Barcelona. After visiting some of the other cities in the country, I can definitely see why Cataluña wants/wanted to be its own entity. There's a totally different feel to Barcelona. It's much more international, the style is much more artsy and modern and the people are a bit more closed off. As I've seen graffitied so many times around here, "Cataluña is not Spain." I think Cataluña is more like Spain's cousin. They are similar but not the same. What's really begun to irritate me is when people ask why I'm trying to learn Spanish in Barcelona. Spanish IS spoken here. Catalan is prevalent on signs in the city but it's easy to understand if you know Spanish. Everything is available in Spanish and people speak to you in Spanish. I don't feel like it's any kind of disadvantage to learn Spanish here. Barcelona is still my favorite city in Spain, without a doubt.

Ramblings instead of travelings.

2007-10-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

I should really calm down with this blog but there are always a few random thoughts in my mind that I want to write down. Living here, there's always something I've noticed, even if it's just a normal day. Today my mood is frustrated. I'm not sure exactly why. I think it's related to my feeling of unproductiveness. It's been the hugest headache trying to obtain tickets to the Alhambra in Granada. Alhambra is basically the reason we're going to that city. I don't even feel like explaining the whole story because it's too annoying. I've been trying to get the tickets since last week and found out today they're sold out. Our only option now is to wait in line at 7:30AM the day we want to go. Not appealing. Ugh, I spent all weekend worrying/trying to get them and it was all for nothing. I almost had them last night but the stupid web site "couldn't complete my transaction" for whatever reason. We're getting in. I'll make sure of that.

I feel too lazy for anything right now. I think I need a siesta. There are many things I need to get done because I'm leaving in less than two days, but I feel too frustrated and tired. I keep so many lists and it's driving me nuts because nothing gets crossed off. I tried not keeping lists here. I tried! And I couldn't manage. I started forgetting important things. Lists are too much a part of me. I remember creating lists that planned out my afternoon by 15 minute intervals when I was in elementary school. My biggest accomplishment is that I stopped writing down my homework assignments. :) I feel like such a rebel.

Happier news: it is possible my Spanish is improving. I finally understand where accent marks go. I remember being totally confused about that until my second/third years of college. Now I can hear words and tell where the accents are...for the most part. I've also met some people here that speak Spanish who've told they notice my fluency has improved. But sometimes it's still really bad. Sometimes I find it impossible to communicate things to Ana. Or I just can't understand what she's telling me. And then once I get too conscious about what I'm trying to say, it's over. There's still such a disconnect between what's going on in my mind and what my mouth is doing. I hear the mistakes come out of my own lips, but I always feel so rushed to finish sentences that I keep going even if it's wrong. Then I get stopped and corrected anyway, even though I know its' wrong. My mind doesn't necessarily immediately think of stuff in Spanish, but it's always trying to translate. I'm getting too accustomed to everything in Spanish. We met some men from England on the way to the soccer game yesterday and it was so weird to speak to someone in public, strangers, not in Spanish. I think it's going to be really odd to go to London and hear so much English again.

Another thing I've gotten used to: smoking. It's not me with the cigarettes, but it doesn't bother me in the same way it once did. Smoking is widely accepted and tolerated here. It seems to be done more in moderation, like people will smoke a couple a day. I personally can't understand the reasons people start smoking and I guess they only continue because of addiction. I just don't ever want to be the old lady with yellow teeth and nails, a wrinkly face and sicknesses. In the meantime I'll continue to inhale the wafts of secondhand smoke swirling around me.

Last night's Barca game was awesome. It went by way too fast though. I'm used to watching baseball games. They crawl compared to how fast soccer matches are played. We learned who the popular players were, did some cheering, made friends with the middle-aged men nearby and left in a tizzy. Soccer fans are pretty wild, even for a low profile game. It's something I'm SO glad I did, but not something I'd do often if I lived here.

Right now I'm saying YES to:
-going to Southern Spain
-productivity
-text messages
-my new boots
-Philip Glass
-pink fingernails

And NO to:
-the pain behind my eyes
-leisure reading
-cold hands
-spending money
-the lack of Halloween in this country
-my lack of Alhambra tickets

Más mañana o más en una semana.

Up in the air.

2007-10-28T07:12:00.000-07:00

Today I was in the shower thinking about how much I love it here. I've talked to a few people who seem to think there's no reason why I couldn't just come back after I graduate. People in other parts of the world seem to pick up and leave their countries like it's nothing. I ask..."What about getting a job? What about a visa? What about money?" The answer is universally: you just get a job, start working, meeting people and you're okay. I don't know if I could do something like that, I'm too focused on exactly what I want, but would it be so bad to change my plans? Barcelona (and Europe) is messing with my head. It's seducing me in this disgusting way that makes me want to give everything up to stay here forever. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm here in fantasyland as a student without any responsibilities. If I were here as an adult with a job it would be so much different. My original point, I was in the shower thinking about how I could get over here more legitimately after graduation. I want to start considering jobs in documentary production. I want to see the world. It's so much more important than murders, house fires and car accidents. My host mom went on a fifteen minute tirade this morning about how horrible TV is. How it's making people imbeciles. I've known for awhile, and I only noticed more this summer, that I'm different than a lot of the people in the business. It's not to say I can't get along with them or that they're bad people; I'm just different. I can identify with the competitiveness, the bottom line-ness, the importance of deadlines, the love of current events. However, I can't relate to being fake with people to get what you want from them. I can't relate to annoying people who shouldn't be bothered. I feel like two things could happen if I get a job in broadcasting after graduation: I can either use my different-ness to my advantage and pass up all of the chumps on my way to the top. My other option is that I'll have to give it up if I can't fit in enough to do well in the business. I can't conform...to be the perky, cute reporter they might want me to be. I feel like I'll either do really well or really fail. If I start to fail I'm going straight to documentaries. In Europe. I might just do it anyway.

I realized I haven't driven a car in two months. I think I'll be really scared to drive when I get back. Here driving is such a procedure, it seems so difficult. I can't say I miss it at all. Though I'd still love to ride a moto around for a day.

Regretfully, we missed the sunrise again this morning. Instead I got a lovely view of the city from the top of someone's terrazza a few hours before the sunrise. I could see my building right down the street and the window of Santa Maria del Pi. Barcelona is so beautiful.

Tonight is the soccer game! WOOOOOO FCB!

AHHHHHH!

2007-10-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING TO SEE THE ARCADE FIRE IN LONDON!

I don't care that it's expensive.
I don't care the venue is in North London.
I don't care I'm going alone.

This is going to be amazing.

!!!!!!!!! :)

Arcade Fire in London

2007-10-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

I was just looking to see if any bands I know would be playing in London the weekend I'll be there. Well...The Arcade Fire.

OMG.

I can hardly believe it. Obviously I started looking for tickets immediately. Apparently they sold out within two minutes after they went on sale in June. However, I found a random person that's selling some for 50£. That's 100USD but I don't care. If I can see The Arcade Fire in LONDON my life will be complete. Here's to hoping it can happen.

(I also entered a contest to win two tickets to M.I.A. in London in December. Who knows...?)

Eating Nutella straight out of the jar...

2007-10-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

There are about six places I would like to write about that I've visited, but it seems too long and difficult to do. I am considering just uploading some pictures or just writing a brief list. I would almost rather write about the day to day things that are happening to me and how it feels to live here. It's boring, in a way, to simply recall activity after activity when traveling around.

Life in Barcelona is awesome. This is my last weekend in the city before three straight weekends of travel. Megumi and I have vowed to make it unforgettable. Friday I don't have class so I'm going to try to do something cultural like visit a museum or go to Sagrada Familia, since I still haven't been. I also want to take some pictures of my school since it'll be mostly empty and less embarrassing/annoying. Thursday and Friday night are for boys. Reluctant. Saturday Megumi is going to be Cava tasting and my other friends are going to be in Rome. I'll have a sort of free day. Maybe indulge in another cultural experience. I was thinking I could take the train to Girona for the day, but I'd rather save some money. Saturday night is our big night. Megumi and I are going somewhere really fun. We're not sure where yet, but we're buying champagne and drinking it on the beach while we watch the sunrise. If we don't become too exhausted first. Then Sunday! Today we bought tickets for a fútbol game! We're going to see Barcelona play Almeria on Sunday night. It's going to be so crazy. I'm not the type to spend money on a sporting event, but watching a fútbol game in Spain...it has to be done! Then the next week begins and I'm leaving on Wednesday morning to go to Southern Spain.

This past week my host mom's dad, Fernando, has been staying with us because his wife (my host mom's mom) is in Madrid with Carla (my host mom's daughter) to see the dentist. They've been gone since Sunday and I think they won't be back for another few days. It's strange, for a dentist he must be magic. On Tuesday Fernando cooked paella. It was so gigantic. The paella plate was as big as a large pizza. It contained at least three lobsters, clams, mussels, shrimps and squid. There were so many shells all over the place. I really like seafood, but it's much "fresher" here, which means it's much harder for me to each. When someone serves me a dish that has eyes and legs and hairs still attached, I don't know where to start. It's mostly the lobster and shrimp that gives me trouble. After lunch Fernando told Megumi and I there was still a live lobster in the refrigerator. Super fresh. Today we ate him in a stew for lunch and I got the head. I couldn't eat it. Seafood is hard to eat when it has a face. After getting lobster face in my stew Ana brought out a hunk of cured meat from Mallorca that looked like it was stitched together in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They told me the mixed meat inside was being held together with skin from a butt. It seriously looked like some kind of rotten football. And then I ate a big piece. Sabroso y picante. Cada día hay una nueva adventura de comida. Pan con tomate y aceite is so good. Bread with mashed tomato, olive oil and salt on it. Mmmm. I'm already wondering where I can buy Spanish type foods when I get back to the US.

Less happy news, Nuba, Ana's dog, is getting old and sick. She can't climb/descend the three flights of stairs to/from our flat anymore because her legs are messed up because she's old. Ana kept trying to get her to go out to use the bathroom but she keeps falling. Now she's started taking dumps in the house because there's nothing else to do. It's not like we have a backyard or anything. Ana tries to lay out newspapers and stuff, but I don't know how long this can go on. It's really sad because Nuba is like Ana's child.

I can't believe my stay here is half over. I'm already getting so sad. This life I am living is nothing like I've known in so many years. I have so little responsibility and so much time to do what I want. It's going to be a drastic and difficult change when I return to the US. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. Though, right now I wish I could be in the US for a few hours because I read they are re-releasing Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D. As soon as I saw the ad, I tried to figure out if I could see it in Spain. Unfortunately this appears to only be a US engagement. :( Someone see it for me and tell me how cool it was. I miss movies in English. I've seen many here for my film class, but it's not as enjoyable when you're trying to translate everything. Luckily, Jamie (Carla's husband) has a huge collection of DVDs (in ENGLISH) and is letting us borrow them. Problem is, when am I going to have time to sit down and watch a movie?

Come back in focus again

2007-10-17T15:50:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago the professor of my Textos Narrativos class asked us an interesting question pertaining to the story we had just read. Translated...

"Are your desires part of your identity?"

I've been trying for too many minutes to answer this question and I keep erasing what I write because it sounds complicated and uninteresting. I think my professional desires are part of my identity right now. What other kinds of desires do I even have? This is where I'm getting stuck. I have personal desires...like related to my social/romantic life. I have desires related to my own self...like things I want to do to improve my own experience on this earth. I guess like another branch of personal desires. I have, maybe world desires, is how I could put it. Desires to improve the lives of other people. Is is sad that my professional desires are the only ones I feel like define me? Sometimes I feel like the personal desires identify me, but only to the extent that they are related exclusively to me. I don't like to have my identity linked to anyone else's. I don't know; I just thought it was a cool question.

I recently downloaded the new Radiohead CD. I think it's amazing. If I was more musically literate I would try to explain why. I like some of the lyrics. I love Thom Yorke's voice. I like a lot of the guitar...solos...I don't know if they're exactly solos. The way the guitar complements everything else. Sometimes it has a strong sounds and...harmonizes maybe. Ugh, why can't I describe these things better? I guess I'll never be a music reviewer. I am definitely impressed though. I was scared after Radiohead released Hail to the Thief and I thought they said they wouldn't release anymore LPs. But they have, they are! Right now my favorite songs are "Nude", "Weird Fishes/Arpeggi" and "Jigsaw Falling Into Place". However, this is subject to change.

Today I booked my tickets to Southern Spain. I'm going over Halloween weekend. I really wish I could be in the US for Halloween. I want to get dressed up! I guess seeing Granada, Cordoba and Sevilla will be just as good. It's going to be All Saints while we're there. I hear Andalucia is friendlier, cheaper and more traditionally Spanish than the rest of the country. After visiting Toledo and seeing the influence of so many cultures I got REALLY excited about this trip. I have also altered my plans for Prague. I was having trouble getting someone to go with me. Megumi was considering, but she wanted to see Berlin. I wasn't opposed to Berlin, so we put our heads together and decided to fly to Berlin, take a bus to Prague and then go back to Barcelona from there. TWO CITIES! With Megumi. It's going to be our grand finale! Right before finals and right before I go back to the US. Though I might try to squeeze one more short trip in. I still want to go to (and can easily get to) Avignon, somewhere in northern Spain and Portugal. I'd only have time for one, if that.

Since my computer broke I've been to Tarragona, Montserrat and Madrid. (Tarra/Mont are actually SOUTH of Barcelona, not north.) Tomorrow I'm leaving for Figueres which is north of Barcelona, for sure. It's close to France and home to the Dalí Museum. I have yet to write about any of these adventures in the blog. :( I've been really busy this week and haven't had time to sit down to write long entrages. I'll make it happen because I can't forget these times.

Tonight was supposed to be a low-key wine and cheese gathering, although canceled. Now, a pub instead, perhaps. Today I watched the most boring (and most important, some say) Spanish movie, El Verdugo. Last night I tangoed on the streets at 3AM with an Argentinian dancer. I ate Nutella and galletas in the kitchen when I got home. We'd eaten little squids for dinner and I couldn't swallow enough to fill me up. It was like eating bugs. The smell is still lingering in the refrigerator. Rather, taking over.

I keep getting into situations and I can't believe it's my life. Halfway through the semester my friends and I still talk about how unreal it is we're living here.

RIP, still

2007-10-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

I am once again with computer.

I have the ability to write about the trips I've been taking and the things I've been noticing, but it's not the time right now. Yesterday would have been my grandma's birthday, it was also the one year anniversary of her death. I've been thinking about her. I went back to read my entries about it on my LiveJournal. I also wrote a letter to her...after she had died. It was saved on my computer, but after it crashed, I don't know. I suppose it's saved on my other hard drive in the United States. One year later I am still thinking of her frequently. It's still unreal that she's not in my life anymore. I think of all the things that have happened to me over the past year that I wish she could know about. She knew I was going to come to Spain. She was really excited for me. We wanted her to come to Italy, but she was scared to fly.

Life goes on, the pain slowly subsides, but it's still hard to think that she's gone. Her death toppled me in an unreal way last year. It wasn't the type of emotional pain that can physically affect you, it was the type of deep pain that makes you think and think and think. It's missing someone and thinking of all the little details about them and all of the memories you had together.

No more Mac.

2007-10-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Mac and I are over. I'm obviously going to keep the things I already have (computer, iPod, iTunes) but I am no longer supporting them. Unless they decide to comply with my requests, which I will make clear in my formal complaint.

My hard drive crashed last week. I originally thought the gray screen problem would be minor, but apparently not. My computer is less than a year and a half old and the warantee only expired in June. I am guessing Mac will tell me I should have gotten Apple Care. Whatever. It's disgraceful that they can sell me a computer that will break in such a short amount of time. Especially after I've already had numerous problems with it. It was sent back to the factory once to have the outer shell replaced and after that it always had a backlight flicker...that was well-documented online...though when I took it to the store (still under warantee at that point) that claimed they had no idea what the problem was or what I was talking about.

Thankfully some of my information was backed up. I would have had almost everything backed up if it hadn't been for the incompatibility problems the MacBook had with my external hard drive at the end of the summer. Yet another negative for Mac: they try to tell you it's so compatible with everything a PC is, but it's not.

Besides the laptop, my iPod is also faulty. The first one I had was replaced by Mac (under warantee) because it stopped functioning correctly. They admitted their mistake but charged me $30 processing to give me a replacement. My new one has a cosmetic/mechanical problem now with the middle button on the click-wheel. It no longer clicks, it still works, though irritatingly and with force. However, the problem turned up right after the warantee was already over. Even though the new iPod was just that...NEW because it was a replacement. And it broke in a matter of months.

I was skeptical of Mac to begin with...after I got one and became a "Mac person" I was still never totally convinced. Macs are hip; they look nice...I guess for some people they even function correctly. However, I cannot accept this. Mac is "una trampa". A trick, my new favorite Spanish word. I'm having to pay amounts of money I cannot afford when I am already overseas watching my bank account deplete. It's been one blow after another over here. I don't even care anymore. Money can always be earned back. In the end, I'm never going to be a bum living in a box on the street, so what's the point of worrying too much. I'm going to be a poor journalist for a long time anyway so I might as well get used to it.

That's it. I'm done thinking about the bi-partisan world of computers. Once I was the ugly conservative PC, then I became a cool liberal Mac. Now I'm a disillusioned Mac who was filled with false promises by Steve Jobs, the ultimate candidate. Where are the third parties?

Hmmm...off to forget my troubles in Madrid this weekend. Non-pissy updates about culture and travels coming soon.

mad mad mad

2007-10-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well...the luggage problems were annoying and expensive. Then the robbery was scary and also expensive. I´ve been sick-ish for the past month I´ve been here. Our laundry machine has been broken for the past two weeks. I haven´t been able to wash any of my clothes since I left the United States. All of that´s fine. Despite these inconsequential problems I´ve been deliriously happy here.

Then, last night, my computer died. UGHHHHHHHHHHH! I get a gray screen with a flashing file folder that has a question mark inside of it. WTF? There are also some clicking noises when the computer first turns on, which worries me because the problem could be mechanical. The Apple site says the computer needs to remember where the operating system is, or something. But I don´t have a reinstall CD. I also looked at some Mac help forums and the answers seem scary. Many people just had crappy computers that stopped functioning. This cannot happen to me! I don´t have the money for a new laptop. Besides, mine is less than 1.5 years old. And how the hell do I go about fixing a computer when I can hardly explain the problem in Spanish? There´s not even a Mac store here! I feel doomed because I realize my computer is my life.

-Connection to home, anti-homesickness device
-Ability to write/blog, my therapy
-My stereo, source of music
-How I do my banking
-How I plan these trips I´m supposed to take
-How I get news from the States
-Watching movies
-Help with assignments for school
-Knowing where things are located in Barcelona

I can´t survive without a computer. There are computers I can use at school and at the library but they´re always in use because no one really has laptops here. It´s not like I can get on and take care of everything at once. Why is Apple so bad to me? I´ve had problems with my iPod and problems with my computer. I guess all of the trash-talking I did has come back to haunt me. I guess I´m not just compatible with Mac...I´m just the ugly PC man from the commercials. Or maybe I´m not either. Computers just hate me.

Titulo General

2007-09-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'm going to Sitges for the day. It's a little beach town south of Barca. Though the weather is getting colder. I am now greeted by an autumn crispness when I step outside. It's this particular feel the air gets...I've written about it before. I think I love it so much because it reminds me of my childhood in Chicago. In Texas I usually don't feel the crispness before we're well into October. But here! I felt it today when I woke up! It's the morning coldness when it's difficult to get out of bed because the air around you is cooler than the nest of sheets you've created. I also felt it when I stepped out of the UB building at 9PM after my last class. My hair begins to settle when the temperature drops. Today sections of it became straight on its own accord. Amazing.

I plan to return from Sitges tomorrow night and leave for Tarragona and Monserrat the next morning, two towns north of Barcelona. Tarragona is known for its Roman ruins. (And a club inside a cave Megumi told me about! Awesome!) Monserrat is known for a monastery and jutting cliffs. I haven't really traveled since I've been in Barcelona and I'm really excited to start the excursions.

Today I went to the grocery store with Viktoriya to buy sweet things and other indulgences. Grocery stores are so much more interesting in other countries! There was half of an aisle full of spreads like Nutella, a whole aisle of olive oil, wine that's sold in cartons, puddings for 18 euro cents. Frozen churros, OMG. A whole display of different types of Garbanzo beans. OoOoOoO! The brands...and the prices...and the selections. So many cheeses! Legs of animals hung with other types of cured meats. I want to transport a Carrefour to Austin.

People eat differently here, obviously. Which explains our need to go to the store and buy candy. Dessert at my house, and many others, is a piece of fruit or maybe some yogurt or cookies. It always sounded so lame to me when I read about people not having dessert in other countries, but now I don't mind it. I still need my daily intake of sugar, I manage, but I think I'm eating less sweet stuff. The sweet meal of the day is breakfast when we drink coffee, tea or juice. We eat yogurt, cookies, a pastry, croissant or magdalenas (sweet muffins). The big meal of the day is comida, at lunch. Though sometimes when we have classes we just take a bocadillo. Then at about 6-7PM most people eat a snack. Maybe go for a café with some tapas or a pastry. Then dinner is late, around 10PM. We normally eat a big-ish meal, depending on who was home for comida. Afterwards we sit around and maybe eat fruit or a small dessert or some café or tea. We have a joke in our house about the bread...because Ana lets it get really stale. She calls them "galletas" (cookies) when the bread goes stale, maybe to entice us to keep eating it, haha. I decided to go along with it, so now we sometimes spread Nutella on stale bread and eat it for dessert. I don't know...maybe it's not a joke. I was hoping to eat healthier here and slim myself a bit. In reality, I do think I'm eating healthier, more balanced meals, but I'm not slimming. Oh well. Ana's an excellent cook.

I feel like I'm finally starting to improve my speaking skills. Megumi is often gone at meals, so it's just Ana and I. We talk through most of the meal and Ana doesn't speak any English, so I must know how to communicate to some extent. I've noticed things flowing out of my mouth a little bit more seamlessly lately. Though Ana still takes a lot of time to correct all of my mistakes. Conjugating verbs slows me down a lot when I talk. I feel more confident and hopeful when I realize that everything Ana knows of me are things I've communicated to her in another language. I don't think she understands me on the same level she would if I spoke perfect Spanish, but I've told her about so many things and we generally understand each other. And now instead of being shy to speak, I bring up topics at dinner just so I can talk. Tonight the subject was art.

I was actually asking her about the El Prado, the art museum in Madrid. I'm planning to go in a couple of weeks. I'm excited to see another part of Spain. More recently I've become interested in the modern history of Spain, like 20th century. I never learned much about Franco or the industrialization of the country in my Spanish Civ class. I bought a book yesterday called "The New Spaniards" about cultural/societal/economic/political issues in Spain in the past 100 years or so. So far I love it. I didn't realize how closed off and repressed the country was during Franco's dictatorship. I still have a lot more to read and to learn, but it's fascinating to read about such a subject while I'm living in the midst of it.

What it is and other thoughts.

2007-09-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

Barcelona is...

-a later start to the day and the night, loving it
-constantly having filthy blackened feet
-socializing/energizing while sipping café con leche
-meeting people from all over the world
-finishing dinner between 11-12 at night
-sangria and cava
-wearing a bathing suit to class
-walking home at 5AM on streets that are 500 years old
-standing on the balcony and watching all the chumps in the plaza
-tons of mullets, rattails, dreadlocks, sandals, metallic accessories, diaper pants
-bocadillos
-the smell of sewage wafting from the street grates
-Fanta (Naranja)
-professors arriving 15 minutes late for class
-drinking in the streets
-full of tourists
-diminishing my euros
-El Corte Inglés bags all over the place
-washing the streets every night and the little BCNeta trucks
-the annoyance known as Las Ramblas
-hearing your neighbors flush the toilet, wash the dishes, have sex, etc.
-the lack of consistent water temperature in the shower
-the punctuality of the Metro, but hating that it's usually closed when you're a borrachita and need to get home
-fewer showers and less laundry
-learning 24-hour time
-lisps

Barcelona is...also causing me to struggle with my image for the first time. Like most other women I get hung up about certain things, but overall I'm okay with the way I look. Here I go out and feel too fat, too white, like my clothes aren't good enough and besides the physical stuff, I can't even talk normally! The people here are really attractive, or at least what I deem attractive. I think what's considered attractive in the U.S. is different than here, but I understand the European concept of attractiveness much more. When I'm in America, even if I feel unattractive it doesn't bother me a much because American attractiveness is kinda lame. Here it's like a double threat because besides the other women being beautiful they have a better sense of style. In the U.S. I see tons of women that are attractive but have a crappy sense of style so I'm not as phased by it. However, I am glad I have dark hair, Mediterranean eyes and a less American name. At least I can sort of disguise my American-ness when I'm on the streets. People sometimes ask me for directions, which seems good, but as soon as I open my mouth they know I'm foreign.

I am also questioning parts of my personality that have not formerly bothered me. I've met new people here who are so completely different than me. It's not at all that I want to be just like them, but I feel pressure to reexamine my extreme cynicism and distrust, especially regarding people and relationships. Is it really going to serve me well to go through life with such an outlook? I don't necessarily feel like a pessimist...I'm usually pretty happy. I question things too much, I'm judgmental, I'm not usually warm and friendly, and I don't typically go out of my way for other people unless they're important to me. Like, the day after I was robbed Megumi met me outside our apartment and was offering me gelato or dulces or coffee or anything I wanted. We settled on walking to Spar Express and she bought me paprika Pringles (good!), Pims, Fanta Limón and a KinderJoy with a little toy inside. It was so nice and thoughtful. I wondered if I would do the same for her. Obviously I would in a second, but would I have been so thoughtful in the first place? We talk a lot about our personalities and our differences and it makes me think about these things I never thought about. I suppose everyone back home just knows me as I've always been and I don't normally think about why I am the way I am. I guess many things that have happened in the past five years have made me even more cynical than I was before. I also think being involved with journalism naturally makes a person more cynical. Or perhaps cynical people are drawn to journalism. Ultimately, I don't think I'll change much. I'd like to treat people better, even if I don't know them well. Maybe that just entails being warmer with people, though I don't know if I'm capable. It just takes me more time to get close to a person. I'm also independent and like to spend time alone, so I don't always feel the need to be connected to someone else. I'm finding that some people need to be around the company of others a lot more than me. I just don't like to share too much of myself with people too quickly. I only want to be involved with people and relationships that are real.

¡La Mercé!

2007-09-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was La Mercé, a huge city-wide festival to celebrate the patron saint of Barcelona. The whole city prepares for a giant party. Every important plaza (at least 10) sets up a stage and has tons of free music each day. There are also cultural events that happen like Correfoc, Xambanga de Gegants, building towers of humans and cultural dances. There are at least two huge carnivals set up in the city and fireworks every night at the beach. This goes on for four days. I was really impressed.

The first night of La Mercé I saw Sage Francis, this hip-hop man from Rhode Island. He had a good sense of humor and sang to the beat of NIN's "Closer". I don't really understand what makes hip-hop artists good or not. His lyrics kept my attention. For being so illiterate of the art...I found it to be enjoyable. Though he made a mistake when he decided to disrespect mullets. Angry Euro mullets threw beer cans at him. After the concert I split off from the group to explore with Viktoriya. We hung around in Plaça Cataluñya and got lost in a crowd of pot-smoking hippies dancing to the music coming from the stage. That quickly became annoying as a guy with an extraordinarily large backpack kept bumping me. Next we walked to Plaça Jaume I, close to my house where all of the government buildings are. There was Celtic music playing. Eh. We decided to try absinthe. I was worried but had been reassured it's not as strong as they used to make it. In reality, it tasted like horrible medicine and strung my throat almost to the point of nausea. The effect was similar to 1-2 shots of vodka. We boarded the Metro and headed to El Forum. El Forum is this huge venue/port/outdoorsy area on the far east side of the city. It seemed more youthful and rowdy than some of the other places. As soon as we came up from the Metro station I could see hundreds of people and started imagining how easily a riot could occur. At the actual place there were thousands of people. It was like a small music festival with three stages, from where I was standing it looked very much like Austin City Limits Festival because of the ridiculous crowds. In another part of El Forum there was a carnival set up and all of the rides were amplified X100 compared to the US. The ferris wheel went faster, bumper cars bumped harder, the scary rides went higher and rotated more. There were so rides I'd never seen in the US like the giant disk with about 30 people hanging on to the edges. One person would be pushed in the middle and forced to dance. Except the whole disk was shaking and spinning so hard that most people could stand up. They end up piled on top of one another in the middle. It actually looked fun.

Saturday night we went to Correfoc. This is a parade where people dressed as devils carry huge metal poles that shoot sparks in every direction. There are also monsters that shoot flame and sparks out of their mouth. There were warnings to not wear nice clothes to the event because it is possible to get burned. We joked that such a thing would never be allowed in America because of liability issues. There wasn't even a very defined parade route, the devils and monsters just made their way through the crowd. We were all screaming and trying to seek refuge under my scarf. I wasn't burned, but definitely had to run out of the way a few times.

After the parade we headed to the beach for the nightly fireworks show and were only able to see the end. On our way back to the city center we found one of the bestias from Correfoc. We quickly made friends with the devil in charge and took pictures. Then we continued our initial quest for a bocadillo. We ate and watched part of a fútbol game with some Spaniards. In our frenzy my friends forgot to pay and were scolded. We were close to the apartment so we stopped by...I can't remember why.

We left again to see what was happening at Plaça Cataluñya. It was dead because it was too late. We met more people. Guys working in a gelato store, a man with a weapon who fed my friend pastry, a group of kids from Barcelona...everyone advised us to go back to El Forum. I wasn't sure I wanted to go all the way there. Especially since my companions were more inebriated and had never been there before. I didn't want the responsibility of two other crazies, besides my crazy self, but I didn't care enough to protest. It didn't matter anyway. As soon as we arrived at El Forum we took a siesta in the grass. I kept opening my eyes because I was scared of more robbers, but all I noticed were men staring down at us. I suppose a pile of girls would usually attract attention. We later bought food: hot dog, French fries, churros and cotton candy. Churros are SO delicious. I don't know how I ate them so fast without barfing. My friends wasted money on games, made friends, wasted their money on games and won a huge stuffed sun. We had to escape the new "friends" and went to go look at the crazy rides. On the Metro ride back I somehow gave off an appearance of having strong arms. I drank some tepid Coke and wished it was colder. Then we all got home and went to bed in the morning.

By the third day of La Mercé I am losing steam. I meet with friends to see the parading giants enter the governmental plaza close to home.

I feel so glad for living so close to the action. We drink champagne in the plaza at our house. It was initially reserved for watching the sunrise at the beach, but sleep kept seeming more important. We walked to the beach for another concert. Someone started crying, someone else was mad about something. People become too emotional. I talked with Viktoriya and we decided to leave for gelato and a club in another part of town. We had the GREATEST gelato. A mix of crema catalana (like creme brulee) and hazelnut. We hopped on the Metro and it shorted out one stop away from where we were going. We walked the rest of the way to the club, KGB. It was disappointingly uncrowded, maybe because entrance was free until 3AM. After 3 it became more crowded. We danced around. Viktoriya admired the DJ! :) I spent a while talking to someone from Barcelona, always trying to get advice about the city and make friends who aren't American. I got home by 6AM and stayed up too late connecting with a piece of home via AIM. At the time I started to fall asleep, just before 9AM, I heard parades starting for the last day of La Mercé. Luckily my exhaustion enabled me to pass out with ease. I slept too late and missed meeting Viktoriya at 11:30AM for the tower of humans. I'd really wanted to see it, but could not manage to get out of bed. I slept until the afternoon, lazed around and eventually went out with Megumi for a bocadillo. It was so amazing! Spanish tortilla with potatoes on a baguette! I don't think I'll ever eat sandwiches in the same way again once I go back home. That night we went to Plaça de Españya for the final fireworks show. They were some of the best fireworks I've ever seen in my life! Types of fireworks I've never known before to really good music. All American music, strangely enough. That night I stayed at home for sleep. Though I couldn't because I'd become accustomed to falling asleep in the early morning. Megumi and I stayed up and raided the bare kitchen and watched people from the balcony. We fell asleep to the sounds of Anna yelling at the horrible neighbor upstairs because of his blasting music at 3AM.

The Robbery

2007-09-21T11:33:00.001-07:00

I got robbed two nights ago.

Here's the story:

I was walking to my friend's residencia, which is a good 15-20 minutes away from the apartment on foot. I have to walk through my neighborhood (Gothic Quarter) and the one next to us (El Born) then through a park and then into the area where the building is. It was about 10:30-11PM. I was in El Born, which is a relatively nice area. I wasn't walking on the main street, rather two or three streets to the left of it. (I was told later it wasn't exactly El Born where I was.) The streets were not crowded, there were groups of people standing around. It was a predominately Muslim/Arab area based on the businesses and people I saw around me. I was getting closer to a plaza and I passed a group of kids younger than me. I didn't really have a bad feeling about the area, but regardless, I was walking rapidly. I always try to walk quickly to make it look like I know where I'm going. I don't ever want it to appear like I'm wandering. As I'm approaching the plaza I can sense someone walking too closely behind me. I assume they're about to pass me but they don't. I turn to look over my shoulder and see a boy, maybe 15 years, wearing a black shirt. I turn back around and keep walking. Suddenly I hear feet taking off, like for a race and before I know it someone is violently snatching the purse from my hand. Ahead of me there is a plaza if I veer to the right and another narrow street if I veer to the left. I look up after them and see them running down the narrow street. Them. It's now two boys. The black shirt, who stole my purse, and some sort of accomplice in a red shirt. I begin to take off after them but instead scream, "HEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY!" as loud as I can. They are long gone. There are people walking towards me coming from the plaza. I stop a woman and tell her I was just robbed and she sort of shrugs and continues on.

I think I kept walking in a sort of daze for a few minutes. So many things were running through my head. Do I call police? Do I turn around and go home? What exactly did I just lose? Am I safe here? Everything was contradicting. I wanted to continue to see my friends but I didn't have a phone to call them anymore. I wanted to get on the Metro instead of walking because I felt in danger but I had no money. I decided within minutes that I WOULD keep walking to the residencia despite the fact that I didn't know which building my friends lived in or have their room number or have access in through the door. The place the residencia is located is also a little sketch at night. But I didn't want to go home! That would be some kind of lame surrender. As I continued walking I wondered why I was targeted. I don't obviously look or dress like an American. I was wearing a fitted black dress, a lacy black scarf, black sandals and bright red lipstick. I was walking with my head up, quickly. Maybe they thought I looked too formal for that part of town, so I would have money on me. So wrong. As I walked I made a list in my head of what was taken.

-cellphone
-debit card
-int'l student ID
-T-10 pass for the Metro
-23 euros
-house keys
-a keychain from Italy (gift from dad)
-red lip gloss (gift from Jihae)
-my little red Coach purse (gift from Crissy)

The last three things seem so unimportant, but I think I'll miss them the most. Everything else is just utilitarian and necessary.

So I finally got the area of the residencia but I have no idea which building I am supposed to go into and nothing looks like it could be right. I eventually walked into an Asian restaurant and tried to explain to them what happened and if they knew which building housed students. No idea. I went back to the street, which, at this point were starting to seem scary. I found a girl that looked American and asked if she spoke English. Success, she was from the UK. I explained the situation and she agreed to walk around with me to look for the building. With her, I found it! I snuck in through the open door and marched up to the counter. I told the man I had just been robbed and I needed to know the room number for my friends. He told me. I found them and told them why I was so late. They were so nice and sympathetic. I got online and canceled my debit card and phone and emailed my mom. Then I tried to get a hold of Megumi so I would have a way in to my house at the end of the night. She was also SO kind and agreed to meet me at home whenever I wanted.

Because of the rough start I really wanted to have a fun night. I ingested and indulged a bit and we headed out. It was strange not having anything with me, but comforting to know I couldn't be robbed again. We were trying to find an Erasmus party at this club. (Erasmus is like study abroad for European students or something.) After laughing and walking our way around for many minutes we finally found the correct club off Diagonal. We were in the mood to dance but the music was all un-danceable 90s trash. My friend asked the DJ what was coming next and he told us Daft Punk. With excitement we waited and waited but it never came. In the meantime I talked to a Barcelonian (?) who recommended some places we might like better. Fed up with the music, we left. Piled in a cab. We rounded a corner and I lifted my head. Something felt so dizzy and sickly in the pit of my stomach. I worried and tried to look down.

We stopped at some clubs at the waterfront. Got a free drink (nasty sweet) at one club, left to go to the better one next door. We finally danced! First with one of my friends, protecting each other from men who would try to butt in. Then I danced out of control with these Danish guys. They spun me so much I almost had to tell them to stop because I was going to barf. It seemed so much room had been cleared on the floor for our antics. The party at that place stopped at 3:30. My other friend had met some "British boys" on one of the little podiums for dancing. She insisted we follow them. There were three of us, and me and the other one were getting tired but we went along anyway. There is a common problem in Barcelona...it's that the Metro closes from 2-5AM on certain nights, so we were trying to stay out till it opened again. We walked around along the waterfront passing multiple clubs that all seemed lame on a Wednesday night at 4AM. At 4:30 we decided to walk back to the residencia despite my one friend's wishes to stay with her "British boy". We were going to wait on the couches downstairs at the residencia for a few minutes till the Metro opened. I was the first to pass out on the couch, and soon after the other two did. We all woke up nearly two hours later. Two of us left to go home on the Metro, my other friend went back to her room. I got home and Megumi met me outside our building with a huge hug. We walked up together and I fell asleep again, unsure if I would wake up in time for my class, since I had no source of alarm clock anymore. I didn't care. Luckily I woke up in time the next morning. Unluckily I felt like crap.

Overall, it's horrible I got robbed but I can be glad about two things. First, glad I didn't have anything really valuable on me. I could have been carrying my iPod or camera. Those punk asses only really got a cheap cell phone that won't work, 23 euros and three rides on the Metro. Nothing else would have been of value to them unless they tried to sell the purse. Second, I know what to be suspicious of now. I really didn't think I'd be robbed here. I thought it would happen to confused looking tourist types who weren't paying attention. I thought theft was mostly like pickpockets in crowded areas or people who play tricks on Americans, like thought out distractions with a theft. I never thought I'd be robbed out in the open with someone taking my WHOLE purse right from my hands. I mean, I was holding it by my side, it was even around my wrist and they just yanked it right off. I do regret that now I feel much more paranoid when I'm walking around. I wasn't scared right after it happened, I feel more scared now that it could somehow happen again. I didn't lose too much except having to pay $150 to replace the shittiest cellphone ever.

Anyway, that's the story of the robbery. I think I want to sew pockets on the insides of my underwear and store everything else in my bra. I can't let it happen again.

Right now it's Friday night, the beginning of La Mercé, one of the biggest festivals in Barcelona. I can hear the parades outside, the music playing and the crowds waiting.

I actually wrote this yesterday afternoon.

2007-09-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

My classes are now in full swing.

Most of them seem like they'll be okay. I'm not worried about keeping up or understanding...I'm just still really scared to speak in front of the class. I'm getting more comfortable speaking because of living with Anna, but when I'm in front of many people my mind has a tendency to blank out. It's not that I don't necessarily know the words, it's that I'm nervous.

My classes all last really long, too. I'm used to 50 minute classes and here I have classes for 90 minutes and then three times a week I have class for three hours. Of the same class! Three of my culture classes meet only once a week for 90 minutes. Then I have a cinema class that meets every other week for three hours. Then the language/grammar class, OMG. It meets four days a week, twice for 90 minutes, the other two times for 3 hours. It's too much class at once! Some days, like yesterday, I get a headache from the sheer amount of processing my mind has to do. I can understand why people don't learn English in the US just from going to class. Here it's like we live, breathe and sleep Spanish. I can't escape it, which is great, but nearly painful to my mushy American languaged mind.

I think there's going to be a lot of reading this semester, too. Moreso than what I'm used to at UT. I thought I kissed literary analysis goodbye after high school, but it's back, and in Spanish. I'm taking a narrative texts class where the profesora claims she's just another person in the room to add to the discussion of the short stories we're going to read. I don't know if I can appreciate literary analysis the way I once did in high school. I'm used to reading for quick knowledge, reading to get information...the journalist in me. I don't like picking apart every detail of a piece of work. It's precisely the reason I dislike poetry. Somehow I love song lyrics, but despise poetry.

I'm more excited for my class about culture and issues of Spain. It seems like a political/cultural/social/etc examination of the country. We're encouraged to keep up with the news. Yay! I love that in other countries there are blatantly left-wing and right-wing newspapers. I don't think the press is trying so hard to be objective...you just read the paper that corresponds more with your political views. I suppose the idea of objectivity in the press is prized more in the States, but objectivity in the press does not exist. It never will because it cannot.

My cinema class is good for a Friday afternoon. Though we only have five more meetings left since it only meets every other week. Last week we watched "El Laberinto del Fauna". Pan's Labyrinth. I'd always meant to see it! I suppose it's even better watching it in it's native language in Spain. I was surprised I could understand it so well. It was definitely more intense than I'd anticipated. I thought it was mostly a fantasy movie with some special effects, but it was so emotional. It could tear me apart inside. Certain movies evoke feelings inside me, and they're not even necessarily directly related to what's happening in the movie. Sometimes I think about what's happening in the context of my own life, and that's what almost makes me cry. I didn't cry though! Oh! And it was also pretty gory. They show so much...like people getting beaten and a guy stitching up his own cheek with a needle. I had to cover my eyes for those parts.

All this class...I better learn Spanish!

My travel plans are beginning to change, unfortunately. I got really depressed yesterday after I realized I'm poor and don't have enough money to do so much traveling. I had to cut one of my trips for the time being. Southern France might have to wait. I'm still going to London, Prague, Madrid and southern Spain. I must, even if it means dipping into savings. I'm going to have to budget myself carefully and probably visit this web site where you can sleep on people's couches for cheaper than a hostel. I hate being poor. If my landlord would return my freaking deposit I'd be a lot better off. I'm barely going to have any money after paying my credit card bills. UGHHH, being poor depresses me. And I can't even work here because it's illegal.

On the bright side...I'm in Barcelona! My amazement hasn't worn off yet. I walk to class every day and it doesn't even seem real. I've always wished to go to school and live in a huge city. Any time I've visited a bustling city, I love it and try to imagine I live there. Now I do! I walk through the Plaça Catalunya and down the main street of the university and look all around me at the huge beautiful buildings and all the people and the cafes and the motos crowding the roads and it's like a dream. I know more than ever that I belong in a big city. Small towns are nice for visits, but I want to LIVE somewhere huge. It's type of appeal NYC had, I don't want to feel like I've ever conquered a place. I want to know there's more to discover every time I walk out my front door. I want the sense of being slightly overwhelmed. Being comfortable can be nice, but keeping on your toes is much better.

Soy una playa.

2007-09-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today I got up and went to the beach with Laura. The beach in Barcelona is actually man made, but regardless it's really nice. The sky had NO clouds, the weather was warm and the people were out to be seen. Most women go topless at the beach. Today I was one of them. I guess it's part of the experience. I thought it might be weird, but it's actually quite nice. Everyone's so used to it here. It was great to feel so unrestricted. Unfortunately I think my topless time will have to stay in Europe because I'd guess America's not ready for it. So many women in America don't even want to wear a bathing suit in public. There are some really saggy people here! I hope there's never a day where my nipples point to the ground! Haha! I stayed at the beach for most of the afternoon and realized after I got home I had mild sunburn. My madre was telling me to wear sunscreen and I was trying to tell her this summer I hadn't been getting burned for a change. Regardless, she gave me a bottle to use and I only put it on my arms. My arms aren't burned, but most everything else is rosy. I've had much worse. I kinda wanted to be tan and my arms are on the way, but I'm starting to realize I don't even tan nicely. I think my arms just look dirty. The freckles on my shoulders are blooming out of control. At the beach I was slightly self conscious, not about my bare chest or weight or anything common, but about my skin! Everyone here is so dark and I feel like I take off my clothes and reveal my skin and it's blinding. People are shielding their eyes down the beach, putting on sunglasses, covering up with towels. Oh well.

Today we had another problem at the house. I've been telling Anna for a couple days that I need to do laundry because I have more than two weeks worth since I was traveling the week before I got here. Anyway, today I ran out of underwear, luckily I went to the beach. I got home expecting to do a load and Anna tells me the laundry machine is broken. It's supposed to be checked tomorrow but in the meantime I had to wash all of my underwear by hand. Lovely. I didn't realize how much I had. Then I had to be taught to use the clothes lines. I always thought they were cute when I was walking around in Europe, now I see they are so useful. And clothespins! This is the first time I've ever used them for something that's not an art project.

Tonight Megumi came back from her API trip to Tarragona/Monserrat. (I get to go in a couple of weeks.) We went out to look for some hard candy to soothe my sore throat. We ended up walking through El Born and the Barri Gótic. We went into some super fancy candy store, but they were too fancy for me. I just needed a bag of cheap wrapped things. While we were walking Megumi suddenly needed McDonald's. Oh no! I went with her, but just picked on some of her fries and finished part of her McFlurry. I have to admit, it was good. She felt sick afterwards. :( The food options at McDonald's here seem different. I don't really know because I don't eat at them in America, but since when did they have wedge fries and an "oriental" sandwich?

Nuba is having a dream next to me! Her legs are twitching all over the place. I wonder what dogs dream about. Surely they don't dream in color. Tomorrow I go to my last two classes I haven't known yet. I'm pretty much dreading grammar. We shall see.

Negativo

2007-09-15T17:44:00.001-07:00

I'm missing things that don't exist in my life at all.

Tonight was not good. I noticed things I didn't like about Barcelona because I wasn't feeling happy. I spent exactly 40 minutes walking home and thought privately to myself. I was alone.

The ugliest things in this city are McDonald's, Burger King and Starbucks. They litter the streets. Literally. (No pun intended.) I saw all this trash on the street and in this plaza and then looked to my left and there's a McDonald's. Of course all the trash is greasy bags and hamburger boxes and soda cups.

I am also starting to resent all of the couples all over the place and how annoyingly public they are with their affections for each other. On my walk home I must have passed six couples all in a row. Looking happy. Sure...they're all quite in love after a few drinks on a Saturday night. My affection didn't seem to make it across the Atlantic. I lost it somewhere.

Another thing I've come to hate is Las Ramblas. I'm so close to it, it's hard to get away from, but I'm not sure of the other routes to get out of my area of town without encountering it. The worst is when I'm trying to get to class and I'm walking up Las Ramblas behind some stupid slow tourists who are looking in a window or at some street performer. I try to pass politely but it's so hard. It's nearly impossible to walk at a quick speed down that road. I've tried so many times.

Learning has also become a frustation. I am so eager to know this language and to speak fluently and I can't yet! My mom told me that when I was learning to read I'd get really upset because I wouldn't know words or couldn't read fast enough. I vaguely remember the irritation and aggravation of that time. Eventually I made it into the highest reading group. Anyway, I feel the same way about Spanish. Learning is almost painful. I want it so bad, but it doesn't come fast enough. Laura compared it to learning to type. It just happens and you can't imagine not being able to.

Last thing I'll complain about: this sickness! First it was exhaustion. Then a few days of headaches at night that could only be cured by sleeping. Then I got the stupid pink eye. Now I have a sore throat and am developing a cough. Is it common to not have a tolerance to "European bacteria"? Does such a thing exist? Usually my immune system is really strong, but right now it sucks!

Okay, so despite my whining...I still love it. I know I've just had an unfortunate night. I'm not taking it for granted!

On the bright side, one of my favorite bands, Air, is playing here in November and I'm totally going. It's an anniversary party for a popular venue in Barcelona.

I'm going to watch the movie I rented and try to fall asleep. At just past 2:30AM, the night's still young here in Barcelona, but I'm still American and it seems like a good time for rest.

vida

2007-09-14T17:26:00.001-07:00

Living in this apartment is hilarious. Anna and Megumi are such characters. They both love to make these silly sound effects to communicate. Every night at dinner we like to try to talk like civilized people, but at some point in our story-tellings or general conversations we come across words we have to teach each other or try to act out. It's kind of like playing Taboo/Gestures in another language. I have begun to call it "teatro de la mesa". The other night it was the word hazelnut. We taught it to Anna, but her accent is so strong, it comes out like hate-chel-noot.

Speaking of which, I love Spaniard's accents, like the way they speak Castellano. I really hope I learn to speak fluently here so I can speak like them. Their lisps and the way their tongues make soft whispery sounds when they talk...I guess the tongue hits the roof of the mouth here more. It's more poetic than the way we learn at school.

A problem happened. In the bathroom. The other day I went and when I pulled the cord (because people have "water closets" here where the tank is on the wall) it snapped way up high somewhere in the tank. UGH! I thought I was home alone and went outside thinking I would go talk to Anna at her store, but instead I went back in and walked to the bathroom. Keep in mind, this is the only bathroom in the apartment. Someone was in there! Terror. Who was it and how would they react when they realized the toilet no funcionar? It was Laura and she asked me if I knew anything about the status of the toilet. I explained to her and we got out a ladder and she prodded around in the tank. We fixed it! I didn't have to tell Anna. Then today I used it again and SNAP. I was trying extra hard not to pull it with strength! This time I had to tell Anna. First, I consulted Megumi and we went into the kitchen with the dictionary. Surely I couldn't explain such a problem; my bathroom vocabulary isn't the greatest. She understood and said she needed to fix that particular part in the tank. Then she started talking about how we would use the toilet in the meantime. She went into the shower/laundry room and got a bucket. Megumi and I didn't understand and thought she was saying we had to go to the bathroom in the bucket. We were hesitantly nodding along. Then she realized and explained we just had to use the bucket to flush the toilet. Phew...it doesn't seem too hygienic to take a whiz in a bucket, haha. Hopefully it starts working again soon.

The other night I went out for La Diada. We ended up getting tapas, my first time. I really like Spanish food. It's simple, but good. I've also taken a trip to Parc Güell, which was the park Gaudí designed. And to the top of Mount Tibidabo, which gives a great view of the city. I'm learning the layout of the city really well and all of the neighborhoods. My favorites are definitely all of the older barrios like El Ravel, Barri Gótic and Born. They're all like labyrinths, especially the Gothic Quarter. I've also embraced the power of caffeine. I drink café con leche daily. People are always going for a coffee and it's perfect to have a cup after comida and before cena because it keeps you going. It tastes better here, too. People actually sit down to socialize and drink it, instead of walking around with those silly plastic lid things. The schedule really is different, too. I've definitely become used to it. We eat dinner at about 10 or 10:30 at night and finish some time around 11PM. It's so nice having such a long afternoon. It makes the day more productive.

Last night I went out to a club that you have to be "accepted" into. I don't really think I'd want to do it again. There were so many guys trying to get in and we got in fine because we were girls, I guess. The people working the door were so rude though. And apparently there's some lame password, too. Once we got in, drinks were 10 euros, as they are many places. The dance floor and club in general were really cool looking, but the people weren't even dancing! They were too cool for themselves and a lot of them were old. We'd walked all the way across the city to go. I didn't care too much about going in the first place. Plus, my eye was sick and it was cloudy and rainbow when I looked toward sources of light. I woke up this morning with my eyelid glued into place. Pink eye. My madre gave me an infusion of "yerbas" and it healed my problem! I've been walking around all day with a severely bloodshot eye, but at least it's not leaking juices anymore. My body is still giving up for some reason.

Today I went to the public library of Cataluñya, which has a branch in El Ravel, really close to the apartment. I got a library card. YAY! Which permits me to get books, CDs and DVDs and to use their free WiFi. (They pronounce it WeeFee here. It's cute.) I hope my access to internet becomes more regular from this point on. My madre has wireless but it's irregular. Actually I have to wrap this up because she's about to disconnect it for the night. So more will come at a later time. There's so much!

La Cama

2007-09-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

I could say la cama is the thing I've been most familiar with lately. I think the week of serious traveling and all of the new things to familiarize myself with in Spain finally caught up with me. The past couple days all I've been sleeping uncontrollably. Going to bed early and sleeping late. This morning I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't fall asleep. I was laying in bed and heard the sounds of people having sex. These apartments are SO close together. Luckily I fell asleep again.

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon (by afternoon I mean 5-8PM) at the cafe in the plaza outside our house. Laura's boyfriend, Sammy, works there. He doesn't charge us for anything we order and keeps brining us food and drinks. Coffee, lemon ice, papas, olives, gelato. We left feeling so full. Laura had been really helpful and gives me all kinds of advice about living here. She says I'm really lucky to be able to stay with Anna because she's a really good teacher/mama and her apartment is in the best location. As I live in the Barri Gótic longer I start to see it's kind of a bohemian area. There are so many hippie types and people with dreadlocks. And many genie pants. Lace-up sandals. Shops that look Moroccan or gypsy. But then one street over there are some chain stores. Two units down there's Calvin Klein. It's hard to imagine such an area of town like this in the US.

Anyway, so Laura and I are chatting and we see a line start to form outside the church next door to our house. It gets longer and longer until it's going past our front door. Sammy comes over and tells us it's for the Dalai Lama, who was in town. He'd given a talk at Montjuïc earlier in the day. We tried to get in, but tickets were required. Then we found out maybe it was just some of his monks that were going to sing. Either way, that's so cool!

This morning I woke up (late) and Laura came in to tell me they'd just finished filming a movie outside the apartment at the bar Sammy works at. He was an extra and had some lines. Apparently it was a Hollywood movie and he'd worked with one of the actresses. I wish I'd been able to see. This place does look like it's out of a movie.

Today is La Diada, to celebrate Cataluña. Most of the shops are closed so we've been hanging around inside most of the day. After lunch Anna started singing a song at the table, and it sounded just like a song I know by this Mexican singer I like. I got my computer and played it for her and she knew it! I ended up burning a Lila Downs mix for Anna and she loves it! We were all listening and dancing in the living room together.

Siempre que te pregunto
Que, cuándo, cómo y dónde
Tú siempre me respondes
Quizás, quizás, quizás

Y así pasan los días
Y yo, desesperando
Y tú, tú contestando
Quizás, quizás, quizás

Estás perdiendo el tiempo
Pensando, pensando
Por lo que más tú quieras
¿Hasta cuándo? ¿Hasta cuándo?

Everything is going well here, except I'm feeling slightly mental sometimes. At school I'm used to having a million things to do all the time and here I have almost no responsibilities. I have a placement test tomorrow, but that's it. I'm too free, in a sense. I kind of don't like it. I think I get depressed if I'm not busy. I want to feel productive. School starts Thursday, so maybe I'll begin to feel better. It's like...there is so much to see and do here, but I have so much time to do anything right now, I'm just being lazy and not taking advantage of what's in front of me. There are museums to go to, new parts of town to see, foods to try, people to meet and I'm just feeling tired all the time. It's like my mind and body are trying to shut down. As terrible and boring as it may be, I think I thrive on a routine. Plus, a lot of the people I initially met are living further away and I'm not seeing them at school, because there is no school yet. I'm just worried everyone else is going to meet Spaniards and make lots of friends and I'm going to be alone. And sometimes I miss home, er, rather my family and friends.

begin Spain

2007-09-10T03:05:00.000-07:00

Of all of the places I’ve visited since I’ve been in Europe, I’m definitely happy that I chose to live in Barcelona. This place seems like a good fit for me. I already getting used to living in this city and I’m so glad I have another few months to stay. There are definitely some crazy things going on here, but it keeps it interesting. So far there has been no terrible luck. My house and “madre” (as I refer to her) are excellent. I have made some friends. I can find my way around the city pretty well. My classes should be good. My school is close enough to my house. I learned how to use the metro, though I am probably also going to rent a bike. Barcelona is such a right-minded city. They do things that seem to make sense. I was walking along the beach with some friends yesterday and they were saying that at night these huge trucks come out and collect all of the glass from the streets, grind it up and deposit it on the beaches as sand. It’s smart thinking, right? And my planned bike rental: they have this new program here called “Bicing” where you pay the equivalent of about $25 and you get a card that lets you rent out bikes from one of dozens of bike stations across the city. Then you ride the bike to where ever you need to go and drop it off at the closest station.

I did have one bit of bad luck on the way to Barcelona, though. My dad and I flew to Europe on Continental. An American airline to Europe. Then I flew this other airline, Alitalia, from Rome to Barcelona, but my dad had booked it through Continental. Apparently European airlines, like Alitalia, have much different luggage restrictions. My bags were within the restrictions when I flew Continental, but when I switched airlines, I was WAYYYYY over the limit. My dad and I hadn’t thought to check Alitalia’s restrictions since he booked everything through Continental. The gory details: they charged 12€ per kilo over the limit you were. I was 20 kilos over! That would have been 240€, which is a little less than $300, I think. Luckily they reduced my kilos to 12, so I had to pay 144€, which is around $200. I was really upset because that’s about 1/5 of my money for the whole trip. I knew I couldn’t afford to lose huge sums of money like that unexpectedly. Especially when I spent all night before I left making sure I was within the luggage limits. I paid the money, but I think my parents might help me out a little bit.

Once I got to Barcelona I waited for the people from my program to meet me. We could either meet them at 11AM or 2PM. My flight was supposed to get in at 10:30AM, but it was delayed and I didn’t get off the plane till 11AM and then I still had to get my luggage and stuff. I got to the meeting point at 11:45AM and sat down at a table to the side to wait until 2PM. At about 2PM I moved my stuff to the exact spot we were supposed to meet. I waited ten minutes and no one was there. I noticed another guy, young, who seemed to be waiting, so I asked him if he was with API. He was in the program also. We waited until 2:20PM and no one was there, so I decided to call the lady. She said they had waited for us earlier when they saw our planes were delayed, until 11:50AM or something. But we didn’t know they were waiting, we just assumed to meet them at 2PM. Anyway, everyone had left the airport and no one was planning on coming back, despite what our instructions had said. She told us to take a cab to the hotel. We did, but were NOT going to pay for it. I was especially mad since I’d just paid hundreds for my stupid luggage, and the other kid I was with didn’t have euros on him. But we got to the hotel and API paid. :)

At the hotel, my roommates were cool. One was from Philadelphia, schools in Vermont, another was from California and goes to school there. We have our first meeting where the resident director, Amalia, tells us 70% of API students get stuff stolen at some point during the semester. I am being careful. Later we go to dinner as a group to a really nice restaurant for paella. I have not eaten since the pastry I had on the plane, so I eat ravenously. After dinner I go out with my roommates and some other people. We end up at a cerveseria and I drink beer. Eh. Later they decide to go to an international student welcoming party at some club by the beach. I wait at the bus stop feeling more and more sleepy. The combination of beer and waking up at 6AM, I assume. The bus is taking forever and I start imagining what this party will be like. An expensive club with a bunch of Americans who want to act like wasted idiots. Hmmm. I decided to save my money and go back to the hotel to sleep. One of my roommates had already done the same. I walked back and instantly feel asleep. The next morning I heard that drinks at the club were 9€. Everyone said they’d spent too much.

The second day we walked around as a group and then split off. I stayed with my roommates and we explored Las Ramblas, the main tourist street. I was clutching my purse desperately, since this is where the thieves are concentrated. We walked up part of a mountain called Montjuïc and got on a cablecar that took us across part of the city (in the air) and dropped us off at the beach. The views were beautiful; we hadn’t realized how huge Barcelona is. After walking around more and getting lunch we took a siesta. That night we were going back to the main part of Montjuïc with the group. Before we left one of the roommates was trying to plug in her hair dryer. As soon as she put in adapter in the wall there was a pop and all of our power went off. We tried fiddling with the power box, but nothing would work. Since it was almost time to leave we just left it, hoping it would be fixed when we came back. We were going to Montjuïc for a special fountain lights show or something. There are tons of fountains leading up to a big building that part of an art foundation. Little by little the stretch of fountains would start turning on, and then the huge one on the middle turned on and started changing colors. It could make cool effects and the water would change its movements. There were thousands of people watching. Later they started playing classical music and the water danced to the music. It was lovely.

We had been led to the magic mountain fountain by one of the API leaders, but were left to get back on our own. The leader told us to take the #27 bus back to the hotel if we wanted. We got on 27 and it took us further and further away. It didn’t even look like the city anymore. We started seeing highways. I was with my roommates and another guy...we all looked at each other confusedly. I joked that the bus driver was probably going to stop and tell us to get off when we were lost in the middle of nowhere. Then the bus stopped and he did. We talked to him and he said if we paid again we could keep going. Luckily we ended up back at the hotel, but it took at least an hour on that stupid bus. We vowed not to take advice from the API guy every again. That night we went out again, but it was pretty tame. There was a glass of wine at a “grown up club” a block from the hotel in L’Eixample. Then we tried a club in another area that seemed okay, but I wasn’t in the mood. My roommates and I left after about 30 minutes. Back at the hotel, our power was still gone. We tried to explain to the man at the front desk, luckily he fixed it.

Friday was crazy. I waited for my “madre” at the hotel, but she was late. While I was waiting in the lobby with Amalia tells me my mom is kind of “hippie”. I find this to be good news. A small woman with curly gray hair and lace up sandals walks in, rushed. It’s Anna! I stand up and we greet each other with kisses. We’re whisked away into a taxi, heading towards the Barri Gótic, where she lives. She’s explaining why she’s late and telling me about the other API student living in the apartment. She doesn’t speak any English, which I think is wonderful. We can understand each other to come extent. I find myself nodding a lot. The cab drops us off right on Las Ramblas next to La Boqueria, which is the most famous market in town. I had visited the day before and it’s the most colorful place I’d ever been to, with fruit, fresh juice, fish, hanging meat, candy, vegetables and almost anything else. I wheel my luggage across the street into the maze of the Barri Gótic. Anna stops for bread and we get to the door of our building. It’s covered in pink graffiti. Not ghetto, haha, just colorful. Many of the other doors in the area have it. It actually helps me distinguish our building. Anna gets Megumi, the other API student that lives with her, to help me with the luggage. There are about three flights of stairs, even though we live on the second floor. It’s so old inside the building, but not in a dilapidated way, in an awesome way.

Anna’s apartment is amazing! I feel like it could be used in a movie. It’s not that everything is really new and fancy, but the decorations fits perfectly with the kind of apartment it is. There are old distorted glass windows all over the place with wooden shutters and huge metal locks. The walls are all cement and the ceilings are ribbed. Anna had painted on many of them. Doors don’t have handles. I can tell all of the power outlets and light fixture were added way after the building was constructed. The balcony in the living room looks out into a crowded plaza. I can hear the noise of our neighbors and Las Ramblas from my room. I love my room. It’s much bigger than I’d expected. There’s a main room with two windows and my bed and then a narrower side room with another window, a desk and my closet. I have so much space; it’s almost like having a tiny apartment. Her apartment is actually really big for a crowded city. There are five bedrooms total. My windows look out to windows of other people’s apartments and they’re SO close. I have to be careful about my own privacy. I can hear everything, including other people cell phones and them washing their dishes. The window in my desk room looks out to Megumi’s window because our apartment is in a sort of U-shape.

I was fed breakfast again and told all about the house after my arrival. Since it’s so old, there are many little rules about how everything works. Like hot water, it’s controlled by a butane tank in the kitchen. We have to light a flame in a box on the wall to make hot water happen. It’s confusing to me, but I’ll learn. Anna cooks our meals and they’re really great. She’s an excellent cook! Plus we get to practice our Spanish at every meal. It makes me glad I chose a host instead of a residencia (dorm). Anna designs lamps and owns a store in the neighborhood. She’s from Barcelona. She’s tranquila, but sometimes gets really animated when she tells stories. It’s so cute! Megumi and I love her. Nuba also lives with us. Her 12-year-old dog, I think part German Shepherd. Nuba is big, but gentle. She likes to nap under my desk when I’m on the computer or on the rug next to my bed. Megumi moved in the day before me. She lives in another room in the apartment. She’s a junior from UC in San Diego. She’s really energetic and excited about stuff and so friendly. She was really welcoming when I moved in. She speaks Spanish about like I do, so we’re making it with Anna together.

After lunch that afternoon I had to go to a really boring meeting/grammar review class. On the way home I bought a calling card and called my mom because I’d found out that morning, via her email, that my uncle died. I’d never met him, but my mom was upset and had to break the news to my grandma. It’s very sad. She is going home soon to be with her mom. At least he died in his sleep, which means it probably wasn’t agonizing. They think it could have been a brain aneurysm.

We ate dinner much later that night, as they do here, and then I prepared to introduce my friends to Megumi’s friends because they all live at the same residencia. We dressed up and wore shoes that hurt our feet. We spent at least 30 minutes trying to get over there, taking the metro and walking till we had to take our shoes off. Everyone met and seemed to get along really well. About seven of us left to find this club in another part of the city. Some of the others were drunk and being typical “loud Americans”. I felt annoyed since I don’t want to attract negative attention in a city I am not familiar with and because people should know better than to get wasted in a place they don’t know. We had so much trouble finding the club, Otto Zutz, but eventually we got there. I’ve never been to such a big club, though I was told it was small by other people’s standards. There were two dance floors. It had been a long time since I’d danced like that, so much, so freely. Mostly I stayed close to my friends, but I was stolen a couple of times by aggressive men. They are too aggressive for me. This is precisely the reason I won’t be a “wasted American” in a foreign city. I did leave the club with fewer inhibitions that night, but I knew what I was doing. A few of the girls left in a cab, but cabs are expensive and wimpy. The rest of us waited a few minutes for the metro to re-open at 5AM. We rode together and got off at our respective stops. I was so glad to be with Megumi! We made it home, but not before witnessing a disgrace on the street to our house. There was man getting “serviced” by a lady (prostitute, I hope) in the open. I accidentally looked in that direction and saw everything before I realized what was going on. I pulled at Megumi and we walked even faster towards our graffitied door. She hadn’t seen it, but we were giggling. At home I took off what I could and fell asleep with very dirty, very sore feet.

Yesterday Megumi left to go to the Costa Brava. I was asked to go, but after the night before I wanted to stay in Barcelona and rest. I puttered around all morning and went to the beach with some friends later on. They are much more topless than I expected. Some tops I would have rather not seen, haha. My friends weren’t in their bathing suits so we sat in the sand for a while. Later we walked to a supermercado. I love looking at all of the foreign food! Bottles of wine are so cheap here. You can get them for less than a euro. I’m sure the quality is bad, but a decent bottle can probably be bought for just a few euros. We hung out at the residencia for a while and I eventually left because I wasn’t feeling well. I’m not sure if it’s the water here, or all of the coffee I’m drinking, or something entirely different, but my stomach’s been upset. The water is very chlorinated and tastes terrible. I have to take it in gulps at dinner. I’m thinking of sneaking in some bottled water for my room so I don’t offend Anna. Last night there was more drama in our apartment...well...in the apartment above. Anna had warned me the people living above us, a mother and her son, were unpleasant. We were in the apartment and we hear some yelling but ignore it. A few minutes later there is more yelling and screaming and then glass breaking and things being knocked over. Anna rushed in and made a motion like people punching each other. Apparently they were having a fight. Anna called the police and they came a bit later. It was very quiet upstairs. There was a police car and ambulance in the plaza below for some time. I don’t know...

Also that night Laura came. She lived with Anna as an exchange student two years ago. She speaks very fluently. It gives me hope, because she said she was terrible at speaking when she came here. She said she owed her fluency to the mealtime conversations she’d have with Anna. Laura is from the U.S. and visits Anna and her novio, who she met here in BCN when she was studying. That night we didn’t finish dinner till about midnight. I was exhausted and still feeling a little bit crappy so I just went to bed. I slept until almost noon today! I thought Anna would think I was lazy for sleeping so much, but she says my body needs time to adjust.

I spent a lot of time writing this afternoon, as I’ve been doing often. Then I went on a walk with Anna and Nuba around the Barri Gótic. She gave me an excellent tour and I even saw some ancient Roman ruins...just a few blocks from our house. We ate some seafood paella by the coast. The seafood comes complete with heads, eyes, bones and legs. She showed me how to crack the body open and how you’re supposed to suck on the head for flavor. I couldn’t bring myself to do that just yet. She also showed me a short cut of a narrow street that takes me right from our plaza to the beach. It’s very convenient. We got back and needed siestas. Nuba took her’s in my room. :)

Hopefully after this my entries will become a bit less rambling and lengthy. I’m just trying to take everything in right now and remember what I think about it all. It’s still strange to find euros in my wallet and read things in military time and type on keyboards with keys in different places and to find street names on the sides of buildings. I love it though. I feel so lucky to be here.

finish Rome, briefly Naples, Caposele

2007-09-10T03:04:00.000-07:00

The second day in Rome I arose early at 7:30AM, not really knowing for sure what time it was. It can be nice not having a cell phone or watch, acting like time doesn’t matter at all. Due to my extra hours awake I took my time getting dressed and tried to look prettier than the day before. The pressure to look beautiful is a bit strong in Rome. I had breakfast and piddled around on the computer until my dad woke up. He woke up later than he’d expected by accident. It took forever to leave that morning! I’d already had a good two hours awake before my dad woke up and then we had to spend a bunch of time looking stuff up for the next leg of the trip and he had to get ready and was trying to text someone, though it wasn’t working. I was getting too impatient.

Finally we left and found that we could navigate Rome with a map, unlike the day before. We took a short cut around the back of the train station and some gypsies accosted my dad. They first started begging and we told them no, then they started chanting and I got away. My dad was left with the huddle and I turned around when I heard him yell “Hey!” I saw him pushing them away because I think they were touching him. Beggars are so annoying. We made it to the Via Nazionale and I realized my feet were definitely messed up badly from the day before. I complained to my dad and he told me it might be a bone bruise. The pain was excruciating and every so often there would be shooting pains through the outer edge of my foot.

Also while walking down the Via Nazionale, my dad and I were noticing how Euros dress. I had been bugging him the day earlier about looking too American, and this day it was worse somehow. He had on a bright blue t-shirt, Lee jeans and tennis shoes. I had tried harder that day to look like I fit in wearing a greenish-blue dress and a white scarf. I felt like my dad was negating any Euro-ness I may have been displaying. I told him tennis shoes and bright colors were usually easiest way to give yourself away as an American. I told him he needed a button-up shirt, slacks or fancier jeans and leather shoes. He said he could tell he looked different and wanted to change clothes before we went out that night. Haha.

We walked a lot further than we thought was possible. We ended up at the Pantheon, which we hadn’t gotten to see the day before. It was quite impressive—hard to imagine people could build something so large so long ago...though I suppose the Coliseum and pyramids were erected just as long ago. There were a lot of people standing around. We didn’t realize that the people in Rome turned the Pantheon into a Christian basilica after it was what they called a “pagan temple”.

Our actual destination that day was Vatican City. We crossed over the Tevere by bridge and walked past a huge palace and an old castle right next to each other. I was feeling bad for not understanding better the importance of such historical sites. I told my dad I wished I’d just taken a Roman history course. Finally we got into Vatican City. My feet are nearly dead by this point. We approach looming St. Peter’s Basilica. I have to cover my shoulders with my scarf, as I watch the less fortunate women get turned away for having inappropriate attire. We wait in a long line to go to the top of the basilica and meet some nice Aussies. We climb with them up a few hundred steps to the dome, which is fantastic. Then we continue up another few hundred steps to the very top of the tower, which overlooks all of the Rome area. At the top, my feet feel healed. I tell my dad it’s the power of God. He suggests maybe I should start going to church again. I was surprised by the amount of graffiti at the top of the basilica. It covered all of the arches. Mostly some sappy couples who want to deface a sacred building. On the way down from the top I get dizzy from the spiral steps. In a less claustrophobic stairwell a lady passes me who smells like my grandma, same perfume. I am reminded of her and where I am and, briefly, I want to be religious again, but the feeling quickly passes. We miraculously figure out how to take a bus from the Vatican to Termini Station. It breaks down in the middle of an intersection and people drive by honking and yelling. Back at the hostel I fall asleep for two hours before dinner and dream of home. “Home” just being people and places familiar to me. Dinner is some sub-par pasta that the hostel makes for free. Afterwards my dad and I go out exploring again, this time with much more confidence. We end up at Trevi Fountain for the second time, which is lit specially. Then we stop at a little cafe on the street for Limoncello. Sickly sweet and stronger than I imagined. On the way home we also stop for gelato and cannoli. Sampling the kinds of things that are the best in Italy.

The next morning we had to wake up in time to catch a train to Naples. We’re setting out for “the hometown” as we’ve been calling it. I am grumpy, as I realize I usually am when I travel with my dad. We’re both too stubborn and we both think we’re right and the other person is too relaxed (what my dad thinks of me) or that they’re too stressed out (what I think of my dad). On the ride to Naples I am listening to music and watching the power lines dance outside the window. I am noticing the scenery and watching my dad try to communicate with another man in our compartment. Southern Italy looks mostly rural and run down, though, it’s charming in a way. It’s not like rural Texas. The buildings are really old and there are mountains everywhere. I can almost imagine what it would be like hundreds of years ago. We round a bend and I can see the coast for the first time. The water is blue! Houses perch upon white cliffs and mountains. I wish it looked like this in my region. There is also a mother and her two sons in our compartment. The goofy boy starts saying, in Italian, that we’re stupid for not understanding him. I don’t know much Italian, but I know his words. I thought he was a cute kid for most of the ride, but then I start hating him.

In Naples my dad and I continue our arguments trying to find the place where we rent a car. I notice instantly that Naples is busy and dirty, at least compared to Rome. It generally has a metallic, smoky, gray-brown tinge to it. We get a Ford Fiesta, an American car that I’ve never even seen in America. It’s the first American car I see in Europe. My dad was panicked driving in downtown Naples and I can’t blame him because it’s chaos. It’s the scariest place to drive I’ve ever seen—worse than NYC, Rom or Mexico City. Basically there aren’t any rules. No lanes, stop lights don’t matter, people walk right out in front of car, people beep to get through intersections, buses and trains are running on the same roads as cars. It’s completely out of control. Luckily we navigate our way out quickly and enjoy the fast, but more organized, autostrada. It was apparently about 100km to Caposele, the hometown. We go through Salerno and past Pompeii and I wish we could stop, but the hometown is too important. As time goes on I’m getting hungrier and grumpier. I haven’t eaten anything since the small bowl of cereal and unrefrigerated milk from breakfast. More travel arguments begin. We are supposed to turn off the autostrada on to the superstrada, but we miss a turn and go into a town. Asking for directions is usually failure since we don’t speak Italian. We think we’re on the right road, just going through mountain town after mountain town. It’s taking forever. We start seeing signs for our town. We follow the arrows one way, but they’re wrong. It’s a series of hairpin turns through mountains with wooden railings that would never keep a car in if it were to tumble over a ledge. Our little manual car is chugging along. Finally a sign welcomes us to Caposele. I’m trying to take it all in, but it’s just an ugly street with some run down buildings. We find an old man. My dad tries to explain we’re looking for our family. He tells the man our family names, Merola and Sisto. Predictably, he has no idea what we’re saying. He gets a woman who understands a tiny bit of English. Little do we know it’s Caramela who will be our unofficial guide for the rest of the time in Caposele. She tells us there are many, many Merolas and Sistas in the town. We also find out Merola is actually pronounced MEH-roll-uh instead of mur-OH-luh. The name Sisto, which was my great-grandma’s maiden name, is actually Sista. We guessed they changed it at Ellis Island for some reason. We graciously follow Caramela’s old, gray Fiat Uno into the new part of town, which has a huge basilica and a bunch of shops, restaurants and markets. She talks to a few people and takes us to a couple of homes. No one speaks English, but we keep trying to communicate and find someone who may be distantly related.

I start noticing the people there. Many have the same eye color as me. They are brown, but a different shade than most people, more like a gold-brown. Caramela has them, my dad has them, my grandpa has them, and I have them, along with a bunch of other Italians. I also see a little girl, maybe 6 or 7, walking around with hairy legs! Mine used to be the same way even as a small girl and I always hated it. Many of the people have darker skin; I am still distinctly lighter than everyone else. I notice gardens, something my grandpa always had, and something I find out from my dad, my great-grandpa always had. (Side note: I never actually knew my great-grandparents who were from Caposele. They died in the 1970s, but I’ve always heard a lot about them.) I notice the beautiful mountains all over the place.

We are told there are about 4500 people in the town. Finally we come to the “Ristorante American”. I thought it might be a joke, but there is a man there, Tommas, who knew my great-grandpa, Salvatore Merola, who immigrated to America. Tommas knew him in Newark, where they both lived at the time. Tommas moved back to Caposele in 1983 and started the Ristorante America and the hotel above it. Fortunately he actually spoke English fluently. We met his wife who cooks at the restaurant, who is from Calabria, in the very southern tip of the country. Another man comes over who speaks English and lived in Newark for some time. Everyone is stereotypically Italian! Old men have gold jewelry, slicked gray hair, pointy leather shoes with small heels, thin button-up shirts tucked in with a leather belt holding up their slacks over their bellies. They’re not all fat, but the people here do tend to be shorter and stockier. The men talk all about the streets and places in the Italian neighborhood in Newark. My dad tells me the people in Caposele remind him of his grandparents and all the Italian people who lived in his neighborhood as a child. He calls my grandpa in New Jersey to have him talk in Italian to some of the people, since we have a difficult time communicating. It feels good to know that technology is allowing my 70-something-year-old grandpa to talk to people who live in the town his parents were from. No one has ever been back except my grandpa’s cousin, Nicci Sisto. Tommas also knows Nicci and knew my dad’s Aunt Julia who immigrated to Newark from Caposele. We end up staying at Tommas’ hotel upstairs and eating dinner at the restaurant in celebration of the festival that will take place the next day.

The first Sunday in September is a VERY important day in the town. The people of Caposele celebrate their patron saint, San Gerardo, that day. The bigger festival happens to be October 15-16, but they also celebrate in September because it’s right before school begins. It is especially pertinent because besides San Gerardo being the saint for the town, he was also my grandma’s patron saint because her birthday was October 15. She died on her birthday, too. San Gerardo was from Caposele and his remains are in the tower of the basilica. We are told about 4000 more people come to town to celebrate San Gerardo, and during the big festival as many as 10,000 will come to town.

Upstairs we find our connected rooms. They are old and very simple. There are huge windows that open to a balcony that looks out over the main street and the mountains. Finally dinner happens at 8PM. We hadn’t eaten since 9AM and were starving. We had homemade wine and the best meal of the trip: pasta fagiole. My dad and I have both tried making it ourselves but this tops them all. It’s a thick soup with beans and pasta. After dinner we contemplate walking around the town, since it is Saturday night, but I decide to go lay down for a few minutes first. I end up falling asleep in my clothes until the next morning.

Sunday morning I am woken before 8AM by explosions. I look out the open window to see puffs of smoke. Caposele isn’t under attack, but rather ready to start the celebration for San Gerardo. A few minutes later I hear a man singing in Italian. Before we go downstairs a band marches by the front door of the ristorante. We eat breakfast and go outside as the procession moves by on the street. A huge market is set up all along the main roads in town. The candy is most appealing, but people are also selling food, clothes, videos, kitchenware, trinkets and toys.

Caramela comes back for us later that morning with news that she’s found someone related to us. This is when we drive down the road to visit Pasqualina. We can’t completely understand each other and can’t exactly pinpoint how we’re related, but she treats us like family regardless. She lives by herself, a widow, in a little house with four rooms: two bedrooms, a kitchen and a living room. All are tiny. She’s a tiny woman. We sit in her living room trying to make sense of her relation to us. Caramela is trying to translate but her English isn’t sufficient. Pasqualina’s last name is Merola, but only because her late husband had been a Merola. I’m pretty sure we’re related somehow, but pretty sure the relation is distant. Caramela takes us to the town church while Pasqualina stays home. We go inside and look at the museum for San Gerardo and see the steps that lead to the place where is remains are. There are things he owned inside and tons of paintings of him. Inside a priest is praying and people kneel. Townspeople reach out to touch and kiss his statue, which is prominently on display. We walk around the market more and go back to the hotel for a rest.

The night before my dad had talked about canceling our night in Capri so we could stay in Caposele an extra night. I was freaking out because the first night I just wanted to come and go. However, the second day Caposele grew on me. The people we met there were so nice to us, even though we could hardly communicate. The town was so beautiful and simple. I still love big cities, like Rome, much more than sleepy mountain towns, but Caposele has a lot to offer in its own way. It feels real. No one’s trying to rip you off, there aren’t tourists, things are fresh and life is simple. People were already asking when we’d come back to visit.

We go back to Pasqualina’s for dinner at about 5pm, little do we know dinner is a long way off. First, Pasqualina calls her aunt in New Jersey. Her aunt says there is no relation, but we’re so confused because Tommas is telling us Pasqualina is my dad’s grandma’s niece. Trying to talk to these people is so hard. This is keeping in mind that Tommas is the only person who speaks English fluently.

After giving up on figuring out our relations and just saying, “Hey, we’re all Italians!” we went to watch San Gerardo’s procession go through town. There were hundreds of people gathered all worked up into a tizzy for the arrival of the town’s biggest celebrity. The statue makes its way through the crowd and is hoisted up onto a float. People are giving their handkerchiefs and water bottles and babies to touch the statue for blessing. Pasqualina is standing next to me singing their religious song and wiping her eyes, as many older women are also doing. Eventually as many people as can fit load onto the float and it leaves to make its way through some of the smaller towns in the area.

Pasqualina starts cooking dinner when we get back to her house. My dad and I wait in the living room and she comes in after while to show us her pasta. She’s making it by hand! We go in the kitchen to watch her. It’s such an interesting process. You have to roll the semolina dough and then cut it into a longer roll and then roll it out thinner until it’s a long rope that you can wrap up around your hand like a hose. Then you pull it through you hands to makes longer strings. I really want to try myself when I get back home. It was such a stereotypical scene. We’re in southern Italy watching a short old lady in a white apron making pasta on her old wooden table in her tiny kitchen. Her kitchen window, with red gingham curtains, is open, the sun is setting outside with a cool breeze coming in. Old school to the max. We’re trying our best to make conversation with her, but we can’t, especially since Caramela had to go home for a little bit. After the pasta’s done, and my dad and I are about to eat our arms off because we’re so hungry, Pasqualina gets up and put on her shoes and gets her purse. We’re going back out to see the procession return. There are supposed to be fireworks, but they are not allowed since the area is having a drought and wild fires.

Finally we go back to her house for dinner. By this time I’m sure anything will taste good to me, especially homemade pasta bologenese. We set the table assuming there will be three, but Pasqualina starts giving us all of her silverware. The whole family is coming over! Her kids and their families and their husbands’/wives’ parents. Everyone is crammed into her tiny living room. My dad and I eat the pasta and bread and cheese and dried meats and melon. Pasqualina forces us to eat more even after we’re full. It was delicious. Then she gave my dad a hunk of supersage (dried meat) to take home. We meet her family, who is also somehow related to us. Someone else there speaks English so we’re actually able to communicate with people again. It was a really happy night. Everyone was so welcoming and excited we were there. I couldn’t feel completely integrated, but it was still good. Before the night was over Caramela came back to say goodbye and we all exchanged addresses in order to stay in contact. I said goodbye hoping to see everyone again, but knowing that I likely would not.

Houston, Amsterdam, begin Rome

2007-09-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

This trip started out with procrastination. What was happening didn’t really hit me until I was in the car on the way to the airport with my mom. My friend Tina called me to tell me goodbye and said how jealous she was of me. Then I realized...I’m going to Europe. For four months! I’d been in Austin visiting friends right up until I had to leave. I drove back to Houston and packed for almost 24 hours straight. The day I left I was feeling sick, which made me hesitant to eat any plane food, even though I was dying of hunger. I ate their rinky-dink microwave dinner and soggy croissant. I listened to a lot of music and tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep.

The Schipol airport in Amsterdam was immediately confusing to my dad and I. We couldn’t read anything. My dad eventually started making fun of the language saying it was just an exaggeration of English words with a stereotypical accent. We saw a sign for a “psycholoog” or something. We had an 8-hour layover and couldn’t get on an earlier flight so we took a train into the city.

If we’d been confused in the airport, the city was worse. We wandered around looking for a place to eat lunch. We tried to find a place with traditional Dutch food, but we weren’t exactly sure what it would be. We found a little something at a cafe and had a type of Dutch soup and breakfast with eggs, ham and bread.

For the rest of the day we just walked around, noticed people, went in a few shops an talked about our impressions of the city. You can, on occasion, faintly smell weed in the streets of Amsterdam, though it’s not really what I imagined. Most of the references to special “coffeeshops” are only in tourist shops where they sell post cards with high-looking frogs on them or something. I think I was expecting a dark place with red-lit smoke shops where clouds of smoke collected in the air. Amsterdam was actually beautiful and relatively clean. The people there were all really hip looking. The words and a lot of the furniture reminded me of IKEA. On the way to Rome in the plane I realized I could think of three songs that were called “Amsterdam”. There must be something magnetic about the city, besides the pot... On the downside it was cold, geographically monotonous (if that makes sense), and the people were rough-looking. It got really chilly towards the end of the day, like autumn in Texas. Then the monotony...it was just street after street of canal with two roads lined with shops and residences on both sides, thought it was lovely. There were a lot of bikes. Then the people...were not very attractive. Everyone was really harsh and kind of wrinkly, angular. Many of the women especially were masculine looking.

On the way back to the airport we missed our stop and had to go to the next town. Our plane was leaving in less than 1 ½ hours! Luckily some people told us how to get back. The good part: the next town had windmills! Classic Holland. We made it back to the airport in time. Starting on the train ride back from Amsterdam I started falling asleep every time I sat down. On the flight to Rome I finally got to sleep after being awake for more than 24 hours. The time difference is wacky. Even right now it’s 1:30AM here in Rome...I am looking at my computer clock, unchanged from Texas time; it’s only 6:30PM there. I started getting really grumpy after we got off the flight in Rome. I had all my luggage for four months with me. We were desperately trying to find place to store it in the airport but everything was empty-ish because it was so late at night. We finally put the luggage away then I had three heavy bags. We got to the last train departing from the airport right before it left. I was SOOO tired and my bags were really heavy and not fitting easily into the train compartment. Then my dad started talking to the people in there. (He talks to everyone, even if they don’t speak English!) I was falling asleep with my mouth hanging open...drool about to cascade down onto my sweaty hoodie. I’m sure it was an attractive sight. We got into Rome at about midnight and luckily the hostel was a “5-minute walk”. Well, we couldn’t find it ANYWHERE. We kept asking the lonely souls out on the streets for directions. The people were usually half right but we finally got to this area and people kept point us to this one street. We walked around for more than 30 minutes. I was so tired and so pissed. Then, I spotted it. It’s hard because in Europe there aren’t any street signs and the address numbers are located indiscreetly on the buildings with small tiles. There was no signage for our hostel either. Once were in, there were two flights of stairs to the floor the hostel is on. Ugh. My dad carried one of my bags. My hands were blistered. I was sweating so badly. I was about to pass out. The people at this hostel are really nice and give free wine and food whenever. I passed out so hard the first night. The room is hot and without AC and can be inhabited by four other people, but I didn’t care that night. I sleep on the top bunk next to a window that opens out to other windows across a narrow street. People hang laundry out their windows. It’s so cute. The bed sheets are like toilet paper.

Thursday we toured the city. The morning started out bad. I think I was still cranky from the night before. We walked around for almost two hours and ended up in the same place. Neither of us could get a sense of direction. We even walked off the map once. After a morning of disappointment and seeing the, frankly, shitty part of Rome we ran into a man at Termini station offering tours. We reluctantly followed him down the street to his office and got on a sightseeing tour of the city. It ended up being a really good deal. We saw all of the big sites and got off the bus for the best ones. We spent awhile at the Coliseum. My dad and I were trying to understand what it would have been like during its peak, but it was hard to get a good idea. We walked around Piazza Navona where dad dropped his Nutella gelato and everyone laughed at him. Then we spent the evening in the area of Rome where “La Dolce Vita” of the 1960s happened. We saw the Spanish Steps, Via Spagna and Trevi Fountain. Rome is absolutely beautiful. It’s not like I feel like I’m walking around in a picture or in a movie, it seems so normal, but when I think of it out of context it’s almost surreal. Everything is fascinating to look at, including Europeans. I am fascinated by them completely. We went to get coffee/beer at a cafe and wanted to find a place for a non-touristy dinner. Our waiter recommended a place further away in Trastevere. He said it was the best place he’d even eaten at in Rome and one of the best places for wine in all of Europe. We took a cab across the Tevere to Trastevere, which is a younger part of Rome across the river with many restaurants and bars. It didn’t seem like a touristy area.

We went into dinner between 8:30-9:00PM and stayed till 10:30PM. It was an excellent meal. Too fancy maybe. We split a “cheap” bottled of wine that was 30€. The lady seemed pissed we wouldn’t buy something better. Neither my dad nor I are very knowledgeable or picky about wine so we didn’t care. It was so great though...called Sum from the Puglia region of southern Italy. We had an appetizer and some entrees, pasta and fish. All served very decoratively. It was such a hip place, my dad doesn’t seem to fit in so well in modern places. He has more of a classic or traditional look. :) Either way, the food was delicious. At the end of the meal we still had some wine so we ordered a plate of hard Italian cheeses. They came out with at least five kinds and some sides of honey, berry sauce and fig sauce for dipping. I was proud of myself for liking “grown up” food. Haha. Hard cheese with fig puree and red wine. I loved it. We walked around in Trastevere for a while. There were so many young people! It made me miss Austin. Trastevere is like a 6th Street, but 100 times more European in narrow cobbled streets. Instead of bars there are sidewalk cafes with chairs outside of them and people sitting in large groups drinking wine and beer and smoking cigarettes. It was so appealing. I could only hope Barcelona would somehow be similar.

When I got home my feet hurt in a way that scared me. My shoes hold up quite well in Austin but it’s different in Europe. I stayed up for awhile at the hostel meeting some of the other travelers: Canadians, Americans, Mexicans and an Asian. They have great stories and advice.

Basically, this place is amazing. It’s still surreal that I’m actually here and this is happening. It’s hard to believe the vacation isn’t ending when I leave Italy. Though it’s great because I can see how much I love Europe and travel around knowing that I get to stay here and live here for a few months after the Italy vacation is over. I already know I need to come back here to see more stuff.

I'm here! I'm in love!

2007-09-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

So things are going to get a little bit out of order and behind since I've been without internet access and time the past ten days. I'll try to catch myself up. I'm actually in Barcelona right now. I finally moved in with my host mom this afternoon. I LOVE IT HERE! I love where I live, it's like from a movie! Heehehe! ¡Barcelona es guay!

Drool like a fool.

2007-08-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm writing again so soon because I don't want to write the things I should be writing. I have to finish this cover letter to the news director at Fox in Austin. I am applying for another internship there. I'm just nervous because I know we had conflict this summer and I'm not even sure there's any chance they'd accept me there again.

And I can't feel half of my mouth. I just got back from the dentist because I had to get a filling. I always feel ridiculous there because I'm so scared and they all know it. I'm terrified to pain. Aching I can deal with, but pain is different. Luckily my dentist is nice and humors my fear of the drill. I told him I was getting the filling over with because I'm leaving for Barcelona in a week and won't be able to see a dentist. He numbs my mouth with some pink gel on a long swab and then get out the HUGE needle. I swallow hard and tell him I'm not numb enough. Anticipating that needle makes my mouth dry up and my hands sweat. He says to open really wide and take a deep breath. I feel the panic feeling like I'm about to jump into deep water, but I do it. I feel the needle entering my gums and pinching. He tells me to think of the guys walking around on the beach in Barcelona and asking me if I'm American and saying, "We like Americans." Then he asks if I'm smiling at him. I am slightly smiling because he's being such a goofball. He thinks it's because I'm thinking of Eurotrash trying to hit on me. Haha. My mouth starts numbing more severely and he gets out the drill. It's nothing too bad. I am filled now. My mouth is slightly seeping drool. I can touch my lip and feel nothing. My lips looked dry in the mirror. I can't talk normally. Once this wears off I'll feel the minimal ache of pressure and start moving my tongue around over the filling. At least I'm fixed up.

There's too much stuff I need to do before I leave...I know I'm going to forget stuff. I need to figure out how I deal with money over there. What are traveler's checks? Do I need those? They sound so 90's. I need to find a way to back up important stuff from my computer since my external hard drive is a non-compatible piece of junk. There is packing to be done...eventually. I need to make copies of documents to leave with my dad. Today I at least feel a sense of accomplishment because I took care of that cavity.

It's almost 4pm and I haven't eaten anything. I don't know what the rules are for fillings. I feel like if I tried to eat/drink the stuff would fall out of my mouth. My lip feels like silly putty.

Oh! I'm regaining feeling!

Stocking Up

2007-08-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

My mouth has a bad flavor and my hands are cold. It's too cold in my room at home. It's usually too cold anywhere I go.

I feel like everything I write in here should be related to travel. Right now I can only relate what I write to leaving. Saying goodbye to people is probably going to get annoying, quite honestly. I can recognize that "saying goodbye" is socially necessary at least. I usually comply. I just feel like I've had to say so many long goodbyes in my life...I'm tired of them. I want to say goodbye and walk away. I rarely look back after long goodbyes because I feel more optimistic that way.

Yesterday I got out the cell phone I'm supposed to use in Spain. I got a text message from someone/thing unknown. I could mostly understand it...something about phone calls. I assumed it was Spanish spam. I chose my new ring tone, which is called "Lounge". It's pretty jazzy. I started thinking of how it would be weird to get used to a new ringtone. But probably no one's ever going to call me anyway. I'll be glad to be free of phone calls (for the most part) while abroad. My favorite ways to contact people are: 1. in person 2. text msg/chat 3. phone calls

Phone calls are too in between. But sometimes it's the best we can do.

I was going to get up to brush my teeth of this rancid flavor, but just decided to start eating the saltwater taffies my grandpa brought me. The box is sitting right next to my computer on the ground. Cinnamon is still the best, but damn, I'm out of those.

My toothpaste was probably the most popular thing about me this weekend. I went to a friend's beach house in Galveston. I brought my Mint+Green Tea Extract toothpaste. It was a hit with drunk people. Lauren and I had a mini tooth brushing party in the bathroom. It was fun to experience such a rickety house while being in party mode. Less than an hour after my arrival I was up on a deck when a loose board was knocked off, hit the propeller of the boat and drifted out toward the bay. We spent time on the roof, on the deck, peeking our faces through the mini blinds, playing games, attempting to cook food, eventually driving toward civilization for meals and doing lots of talking. Some conversations less coherent than others. We tried going to the beach. I mean, we did. It was pretty gross. I stayed out of the water at first, but was coaxed in. I experienced many little sea nasties that made their way into my bathing suit. Black bits of rubbish, some sand, I'm sure some alive things. After about ten minutes of complaining I had to get out. The waves weren't even that good. My greatest accomplishment was not burning at all. It'll be awhile before I go back to the Galveston beaches.

Today I spent with my grandpa since it was my last chance to see him before he left. My sister and I took him to the IMAX (in 3D!) to see a movie about the "Five Great" in South Africa. Lion, leopard, elephant, rhino and Cape Buffalo. Sometimes I think my hair makes me look like a Cape Buffalo. It was pretty interesting until about halfway through I got distracted and started thinking about other things. On the way home we stopped at a candy store. Request by my grandpa. (This is where I get my mad candy genes.) He wanted to buy some chocolate to bring back to people. We were actually in The Chocolate Bar and my sister noticed that next door Candylicious was hiring. She wants a new job. My grandpa is frustrating the guy at Choc Bar because he wants solid chocolate in a fancy box. Apparently they don't sell it like that. At one point the salesman gave me a look of desperation. My sister and I waited in the background amused by our persistent grandpa. :) My sister turned to me and said, "This is enough to make me not want to work at Candylicious." Then we were both handed $100 cash. He said it was better than buying us chocolate.

We all ate dinner at my dad's house. Red beans and rice with mustard greens. My dad's a good cook, but it seems tonight he picked things that would give us all sufficient gas. Thankfully I haven't been affected. We all watched The Three Stooges together and some more Mythbusters. I wanted to take a walk instead but my grandpa and sister were too tired. I said goodbye to him quickly and drove back to my mom's.

Now I smell like my dad's house.

I'm stocking up on new music.

I'm stocking up on the people I love.

I'm leaving so soon.

With family before departure.

2007-08-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sucking down salt water taffies from Ocean City, New Jersey. My grandpa bring us all a box every time we see him. I love the cinnamon ones.

It's been time with my family for the past few days. Everyone's living in separate places now, so it's different, but okay. I have three houses to bounce around between.

My grandpa got in Wednesday. It's been a year since I last saw him and the first time I've seen him since my grandma died in October. He seems to be doing well, just like I always remember him. We haven't really done anything extra special since he's been here. Mostly we're all hanging around at my dad's...talking and eating.

The night my grandpa got here we watched this DVD I made for my dad of the newscast I anchored at KVR. It's this weird inside joke we have. Ever since I started anchoring newscasts in 11th grade he'd ask me to say this certain line on the air. He's a huge fan of The Three Stooges. On one of the episodes Moe says, "Quiet numbskulls, I'm broadcasting." So my dad's been asking me to say it on air for five years. I always act annoyed, but I actually think it's funny. So our last newscast of this year was a joke newscast, so I finally said it on the air and gave my dad the copy so he could see. He laughed really hard. Now he's probably going to ask when I'll say it again. :) Then we all watched Mythbusters and found out that your eyes CANNOT pop out of your head if you keep them open when you sneeze.

I spent the night at my sister's that night, but we hit up House of Pies first. I ordered something with chocolate and bananas, but it had way too much whip cream. I'm generally not a fan. We sat there and talked for so long. We got the bill and kept talking more and more until the waiter came back and tried to refill my sister's coffee. It's great to lose track of time with someone when you're so engaged. I think we were talking about our weird family. While we were in the car that night we thought we heard gunshots around Westheimer and Montrose. Houston's ghetto fabulous.

I slept late today (actually yesterday) but it was raining all morning so I didn't care that I missed it. My mom had called me and left two voicemails. First warning me about the weather and collapsing roofs. Then to tell me my cell phone for Spain came in the mail. (I saw it tonight and it's SO cute and compact!)

After lazing around for awhile we walked down the street to my dad's. It was almost 4pm by that time so he wanted to start preparing dinner. Him and my sister went to run an errand so I chatted with my grandpa, who can talk forever. But in a good, non-annoying way. He explained growing up in Newark and all of the racial problems that developed there between the blacks and the Italians. Apparently they built projects there because so many people were coming from the South, but they built them in the Italian community right across the street from the most popular church. My grandpa said they would have these big feasts at the church and processions in the streets to honor saints and the people in the projects would throw stuff at them. Eventually there were riots in the town in 1967 and most of the Italian people scattered to go live in other places. My grandparents moved out in 1962 when my dad was a little boy. Then he told me about all of the jobs he had when he was younger. Like shining shoes for money to go to the movies and working in an Italian grocery store from the age of 11 until 17. Then he got this job in some kind of warehouse place and the basement where the boxes were kept was all messy and disorganized when he got there. So he spent extra time cleaning it all up and everyone was so happy with him. Then he stacked the boxes up and would sleep on top of them during his shifts. He said that people would ring bells when they needed someone, but when his bell would ring he could sleep through it because people assumed he would be busy with something since he established such a hard-working reputation for himself. He'd only sleep for an hour or two, but it's so smart. I'm so proud of his cunning ways.

Then before dinner he wad slipping his feet into my sister's girl shoes to be funny. And then he tried putting his foot in my worn out Birkenstocks and it went in and he says, "OOOOOooooOOOh!" Implying it's so bad that I wear shoes that his big man-feet could fit into.

After dinner my dad started telling stories of his frat days at the table. There was one time when he took an engineering exam and KNEW that he'd failed. So him and his friend gave their keys to another friend and went out to party their cares away. They were at some happy hour at another frat and there was a guy there making sandwiches with a mushroom shaped chef's hat on. My dad and his friends (who were on their way to drunkenness) went up to the sandwich maker and told him they wanted to wear his hat. He told them that they couldn't. They were still sober enough to devise a plan. It had gotten dark outside by this time. They found the fusebox and took position. My dad was at the front door, another guy was waiting by the sandwich maker and their third friend was at the fusebox. The friend turned all of the power off. Then the other guy stole the hat from the chef while it was dark and panicky. My dad was at the front door making sure his friends had a clear path to escape. Out in the streets the frat guys were chasing them. My dad didn't have the hat so he was asking the angry frat guys what they were chasing after. They couldn't really say anything...the guy with the chef's hat got away. The three friends met up and took turns wearing the chef's hat to all the other parties they went to that night.

Later tonight we played Monopoly. For more than two hours! Too long. At one point we were all really into it. I like making private transactions in that game. I was the first to lose. I wasn't careful enough with my money, but I was the first to build houses. Towards the end I got a throbbing headache with a warm face. It keeps happening. I hope it's the weather or something.

I'm getting too used to spending time with people. During the school year I was more used to being alone for long amounts of time. Over the summer and especially the past month I've been around people almost all the time. I think I'm equally happy alone and with others. Sometimes I really need to be by myself though. I know too many people who are scared to be alone for large spans of time. That might suck.

It's almost 5am and there is no reason I should still be awake.

A few weeks away.

2007-08-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

Today I got a bunch of stuff in the mail about Spain.

I found out where I'm living. Right in the middle of the city in the Barri Gótic (Gothic Quarter). The owner, Anna, is a designer. I'm not sure what she designs yet. She has a dog. There is one other exchange student living there, but I have my own room. The residence is in a building that's part of a plaza...Plaça Sant Josep Oriol. It's really close to Las Ramblas, the main tourist street in Barcelona. It's a 20 minute walk to school. The Barri Gótic is a medieval neighborhood...one of the oldest parts of the city. I'm SO excited. I keep looking at pictures.

I found out I'm going to Paris in November for a few days. We're also taking trips to some nearby towns...one being Montserrat, this monastery located on some intense cliffs. And a trip to a national park in the mountains. I have been trying to decide where I want to try to travel outside of the program. I'm thinking: Southern France, all over Spain, west coast of Portugal, Morocco, England. I don't think I can do it all, but I want to try. I'm tempted to try northern Italy, since I'm only going south when I'm there with my dad.

There's going to be so much to learn and to see. I have these goals...like I should learn to take nice pictures (improve my photography skills) and exercise, like running on the beach. I am also slightly tempted to try to get some color on my skin for the first time in my life. I've always opposed tanning, but I want to spend a lot of time at the beach. I think it's pretty close to where I'll be living. I also want to buy fresh fruit from a market every day. Oh yeah, and it would be nice if I could learn to speak Spanish.